I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Hello lovelies,

Thank you for being the awesome people you are. Take great care of yourselves.

I'm taking a few days away from the forum for a couple of reasons, thinking, thinking. Nothing to worry about and I'll check back in next week.

Hugs, xx

[Guest_9809]

Okay Ava, I understand. You take care of yourself also. I look forward to hearing from you again when you come back to us.

A big hug to you also.

Taurus xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Ava,

Hope your time out is doing you some good. Wanted to tell you our bug-whacking party seems to have worked, and my nose is finally functioning normally again (admittedly still not great, with hayfever, but a bit drippy beats too blocked to function at all). Is yours easing up, or do we need to whack it some more... and drink some more wine? (Wine is an option with or without a bug to whack.) Thinking of you.

Blue.

[Lost_Girl]

Just checking in and sending some love your way Ava. I hope that you are starting to see some improvement. If not, I'm in for a bug whacking party too!

When I read your last post with "thinking, thinking, thinking" I get the scarecrow song from the Wizard of Oz playing in my mind. See you make me smile even when you are not here.

Hope P is behaving.

Much love and a scratch and rub for Happy.

[Wednesday]

Hello my sweet friends what would I do without you.

Still thinking, and had some wine... Blue catch up! More tests, stupid body. I'm okay just thinking. Tho brain not functioning all that well. Happy needs a bath. Lots of sad news about people I love, but Im okay its not fair. Life is not fair. Where is that bloody magic wand. Sad but okay, blue pour me another glass, what music are you playing? Lets dance to something I cant stand feeling this sad and I cant think any more. Please find everynametaken and look after her for me. I hate letting her down, I'm such a useless person, give her hug from me.

love you all and hugs, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

love you all, Ava. Hugs, xxxxxxx

[Guest_9809]

Ava, how could you possibly consider that you are a useless person. You have been such a comfort and support to so many people here over a long period of time now. Never ever discount the magnificent help you have given to so many of us. I, for one, am eternally grateful to you. You have helped me at a time I had been at my lowest point.

Happy needs a bath you say? Ha ha, so does my girl. She can wait though. And will be jolly happy to. (-:

I will have a look for everynametaken and will look in on her for you if you'd like. I have not spoken to her before, but I will definitely do so now that you have asked.

Rest easy Ava. You have lots of love being sent your way. Love and hugs to you also.

T xx

[Cornstarch]

Wednesday, we are raised, "educated", and indoctrinated to believe that life is fair.

As long as we are "good", life will return us with gold.

What an absolute load of rubbish.

I was in the throws of PTSD today, to being pinned down and physically restrained in front of an audience.

What a performance Corn Dog produced

And I thought.........."apparently this is my karma"

apparently .........

[Lost_Girl]

Dearest Ava,

You are far from useless even though you feel it right now. I am very saddened to hear that you have people you love going through sad things too. I understand how that can get you down and make you feel worse.

The alcohol probably isn't doing you any favours, but you know that, hugs. Shall I tell you a secret? Yes, why not.....I went out to a party for halloween and decided to have a few drinks. I had worded up my friends that I wasn't entirely sure how I would go as I was on special pain meds. Well, long story (some dancing, jocularity and what seemed like a lot of fun) later, I ended up tragic and the consensus from my friends was, "I think we better find her a bed to sleep it off". It did feel nice to be pain free for a bit but it came back with revenge and I am sparing you the messy details hahaha.

When I got home the next day hubby did very cleverly remind me that alcohol is a depressant. Not just good looks that one.

As ever, I am here with suggestions on lists. Just remind yourself of what you do have control over and what you don't. Sadly there is nothing you can do if you have not control over it.

Happy movies and TV, snuggles with Happy, a little chocolate or treat maybe? Some uplifting music and sitting somewhere that sun can get to you?

Oh and if you want to dance and your head feels like you describe, I recommend "Rush" by Big Audio Dynamite.

Go to go, off to drs myself.

Much love and a hug.

Me xx

[Guest_9809]

Good morning Ava. I just wanted to check in on you this morning. I know you were feeling very low last night and that you were perhaps indulging a little too heavily in the wine? I so hope you are not suffering too badly as a result this morning, and that your brain is functioning a little more rationally now.

You said that you had received sad news about some of your loved ones. That is always very hard to handle, especially when you have your own physical and emotional battles to contend with at the same time. Knowing you, you will have already done and said all that is possible to help the situation with these loved ones.

Naturally there is only so much anyone can do, but you need to reassure yourself that you have done all you can. I hope that the situation for these people improves quickly and/or surely, and that this in turns helps your own state of mind at the same time.

How about I play a song for us both and we can dance? What sort of dancing do you like? Maybe I will just play a few songs and if you are feeling up to it today you can join in the dancing as the mood dictates. Start slow aye? Then if you're still feeling okay, we can move onto something more lively.

So .... to start with we have playing:

My Girl - by The Temptations

What a Wonderful World - by Rod Stewart

When you Say Nothing at All - Ronan Keating

How are you going there Ava?

I know how much you are hurting right now, and I will be thinking of you.

Oh and I posted a reply to EveryNameTaken last night and passed on a hug from you to her.

Taurus xx (hugs to you)

[Wednesday]

Dear Corn,

No I don't think I've every believed life to be fair.

How horrid for you to have a PSTD attack in front of others. Just what you need a bit more physical abuse, bloody hell! How are you dear one? I bet your exhausted by the experience. I'll go to your thread next and post.

Hugs, xx