It's coming back

RunGirl · ‎14-09-2017

Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys

RunGirl · ‎28-09-2017

Thanks Jay. Just to clarify, of course I don't feel stronger for having PTSD buy I feel strong for the fact that throughout my crazy life I warded it off until something really horrific and near-fatal happened, in a foreign country, in the midst of an abusive relationship....it took a lot to get me!!!

RunGirl · ‎29-09-2017

I have on several occasions gone 72 hours or a little more without a wink of sleep. The mental overload of that is excruciating especially when you are are around people who don't understand. One time it happened not long before Christmas and my ex stood in the doorway of the walk in wardrobe while I cowered there begging for time alone to try to sleep, saying I had wrecked his christmas (we still had 4 days to go) and began to peg bottle tops at me from the doorway. I am very traumatised by my insufficiencies.

BballJ · ‎01-10-2017

Hi RunGirl,

I understand what you are saying, I do not know if anyone feels stronger for have a mental illness, I think strength just comes with it later on when you have beaten it. Your position is that you have overcome it before and that should be a lot of motivation to do it again. I am sorry about that Christmas story you wrote above, that just sounds horrible and no one should ever have to experience this at all.

Have you been through all of this with your psychologist? Interested to know how they respond to it.

My best,

Jay

RunGirl · ‎06-10-2017

Hi, yes I've talked it over with a psychologist. That was the first time he showed signs of physical aggression. It got gradually worse from there and after my accident it became monstrous. I remember thinking at the time "this is something scary. This is new. This is trouble" because he was really enjoying it....he didn't just throw one randomly in frustration. he was going back into the kitchen and finding more then coming back and really aiming, throwing harder and harder. He was enjoying the feeling of getting away with demeaning and scaring me I think. The psych agrees with me that it was a red flag but of course we try to put those away, don't we....we'd been together about 7 years at that time and it was the first time I'd shown real physical and emotional weakness so I guess he was just too scared to physically bully me before, but then he felt a rush of control seeing me collapsed. It made me think of a kid torturing a small animal because it's too weak to fight back. That was when I started to consider the possibility of leaving but my accident put a spanner in the works big time.

Croix · ‎07-10-2017

Dear RunGirl~

it took a lot to get me!!!

Well it has not completely got you, all the way along you have taken steps, so being very big ones, towards safety, towards a supportive and loving world, and you are in it now. Having to fight off sleep is now only a matter of health, social standing and convenience. There is no one to take advantage of your weakened state. No threats.

I wish when the threatening circumstances went away we got better straight away. As you know this is not the case, but we do get there, and I always draw a lot of comfort in knowing I've faced a particular set of thoughts before and come out OK after. We get to know our abilities.

If I've got the times right you may have has a second session with your psychologist, any help?

Croix

BballJ · ‎08-10-2017

Hi RunGirl,

That is quite hard to read and I am so sorry you had to go through that abuse, that is quite concerning and I know it is so tough to leave someone after being with them for so long and your decisions are your decisions to stay. Has your psychologist given any sort advice on how to deal with all of this? I personally have never dealt with physical abuse in a relationship so I am not much good for offering advice on the subject and I do apologise about that.

My best,

Jay

RunGirl · ‎10-10-2017

No need to apologise Jay, you've been so helpful!! I just have to remind myself that I DID get out in the end and I have a loving, gentle partner now. That's the main thing. I just sometimes put him through a bit of stress because if he gets in the least bit annoyed with me about something little, I freak out. He hardly ever does and he's very physically and emotionally gentle with me.

BballJ · ‎10-10-2017

Hi RunGirl,

Well I am very happy to hear that and that is very good you have found someone like that. You deserve all the happiness in the world after going through what you have gone through.

My best,

Jay

RunGirl · ‎11-10-2017

Thanks Jay. This man was my best friend for 17 years....I was five years single because I had just ended an engagement where (surprise surprise) my ex-ex became verbally, emotionally and (horribly) sexually abusive and then ejected me with $500. So I decided to sign off men and try to just find ME. I did really well. I reparented myself, bought a house when I was only in my twenties, and the man, (P) was my absolute bestie. We just didn't get together because I was totally off relationships and he was quite set in his ways as a bachelor (he's ten years older than me). He has ALWAYS been there for me, knows me inside and out and when things got really hard overseas he was the one I turned to on FB and SKYPE, who gave me the most balanced, objective advice and offered me a room to rent in his house if I came back to Aus, because I had nowhere to go. Our friends always ask us what took us so long but suffice to say we changed our relationship to something more intimate. My biggest worry is that I am so damaged that I will push him away if this black dog comes and eats me up again.

RunGirl · ‎11-10-2017

I'm having a bad day guys. The doctor has just denied me a refill of my regular sleep meds and anxiety meds until I see a psychiatrist. I am in the process of getting referred to one but it could be months til I get an appointment and I can't just go cold turkey off my meds. I don't know what to do. The meds were prescribed by an experienced PTSD psychiatrist after 3 weeks of inpatient therapy in Europe and they WORK. They have no unwanted side effects. I don't know what to do.