Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Croix]

[TRIGGER WARNING} Suicidal thoughts.

Dear TA~
I too am worried about you.

I have the feeling it may have come as a shock to find how powerful were the feelings you have buried about suicide. I think this is a pretty clear warning sign, pointing out you need to take action now.

I wanted to talk about a trap I fell into. I was at the stage where my life seemed overwhelmingly too hard and ending everything the only real way out. The trap was thinking it was an all-or-nothing deal. I saw my life in the police, my duties, my family, all my expectations of myself as one interwoven way of life, held together by my self-image.

To seek the correct help and deal rationally with my life, getting rid of areas seemed impossible. It all went away anyway when I became so ill I could not continue. My job and a huge part of my life and self-image disappeared.

If I had taken action earlier I may well have not lost what I did. IfI had been able to cut down, expect less, take sick leave, seek a transfer, do various other things to reduce the pressure on me then matters may have turned out very differently both for me and my family.

I could not see that at the time.

So like Quercus and others I’m asking, are there things in your lifey you can discard to reduce pressure – at least for now? I suspect that it is those facets of your life you think most important to accomplish are the ones that are causing the most pressure.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Please understand that I want the best for you. I want you to live and grow, to be able to look back on this time as a rock in the road but one you have climbed over. You have all sorts of wonderful activities in your life but they are getting too heavy, the combined load is breaking your spirit and I am very worried about this.

It seems to me that the activities which give a reward immediately, such as drama, are those that you cling to hardest because you get this applause. Can you list your activities and give an honest, or as much as possible, answer on why you do each one. What do you get out of each one? It's a different way of looking at life I know but I wonder how this perfectionism of yours drives you to excess and the need for recognition. Well do you want recognition for dying needlessly?

I am a bit nervous saying this to you because I want to help not hinder. Croix has given you his story and while mine is not quite such an earth-shattering tale it is similar. I involved myself in so many things, including uni, that combined with my job meant I was on the go all the time. I was also battling major depression and suicidal thoughts. Does anything sound familiar?

I was urged to slow down but it was hard to be by myself with my thoughts, so I carried on. No two ways about it, I knew best. I fell apart and ended up in hospital. Not the best image of me I wanted. It took a long times to climb out of my hole and even longer before I stopped falling in again.

Neither Croix nor me want to nag you. We are sharing our journeys with you in the hope it will help. Please let us know how you go this afternoon and if the psych has put any interim measures in place for you.

You are precious and worthwhile, intelligent and caring. Stay with us, you and us have a lot to offer.

Mary

[running_girl]

Hi TA,

I am so sorry to catch up on your news to find you struggling. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you need a break from all your commitments, just a small one, to get some much needed rest and recollect yourself.

There was a time when I was down and I nightly used to walk past a private psych hospital. I could see the residents in their rooms through the windows and, as insensitive as this sounds now, I wished so much that I could swap places with them - to just step out of my regular role for a little while and rest.

I know, though, that taking a proper break form work/study/domestic responsibilities is rarely a possibility for anyone. Hang in there. You are strong even if you don't always feel you are.

Take care,

rg x

[The_Abyss]

(Trigger warning)

Thank you everyone. (I will answer individually when feeling stronger, but just know I deeply appreciate your posts)

Firstly, let me say that for the moment, I am safe.

I saw the GP, the psychologist, and rang a counselling service today. I am getting the help I so desperately need. I even cooked dinner for myself after getting back from the psychologist (not having eaten for a couple of days).

GP upped my meds and gave me the week off work. We discussed my available methods for self-harm. First honest conversation I have had in a long time. We discussed hospital. He gave me his personal number and told me to call anytime in the next few days / nights. He even offered me a bed for the night at his place so he could keep me under watch. I declined but appreciated the offer.

Psychologist spent 2 hours with me and made sure I was safe. He is away for the rest of the week, but made sure I had support. He has me on weekly visits and has made my needs were a priority. Refreshing.

I rang the counselling service "we need to inform you that your conversation is confidential unless you threaten self harm or suicide, in which case we inform the police and ambulance". Great, so I ring a confidential service to get help, and upfront they tell me they won't help unless I agree to police and ambulance! So when they asked the proforma question "are you contemplating self harm or suicide", I answered "if I say yes, you'll set the authorities on me, so therefore No". She didn't like that answer! What else was I supposed to say!

It's the same for the forums. You admit to self harm or suicidal thoughts, and the post gets edited, cleaned up. I understand the triggering issues, but where is one meant to go for help if you can't say what you are feeling, how bad you are struggling, how much you are drowning and just want to let go? You can't put it on the forum, you can't admit to it on the call services, where do you go? They encourage you to be dishonest, to hide the truth.

Sorry, rant over. It all just seems so pointless.

I emailed my lecturer and told her my assignment is late because I am on suicide watch. Not a smart thing to do.... a bit of professional suicide I suspect! Perhaps it will get me the extension I need....or perhaps it will destroy my career...... I'm beyond caring tonight.

So right now, exhausted, I am heading to bed.

TA

[The_Abyss]

A little reminder this morning from someone special.

We all have parts of ourselves that we don't applaud, that we keep buried inside, afraid that others will see as weakness...but it is this honesty that creates true connections with others by showing our vulnerability, our real self.

We all hurt, we all cry, we all feel lost, afraid, lonely and sad at times. To deny this is to deny the very emotions that make us human....

Lessons for us all.

TA

[Sophie_M]

Hi TA,

Thanks for posting, and especially for letting us know that you're safe.  That really helps all of us here on the forums (members and moderators) to make sure you're getting the right support at the right time.

We just wanted to pick up on the points you made about dishonesty being encouraged on the forums and on helplines when it comes to talking about suicide: it's an uncomfortable truth that if you are having feelings of suicide that go beyond just thoughts, where it has escalated to you having a plan, the means to carry out that plan, and an intent to carry it out then services simply have to act because your life is at stake and your life matters to us.  It's an emergency situation, and we would rather you be alive and angry with us than the alternative.  

When it comes to expressing your hopelessness and just needing to be heard, there is nothing stopping you from doing that on this forum. It's what this space is here for.  We ask only for a couple of things, because this is a public shared space:

1. Not mentioning specific details of thoughts you have had, or plans you have made, because this can be triggering for others and compromise their safety - this is a community of peers, not a private one-on-one discussion with a psychologist who is familiar with your background and can get you immediate support if that is needed.

2. Letting us know you are safe when posting (as you have done above) so it's clear that you're feeling that horrible despair but you don't need any emergency support.  

You've reached out for help from several avenues, and we're very pleased to read you're getting that help you need.  We're here cheering for you on the sidelines, and here to support you as best we can within the limits of the support that can be provided on an internet forum.  Sometimes we will need to refer you to those other channels if we're unable to support you, specifically if you are in an immediate suicidal crisis.

We hope you have a good rest and see you back posting again soon.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Sophie.

The intellectual within me understands that on my better days, but it's as so frustrating on the bad days. It is when one is feeling suicidal, on the verge of self harm, that one reaches out. It's to divert the thoughts, the actions from happening. I realise it's a fine line - don't send help and the results could be catastrophic, but apply too many rules and it prevents one from obtaining the help one desperately needs.

I do realise the difficult job you have, and appreciate you keeping me safe from myself. Thank you for taking the time to explain things.

TA

[White_Rose]

Thank you Ta for letting us know you are safe. I read the Sophie's response to you. Does this help in any way? There is always a tension between keeping yourself safe and telling us what's happening and the responsibilities of those who hear you. I remember phoning Lifeline some years ago and ranting on about life. Afterwards I had a phone call from the local police. It shocked me and made me rethink what was happening.

It is really heart warming to know your needs have been recognised and that safety nets are in place. I am impressed with your GP. Offering his home as a refuge. That is amazing and I imagine was comforting to you even though you declined. And your psychologist is keeping tabs on you and made provision for when he is away.

TA I am happy you have a support circle around you to keep you safe. I know it is a hard job to keep going at times. I know because I have been there. You will get back into the sunshine and no one will cheer louder than me, unless it's you.

I have to say I have read posts from people self harming and talking about suicide. People do need to talk and get help. There is a great difference in posts on these subjects. It is hard for moderators who don't know you to gauge the seriousness of the situation. We want to give you help and support. So talk to us often, no specifics and keep on getting help.

All the members of the Shaky Foundations Club are looking to have a celebration party when you feel better.

Mary

[CMF]

Hi TA,

Last night i planned to catch up on some threads but was not quite up to it. I have caught up on yours and see your syruggle yet you still posted on mind. You are so wonderful.

I am glad your gp was so supportive and i hope explaining your situation to your teacher gives you a breather on your assignment.

I do wish the best for you, thank you for being here for me.

Cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I'm glad you have help and are taking some time to rest especially from work and study. We are all here for you if you want to talk ok.

I spoke to my friend's mum once who volunteers for one of those help lines. She said the most painful part was the helplessness. When you know someone is going to hurt themselves and you are helpless to DO anything to prevent it. I think that's why the rules have to exist. Same goes here I suppose. Preventing the pain from just moving on to someone else.

That said... I get your frustration. What do you do when you need help to be safe? Personally I think when it gets to the point of self harm or suicidal planning it is an emergency.

It's gone past the point of talking anonymously and needs face to face intervention to keep you safe. That's the time to reach out in real life and if there is no response from friends or family or your medical professionals it's time to get in the car and go to the ER.

The other day when I felt really bad I realised the suicide plan my psych gave me originally which was on my fridge made practical sense.

She had written it in stages. She wrote if the pain was thoughts it was time for going through the steps relating to talking (forums, helplines, friends etc) but once it became about actions (self harm, suicide plans) her steps became about action. Removing access to anything harmful. Face to face contact. Contact with people who could keep me safe. Worse case scenario go to the ER.

Have you made a safety plan? Have you got it somewhere for when you feel yourself beginning the downwards spiral? It does help. I can vouch for that. When you don't feel in control you have a list to work through to be safe.

What do you think?