Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Guest_3712]

Hi TA

love seeing you back here- miss you

I agree it is confronting to read about yourself in such clinical terms

This actually happened to me also because I never wait I always read the letters first

No point telling u how hard it is to start with a new doc, I did the opposite I took the letter back to my psych and said " now explain in English "

i think it's good if your gp and psych communicate at least they're on the same page - maybe ask him to ask u next time if you're comfortable with the exchange of certain info

in my case I felt better knowing my gp knew most things as it was an added support

maybe don't rush into a decision ATM

unless of course this psych has given you other reasons to not be happy with him

Cheets and sending you hugs 🤗

Stressless

[Croix]

Dear TA~

Some professionals try to mask inadequacy behind technical jargon, makes them sound like authorities, a simple 'dunno' does not have the same ring, even though more honest.

So he has not found a way forward, which to me indicates he does not understand the problems properly and is to conceited to get help.

A lot of us here have problems that can't be solved with simple quick remedies (something some therapists can only just manage . This does not mean we cannot improve, I'm an example of someone that was pretty close to a write-off, however time, personal and medical support and a great deal of trial and error has put me in an excellent position, not 100% true, but out of sight better than me at my worst.

I honestly think you need at least a second opinion, and possible a change of psych too. Is your GP sensible enough to discuss this with?

I guess like many things in life it is your determination that will drive the medical side, steering, pruning and when warranted cooperating.

You are intelligent, have judgment and have enough sense to disregard mere negative labeling and seek the positive

Croix

[annie45]

Hi TA

Please remember that you have a voice. You have a right to say what you like, to question, to take offence and to demand change. Personally I don't think sharing with your gp without your consent was appropriate. He should have discussed this with you.
Stand up for yourself, demand respect, demand that he explains himself, demand that he shares his thoughts with you, his plan and his theories.

It's overwhelming and not something that I'm good at but sometimes its for the best.

Good luck my friend

Annie

[The_Abyss]

Wow - I hadn't realised just how long I had been absent from the forums.

Flicking through the recent posts and I notice my old friends still here, still giving and gaining support, still tackling life's problems with bravado. Flicking through my old threads, seeing that they died a natural death without being fed and nurtured. Flicking through this thread and seeing the pain I lived through and the support that gave me the strength to keep going.

It has been over 6 months since I turned my back on BB and walked away. Around the same amount of time
since I turned my back on my psychiatrist. I needed a complete break, needed to find another way to get well. Over the past 6 months I suffered a few more injuries (having to give up sports as a result), I gave up uni (and foolishly went back in March this year), bought a cat (my savior), allowed myself to spend more time with home and family. Got addicted to Facebook, to "Buy and Sell" sites, to online shopping. Went broke. Stopped using Facebook. Worked on the house. Worked on the garden. Fought with the husband over ruining my garden, throwing out my stuff (same old, same old). Fought with him over his continued insistence to have me "baby sat" while he was away. Thought again about leaving. Resentment. Frustration. Normal life. Was able to find happiness again for a time. Able to reduce my meds dramatically. Survived.

Convinced myself I was well again.

The past couple of weeks though I have felt the slippery slope of depression clawing at me again. Missed
opportunities. Plans cancelled beyond my control. Death of a pet. The pressure of uni, of work, of financial pressures, of life. A daughter battling to survive with a friend with mental illness (after I tried so hard to protect them all from my own illness). Assignments due. Not enough time in the day, in the week. Sleep problems. Work problems. Home problems. The blackness of the Abyss calling out to me. Tried fighting it with
exercise. Tried unsuccessfully to get appointment with the psychologist. Alone. No one to talk too. Everyone busy with their own lives, their own problems. Feeling like I'm fighting against a fierce ocean rip. Exhausted. Do I turn and go with the flow? Or continue to fight and battle against the inevitable?

The house quiet. The cat purring on my chest. The calm before the storm.

TA xxx

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I'm very pleased to hear from you, I - and I'm sure many others - wondered how you have been faring.Pity things are so ordinary for you. I guess life is a long term struggle. I hope in time you reach an armed truce, my solution:)

It's a bit late and the grey matter is protesting so I'll catch up with you more fully later.

Know this is a place of friendship as it always has been

Croix

[CMF]

Dear TA,

welcome back. Yes we are still here, some of us anyway. Many have also moved on but I'm glad you knew you could come back. What a topsy turvy 6 months you've had. I'm not sure about going with the flow but I know sometimes we have to ride the wave until it rolls into shore and things are calm again. Maybe it's the same as going with the flow, I'm not sure.

Despite your feelings of defeat, it's nice to have an old friend back. I'm sorry it's not under happier circumstances, but we are here for you, as we were before.

cmf x

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

How lovely to have you back. I was disappointed when you left BB and have thought about you several times wondering what was happening in your life. I am sorry to learn it has not worked out in the way you hoped.

Can you go back to your psychiatrist? While you have been away my visits to my psychiatrist have gone from fortnightly to weekly. Sign of the times. You may find talking with the psych would be helpful.

If you want someone to talk to when everything gets too hard and it seems no one listens, try talking the the very well trained people at the Suicide Call Back Service. The name is a bit off putting but they are really great and will talk for much longer than many other helplines. Web site https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ Phone number available 24/7 1300 659 467. They also offer online counselling in some circumstances. I have spoken to them several times and it helps.

It must feel frustrating to keep your problems to yourself to protect your children to then find they are helping someone else. Have you thought of letting them into your world now you know they are strong enough and compassionate enough for their friends. You are a strong person and have brought up your children in the same way. Perhaps a chat with your daughter may help you. At the very least you know she will not fall apart with this knowledge.

I'm not sure that welcoming you back and following that up with suggestions is tactful. I hope you know (and remember) how much we all care for each other.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

'Tis the witching hour that calls the loudest.....

My dearest friends - Croix, Mary, CMF. My heart warms to see you here. Thank you.

I do feel defeated to be back here, but also so relieved that I can still be me here. I know I just need a good dose of "outdoors" but am so time poor, and so broke right now that I cannot do the projects I need to do to feel worthwhile just now.

I am being trolled on Facebook over a simple comment (I have now turned off my notifications but still know it's going on relentlessly). I feel persecuted and unsupported at work and so can't "hide out" there. I'm repeating old patterns at uni and at home overdue assignments taint my free time. Same old, same old!

i laughed Croix when I read your comment about such an "ordinary" life!" How true! It has included some pretty "extra-ordinary" moments though, and for a time I was truly happy for the first time in a long time! There have been some beautiful family times, I've enjoyed working with my hands again (and coming inside sore, spent, and satisfied), I ventured into different sports (until I had a major panic attack hanging off a rope half way down a waterfall). Things have been good...until they weren't.

i watched a play recently. It happened to be on one night that I was in Sydney for uni. It was written and directed by I girl I was in hospital with last year. And it mirrored shared experiences. I relived the pain, the confusion, the fears. Thought they were all behind me, only they weren't. Reminding me of the cocoon of the hospital, hiding away from real life, but also of the disappointment and confusion of others. I find myself longing for that cocoon again, but also see it as the ultimate failure to end up back there.

I think too I see this time of year as the ultimate time of failure. There are some major races that are on, that I love to challenge myself with, but that I have had to withdraw from again. Assignments overdue. Holidays cancelled. Just a shitty month that should have been a highlight rather than a lowlight.

Mary - good to see you are getting on so well with your psych again. For me that remains a closed door after the betrayal last year. And, I just can't afford it at the moment. Perhaps an outpatient day program may be the go again - I'll give it some thought.

Please excuse my late night rambling, and thank you for letting me get it out of my head!

meantime, the cat has graced me with her presence and is demanding attention! She who must be obeyed!

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

A bit of confusion about the psych. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several years and have bumped up to weekly visits for the past six months. I cannot recall if I told you about the psychologist I saw. Well he turned out to be a fake and was charged with fraud and forgery and was convicted towards the end of last year. For me it was a huge betrayal and the anger, frustration and hurt are still with me. There is another legal process going on and I am also involved with that. Hopefully it will be over soon and he will have received another conviction. I feel quite angry still and hope he will have unpleasant things happen to him.

TA, if I may comment, you do see things in absolutes, black and white. I do understand how you get disappointed with yourself and others but everything is not a failure. Even the fake psych did me a favour by suggesting I look at the BB site. Mind you, he was dumbfounded when I showed him the invitation to be a Community Champion. Accepting that invitation has been a highlight of my life.

Even when events have not reached your expectation there is often an improvement in part. I would love my medical people to wave their magic wands and cure me from both physical and psychological problems. Sadly they allege they have flat batteries. So I have to do it the long way. My psychiatrist wrote a report on me about the effect of the pseudo psych in my life. I was pleased to see it written down as it gave me a much clearer idea of where I was. Despite the overall mess the report showed me I had made some progress with my coping mechanisms. Not all together yet but neither am I still at the start. I am becoming resilient.

Having said that I gave a little chuckle. Not so resilient when I discovered just before Christmas that I had another cancer in the making. It's a blood cancer but so far it's non-active. Meanwhile I am being monitored very carefully. That helps to keep me calm because it may never get nasty. A bit of a potential time-bomb though.

Anyway enough of that and back to you. If you focus on what you see are failures it makes it so much more difficult to get well. I can relate to getting a panic attack climbing. I have never done this as the thought of being suspended on a rope almost gives me a panic attack.

Dear TA, you have accomplished so much, had such fantastic experiences, so much to celebrate. Please do not be so quick to put yourself down. Please ramble away. Always here to listen.

Mary

[White_Rose]

TA

Would you write a post about the play you saw in Sydney on the Staying Well/ Hollywood and the bigger picture thread. The discussion is on images of psychological illness in films, TV and newspapers, general community reactions to MI and how we can influence others to see MI in a more positive light. It's proving to be a lively debate you may want to join.

Mary