It's coming back

[RunGirl]

Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys

[RunGirl]

Hi Croix. sorry to whine, but I crave your intelligence, insightful thoughts. I'm very sick with liver, pancreatic and lung infections (deadly for me because of the post sepsis). I'm devastated by my mother's letter - and the fact that it gets so many things wrong AND came out of the blue. I'm fantasising about suicide but will NEVER, EVER EVER do it. I hope that's clear. I'm sick, sad and overwhelmed. can you help?

[RunGirl]

Hi C

thanks for the speedy reply....the czech phrase actually contained a major grammatical mistake on my part...sorry... I wanted to say I've only had male cats and I wrote "I only have cats". Gimme a break, it's a complex language!!!

Thank you so, so much for your insight. I do so appreciate it and learn from it.

RG

[Croix]

Dear RG~

You asked if I can help, well while I try my voice, and that of all the others here, is a faint echo on a screen, not the real comfort one needs when very pressed. Your partner, pets and other real and tangible things in your life make the difference. You too have a part to play . Yes I know that sounds a bit back to front, however developing habits to cope, to remind yourself of the best of times, all help.

If something from my past in the police jumps up I think of the comedian who's silly story captured my humor when very down indeed. A conscious effort to steer my thoughts - you get the idea. Fortunately that comedian had a large body of work to draw on.

Although you have an unpleasant parent (who is best ignored) you do have those that love you. If it was me I'd get rid of that letter.

All the above is not a cop-out, Geoff, Jay and others, plus I will be here.

Give Indie a pat please

Croix

[RunGirl]

Thank you C. and yes Indie got such a vigorous embrace that she managed to take some skin off my nose. She's my beautiful baby but she does have a lot of sharp, hard bits.....teeth, claws, elbows, etc. Ach jo. to je Zivot. (basically means ah well, that's life!)

RG

[Croix]

Dear RG~

I'm checking in to see how you are going and if the skin on your nose has regrown

Croix

[RunGirl]

Hi Croix, thank you so much for checking on me....I've been really sick...gastro... and just taking things hour by hour really. P is away for work again so it's just me and Indie....and it's pelting rain so we can't go for walks. That means she's going a little bonkers!. Yes my nose is ok again :-D. Still struggling deeply with the occurrence with my Mum but slowly coming to terms with it. Have been calling lifeline on and off. How are you?

Best

RG

[Croix]

Dear RG~

Yes I'm fine, been doing some traveling with more to come. I really hope you have disposed of that letter, it is an abrasive document, you need soothing.

Pity your partner is away, can you chat on the phone? I've found that is a great thing to do. I Skype when I can and just voice other times.

Lifeline and similar can be a real comfort, having it as a fall-back makes a world of difference.

Have you started writing again?

Croix

[RunGirl]

Hi Croix et al

I'm doing ok....a bit up and down, but my psychologist really worked through part of the parent issue with me yesterday, starting with my dad. we'll work on Mum next time I think. He thinks my Father has a Borderline Personality Disorder and as he reeled through the traits I couldn't help ticking the boxes on every one. Interesting information. Croix you asked me if I'd started writing again - well, not much but actually I've been working towards putting my drama workshops together. I have found a perfect venue and am waiting on a call back for prices and available times, insurance etc. It's a council community centre so it might not be too expensive.

The telephone book was delivered yesterday (yes we still get paper ones here in the far north). Indie read from about A to J and then shredded each page as she finished it. I think she got up to about M this morning while I was asleep. It's a dangerous document, the telephone book. Lucky we have Indie to protect us.....

RG

[Croix]

Dear RG~

Well, I'm glad your psychologist is talking about your parents. Particularly at the moment. While you might well have known their actions were beyond the pale - particularly your mother - I guess having a professional perspective will help.

Looking into drama workshops sounds an excellent idea. From what I remember they require a great deal of concentration and thought, as well as physical exertion. Bits and bobs from Wilder, Beckett and Brecht come to mind.

I hope Indie's appetite does not extend beyond phone books

Croix

[RunGirl]

Hi Croix et al

Indie's appetite extends to EVERYTHING outside....but she knows better inside. My geraniums were my saddest loss, and I have to sew Bunny's ear back on, push his squeaker brain back in, patch the smell wound and wash him but he'll be right.

Croix, as for Beckett....I saw a wonderful piece of gentle unobtrusive but poignant piece of performance art photographed and posted on the net....and few people would have understood what the meaning was. He was in an airport arrivals lounge simply holding up a "here for collection" type ofsign....for hours..... with "Godot" written on it.