New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Oh gosh that'd be like my nightmare! haha. my bird's a cockatiel and every time he shakes, he creates a lot of dander (basically the feathers break down into tiny particles), so I'm a real mess when he does that on my bed. Then my sister used to put the rabbit on my bed as well, and he'd shed fur everywhere. It was horrible, haha. But I still couldn't help rub my face against him. So fluffy!!

Do you like reading, board games or computer games at all?

[PurplOJ]

That sounds cute. I never knew birds did that. It would explain the mess they leave. And rabbits are so cute. There is nobody thay would not smother them in hugs. I would have love to have a rabbit.

Yeah I have enjoyed reading. I am picking it up more now although I never use to be a good reader and still struggle sometimes. Board games are great fun although I have the chance to play once in a blue moon. Finally video games, I play a fair amount. They hepp drown out all the noise.

What about for yourself?

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

Well I am seeing my psyc tomorrow fun. Hopefully it goes decently, I will try to speak about some things and I will see how that goes.

Today after posting the other things I finally got something from my friend. They are not feeling good and do not want to talk to people. It felt like I had done wrong things when I received it. And well I have not been a good person as of late. So it feels like she is angry with me or hates me. I know that it is probably my imagination and she has told me a few days ago that she did not think anything bad of me or try to avoid me. However she decided to play games with other people. I know I am just being greedy, selfish and jealous of her other friends. I just feel that way, and I know it is wrong. I'd do anything right now to have someone there for me, just to even receive a hug. Just every time I try I get met with no's and avoidance. I can't even sell my soul for a hug.

Than after being told that my first friend does not want to talk. I was contacted by my other active friend who wants to chat soon. I do not think she is happy with me. I feel like I am going to be yelled because I am a horrible person. I put them through so much pain that I should never do. I know this question floats around my brain a lot, I am just always unsure if I should stay. They do through so much pain because of me. It makes me feel more and more horrible each time.

Well I can just wait till tomorrow to see. Only 5 more iron pills left before we have to check my blood again. Yay.

And wow, I am here now. I do not think that I should be here as this is defenatly not 'sufficient level of popularity and depth ' but anyway. It is here now, and I should probably change the name. I do not know how to do that, but I will work it out some day.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey

I like board games too and I've been meaning to go to a board games meet up in Sydney. Have you looked into any of them? It's a good way to meet people and just talk about a common interest, or just play some games.

I've got an xbox and I replaced my broken graphics card on my computer as well, but I'm still just playing old games like halo and company of heroes, haha. I prefer halo just for the mindlessness and it absolutely does keep my mind off things. Have you got any favourites?

Yeah, do you think maybe you could print some of your posts here to show your psychologist? It might help with explaining things and will feel like less pressure.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by your last paragraph. Do you mean here on the forums?

James

[PurplOJ]

Ah that sounds nice. I have never heard of a board game meetup. You should tell me how they are when you go one of these days.

That's a nice pick of games. The old xbox was great. I play a lot of games, just jumping around what I have until I find something that holds me down for a bit. No real favourites.

I might try that next time. I did not have time this session. We just spoke about what has been happening with myself and my friends. What I might do, and some things to help.

And yeah, the last section was about the forums. Sorry for not making it clear. Back in the sticky from Chris, they stated ''discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. '' which I do not understand how this is popular or deep. And I got an email saying it might be good to change the name. Although I do not know how to change the topic name.

Anyway, I hope people are having a good day.

PurplOJ

[james1]

I'll let you know for sure (once i get around to it, haha).

It sounds like the session went okay? I dont' know if it was helpful or not, but at least it doesn't sound like it was unhelpful. Did you want to share how you found it?

I had my 11th or 12th session today and I think something finally clicked today. I will need to think a bit harder before I post, but I will likely be posting in my thread called "I don't know what to say" under long term support, if you wanted to have a read. No pressure to comment though 🙂

Oh, if you decide you want to change the topic name to something more relevant to yourself and your struggles, you can just post here and ask the moderators to change it. Purely just my observation, it feels like a lot of what we've been talking about has been centred around feeling like a monster who's undeserving of love and care, due to a difficult childhood. But I guess it's your call whether you want to change the topic name to be somethign more meaningful to you.

James

[PurplOJ]

Yeah my session was alright. I found it interesting looking about others, it was slightly helpful. She mentioned AD's which I said I would greatly prefer not having. She wants me to keep an open mind about them, they might be something to think about if my suicidal thoughts continue.

Ah nice, I might look at it again later. (I have some of read it before)

That is an interesting way to look at what it could be called, and from what I am going to say strangely relevant as I agree with it 100%

Well I day I posted about everything last I was going to talk to one of my friends. She found it too long to message to me so she just emailed me. It was not pleasant to read, and well nearly makes me want to just off myself (I know that was not the intent, I just feel so horrible reading it). It just shows me that I do horrible things to people and not even realise it. They told me that they cannot be there for me all the time. And last week when I was bad they wanted time to themselves. From what they said originally I thought something was wrong and got worried for them. And during the time they were away I almost went to off myself. Telling her this and stuff was not good and I have not been considerate of others problems and lives. And I have hurt them a lot because of that.

I have also been a greedy piece of shit expecting them to be there for me. Because I made plans with our mutual friend and after making the plans not happen several days in a row, I asked her if she hated me or was avoiding me. Which I felt at the time. And expecting them to be there for me and stuff is bad because I never consider their lives or anything.

And well I have been putting pressure on them to be there for me. And if they are not they feel guilty and messed up. I never realised I put that much pressure on them. I feel horrible for doing so, hurting them is one of the last things that I want to do. And the amount that I have done it is just horrific. I hate myself for putting them through so much pain. It's just what I have done is horrible. And I have been a horrible person. It would probably hurt them less if I did die. The pain that I put them through, and everything. It just makes me feel really shitty for what I have done. I know that either way I look at it right now it is making them feel pain slowly or make them feel pain quickly. To put them through torture or give them mercy. I wish there was a way so they did not have pain. I feel horrible doing all of this to them.

[james1]

Hey that's great to hear you found it somewhat useful. It sounds like she was trying to give you a different perspective?

About your talk with your friend, maybe I can talk to you about my break-up with my ex. I know it's not exactly the same, but I think a lot of the feelings you've described were raging in my head as well, so perhaps this can give you a different perspective.

My ex (lets call her Jane) broke up with me on a Tuesday after work. While we were chatting that night, all I could think about was all the pain I'd caused her that would lead her to break up with me after a 4 year relationship. I looked back at all the scenarios where I knew I'd been clingy, demanding, greedy, hurt and angry, and shown all of this unfiltered to her. I saw myself as being a bad person for doing all these things and not respecting her wishes.

Then, after we broke up, these thoughts continued and they spiralled. Now it wasn't just a matter of doing it to Jane, but to everyone I knew. I saw all this crying out as manipulating people to try and talk to me and to like me. And to have the one person, Jane, who I thought understood me then leave...surely it meant that I really was just a bad person.

I still think there's badness inside me, but my psychologist helped in two ways:

First, she tried getting me to understand that how I react now is a result of how I was raised and the experiences I've had growing up. So maybe I do bad things, but there is a root cause of that and it's not that I'm a bad person, but that I'm a person with a bad upbringing.

Second, she told me to put Jane aside. Yes, Jane was the only person I felt like I could rely on and I still tried to communicate with her because I could talk to no one else. And she put up with me, but I couldn't break the cycle because all my self-worth was tied to what I thought Jane thought of me. So when I started to break that contact with her, I needed to find something else to draw my sense of self-worth from. I couldn't get it from myself because I saw nothing but badness. But I could get it from the things I did like writing and reading and running.

I think you also need to break this cycle somehow, because the way your interactions have been going with them is causing you a lot of distress. And I think you need your psych's help with the inevitable wave of emotions that comes with change. When are you seeing them next?

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Yeah it was a bit of a different look on things.

Right, that is an interesting story to relate to. I guess maybe you are right about some of the points at the end.

And I do not know hot the cycle would be broken. I am seeing her mid October. So a few weeks away still.

And I have not been here much, I have been moping around. Now all I really feel is numb and nothing else. No happiness, no sadness just numb. Right now I do not know if I even have the brain capacity to understand most things.

How have you been?

PurplOJ

[james1]

I finished my medication 2 weeks early for reasons you may guess. So they've well and truly worn off now and it's amazing just how my mood has fallen. It was like there was a period there where I was actually okay. Silly me.

*sigh*

Do you have a long weekend too?