I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Cornstarch]

Guess what Wednesday it's Wednesday and a full moon tonight.

It quite simply just breaks my heart how many people on here are affected by sexual violation in all it's many forms. It doesn't have to be rape to completely mess with your head and ruin your life. The creep that got me molested my sister many years later but she got away. She's traumatised. And then once she found out about me that kind of went up exponentially along with the guilt. It's just horrendous all of it.

As you say Wednesday your son is angry because he is scared and in many ways useless. When I was in hospital this year I was chatting to a lovely guy who'd had a breakdown as a result of a very unhealthy relationship with a women, and he was telling me that guys get angry when they're scared. That it's like an automatic reaction that they don't seem to be able to stop. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd been sexually abused and he received zero empathy from his partner and that her coldness and lack of compassion absolutely freaked him out and just broke him.

I bet your son just wishes he could change your life, take all the pain away and replace it with the love and tenderness that you deserve, that's how I feel about my Mum. It's gut wrenching to watch your Mum suffer. To top it off it sounds like you've had physical health problems too! How scary that must have been for you Wednesday, 1 in 8 women with breast cancer is frightening. I hope you are in full remission and the fright has abated, if that is at all possible.

I think keeping stuff in boxes is sometimes the wisest thing. Drilling doesn't always clean muck out but can just cause an explosion that never recovers because we've completely screwed our society and the support just isn't there in a lasting way. I suppose what I find sad is that it means you carry it on your own. From memory you've lost touch with a lot of bloodline family too. Abuse just years families apart.

I have nothing wise to say Wednesday, but just that I see you and that I'm sending you white light and star dust tonight.

🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Blue,

No apologies required. Any time you can drop by to add your delightful input is good for me.

Oh dear Blue, what has been wrong, are you run down from to much Christmas music, gaudy babbles and burning the candle at both ends? I bet you are the most wonderful staff member and push hard to do the right thing to everyone all the time. Ease of a little let some of the others take the weight for a while.

Pain wise I have meds I don’t like to take but have resorted to taking them. I hate the side effects. Why don’t we wrap up the bugs and pain in a locked chest and send it to the deepest part of the ocean never to be found again. Of course, it is all ecological sound, no marine animals will be affected.

My story is complex and for some reason it keeps leaking onto the forum! I’m thinking it’s a whisky night 25year old Macallam and mellow jazz, I haven't heard any sax for a while o maybe some acoustic guitar? Hope that’s okay the whisky is in the café, help yourself.

I am catching up with my son on Sunday. I have tried emailing him but that seems to just upset him. In his job he is hugely compassionate. I think as others have said, I’m the mum and therefore he can be angry with me, even if it’s irrational. I need to find some strength.

Dearest Blue I hope you can make it through the next few weeks of nuttiness and are taking time to get plenty of sleep and good food.
Hugs, deep sleep, beautiful health food, peace and happiness. xx

[Wednesday]

Hello adorable Sweetcorn,

Paedophile even the word makes me feel sick. Groomed and used, it is so common and I’m not surprised that your sister was also targeted, bastard. Your sister got away but by then damage was done. I know that other’s received the same treatment as me and I still feel guilty as though I should have stopped it happening. I also know that I was in no position to help and neither dear one where you. I’m sure abuse is as horrendous for guys as well as women. I hope your lovely friend is finding some peace these days.

Corn I’m sure your mum loved you even more for all the love and care you gave her. It wasn’t your job to fix her, she, as we all do had her own journey. I bet she knew and saw more than she ever let on, mums do that. Thanks for your explanation of how guys react getting angry when scared, that is a good fit for my son. He is so used to being in charge and making a difference, which he can’t do for me. I am in remission from breast cancer. One doctor has suggested that my auto immune system issues may relate to the chemo I had. I am tempted to agree, that at least the chemo turned on the problem genes.

Yes, the boxes are the safest. No family apart from my two, another in the wrong place, messy, story. I don’t know the whole story, I’ve had no contact for decades. It was safer and happier for me to move on. I was never going to be okay while I tried to belong to that family. I’m lucky to have you and others around the forum Cornetto that despite their own horrid times listen and understand. I think I wouldn’t have made it through the last year without you lovelies.
P is not doing well and I seem to offend him when I talk to him, even though I’m not trying too. What a mess we are.

Thank you for the beautiful light and star dust, it helps me sleep a little better.
Cuddles, xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Ava,

Burning the candle at both ends, I'd say. Carols and baubles are the least of my worries. In fact, the pop music they play at work is so bad I actually prefer the carols! As for the work, I'd happily let others take the weight, but they've been cutting hours so heavily there's no other bugger around to take it. Sigh.

I do appreciate your care for the marine life, with that biohazard box you're sending into the deep. 😉 I'm mostly recovered from my bug, thankfully. Sadly I can't say the same for my other half, it has become a lot worse for him, and I am concerned. Sorry to see you are stuck taking pain meds. You've got so much on your plate with your health, more even than my other half. It sucks.

Yes, it's funny how our stories are drawn out on here, isn't it? I've said little on my own thread about the source of my depression, but snippets have come out elsewhere. I think it's easier to speak of such things in support of others, than on our own account. Yes, whiskey and mellow jazz sound good.

I hope seeing your son on Sunday helps. I think Cornstarch hit the nail on the head about his anger coming from fear. Maybe between you, you can get to the bottom of it and get to a more helpful discourse. Will a bird on your shoulder help you find strength? Mr Feisty is the tough one, I'm sure he has some to spare.

I have the week-end off now, so am getting some rest. Physically anyway. Worrying about my partner isn't very restful. No worries about good food though, I just found a goulash pie in the fridge that I forgot I had. Having a wonky memory isn't all bad. Hugs and good music for you Ava,

Blue.

[Wednesday]

Oh dear Blue, I just checked your thread. So I have been so selfish not getting on to it before:-(

I'm sure that dear Cornucopian has it right, it is fear. I saw him earlier and it was okay he was mellower. It was easier being in a cafe, talking about books and nonsense and eating some yummy food. The place had a lot of greenery so My Fiesta was happy keeping an eye on proceedings, it was nice to have in swoop in from time to time.

Err just how old is that goulash pie? I hope you feel better and that your LM is home for you to spoil rather than worry about.

I am please you have some time off, though will those dam shop carols ever leave your head?? Quick play something you love loud and turn it up even more.

Treat yourself well with lots of TLC. Hugs, xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday
I’m a stranger, I’ve seen your name around & now read this thread, it wrung my heart. I’ve nothing in my cabinet of hopes or solaces to offer. All I have left to give are memories. I’d like to give you one of my happiest

To Nain & Tide
50’s London. A slightly tubby kid in grey shorts, black blazer with badge, grey cap, school tie. The clock creeps in the chemistry lab whilst Mr Hubert drones about valencies (a mystery to this day). The bell rings. We all charge down long wood-panelled corridors to the cloak room where I’ve my brown cardboard suitcase full of clothes my mother insisted on packing

I‘m out through the wrought iron gates and wait. 2 buses pass then one red double-decker stops and I clamber up the spiral staircase to the seats. The conductor takes my pennies and whirls a machine that churns out a paper ticket

I watch the streets full of people ending their day. I alight in a hurry at the grand dirty busy Euston station. I’ve my ticket so I look at the boards by the central sooty clock. Weaving between people, porters, trolleys and baggage I show my ticket to the watchful man at the trellis barrier, enter the platform which stretches forever. Running along the carriages I smell the soot, the steam & hear the huff of the engine. Finding a First compartment empty I board and sit on a plush seat under a picture of the sea-side

Just as I wished there’s one else. A shrill guard’s double whistle, energetic chuffing and a jolt. We’re going. I watch as the end of the station & sea of tracks pass, then the grimy suburbs glide by, backs of brick & slate houses and tiny yards towards me

The carriage has no corridor so I’m happy on my own. I unpeg the strap to lower the window. Assaulted by cinders, smoke and roar I close it

Crewe Junction
The train stops, each carriage clanking up against the next. Cup of tea & bacon butty from the platform cafe under gaslight. Put a penny in a glass cabinet to watch a model train turn its wheels. Print my name on an aluminium strip in a cast iron pedestal

I reboard - an old lady has my seat. She glares at me so I sit at the opposite end. She smells of lavender. We start but there’s nothing to see except my reflection in the dark outside. The occasional light whizzes by. Eagle time

Holyhead
I’m bursting for to wee, The train stops by the Irish ferry. Nain in Sunday coat, short, ruddy face, open arms. Tide, dignified, watchchain, twitches his moustache in welcome

Please forgive the clumsiness
Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Ava, I just replied to your post on my thread. Don't feel bad about not visiting it sooner, I've barely written on it in ages, as for the most part things have been a lot better for me, recently.

I imagine it helped your son to see you in person, and to talk about everyday things - by which I mean to say, he got to see that you are still you, even for all that you're going through. That can be powerful stuff, even if it seems like just talking nonsense at the time. Just some food for thought.

Haha, don't worry, the pie wasn't old. It really doesn't take me long to forget stuff. I'm busy a lot of the time, plus very easily distracted, you see.

Week-end off is coming to a close. Sadly my love is not yet home, but I have seen him today and feel a bit better about things, having seen he is doing better. Hopefully he'll be home tomorrow.

Fortunately, those Christmas carols don't stick in my head too much, and I have a strategy for dealing with music I don't like at work... I Shatnerise it. By which I mean, in my head I hear it in the voice and style of William Shatner. Mmmbop will never be the same! Makes everything so much better. 🙂

Blue.

[Guest_9809]

Good afternoon dear Ava. I do love that name, have I told you that before?

Sorry to hear that P is not doing well right now. That does of course make everything that much more difficult for yourself as well. You were going to be away with your daughter for Christmas and leaving your place to P to spend time with his family. Are you feeling up to still going away?

Dont worry about your son, he obviously loves and respects you a great deal. His anger comes from being unable to do anything about your situation, not matter how much he would love to do so.

I'm sorry you dont have the support of extended family, who you say you have not had contact with for a long time. But perhaps it was for the best when you severed contact with them as you obviously had very good reasons for having done so. So there is no use in looking backwards in that regard. Accept that your judgement was correct at the time, and just make the most of the limited family support that you do have.

And please try to draw on the support and goodwill of all the good people here, to help you through when you need it the most. I wish I was able to do or say something to help, as it is frustrating not being able to offer any solutions. So I understand how your son and daughter would feel in that regard.

Have you made any decisions as to where you go next with regards to your treatment?

In case I dont see or hear from you before Christmas Ava, I would like to wish you a hastle and pain free day with lots of joy. And my greatest wish is that 2017 brings some solutions for you.

All my love and a big hug. Cuddles for Happy.

Taurus xx

[Lost_Girl]

Dearest Ava,

I have been thinking of you. Are you able to travel to your daughter's home when you are so unwell? I hope you are able to escape and perhaps have some enjoyment with your grandkids.

Have you a way forward with treatment?

Things are going a little better for me.

Much love to you xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Croix,

Thank you for your happy story, so lovely to have you post on my thread. Now you are no longer a stranger but a lovely new friend.

That was big trip you took to visit Nain and Tide, I'm not familiar with the terms were they your grandparents? Oh you are bringing out the English side of me and have me yearning for a bacon butty, yum.

Hugs, xx