I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Hello Sweetcorn,

Thank you for your lovely post, you made me laugh. You’re quite right GAD is a nutty disease. Poor P does his best but it totally overwhelms him. There is a part of him that understands but it gets overwhelmed by the part that doesn’t want to cooperate. It is funny when I think about it. I think that by being around me, on a good day, he can now sometimes laugh at himself a little more. Having read your post I shall try to see the funny side more often. Laughing at P is not a good idea so posting and having a chuckle with you should work. It’s hard for him to be supportive because he has a cold (or cancer) and has to go to bed for the day, preferably with a maid on had to offer tea and toast!

I just read a book the Course of Love by Alain de Botton do you know of him? Anyway I enjoyed it, though I didn’t necessarily agree with all he said (a bit of a brave of me to say given the author). One of the things he said was that sometime in the future one of the first questions we will ask a potential someone, who in response will not be either offended or defensive is: So what form of madness is yours? I’m paraphrasing because I gave the book to my neighbour to read.

I hadn’t thought about being self-contained, introverted maybe, but I probably am in some ways. A messy life has made me so, as has spending a life fighting depression. I find the health system incredibly frustrating. I should tell you of my appointment with a psychiatrist many years ago, suffice to say he should lose his licence.

You are so smart! I don’t downplay my conditions on purpose and indeed I do second guess myself because I don’t necessarily believe myself. I might be a fake... tan I have to rationalise and explain to myself that the meds I take wouldn't be handed out to some who is faking, the doctors would have been on to me years ago...nutty heh!

I don’t know if you like hugs but just in case.

Hugs, x

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Carol,

What wonderful news, Storm is already such a fabulous addition to your family. I just love that she is bonding with you and your family so well. Isn’t it amazing that such a small ball of fur can create so much love. Your husband is looking like a bit of a soft touch, hehe. What is it with puppies and socks? But being the brilliant mum you are you had the perfect solution.

I hope the allergic reaction you had with the puppy has stayed under control. I wonder if over time it will lesson as your system gets used to Storm?

Thank you for your kind words. I'm okay but I’ve been very tired; I guess lung disease etc makes you tired. Dam cortisone, all I do is hunt out food, grrr. Do you have chocolate t spare?

I've also had to straighten out the Christmas arrangements, which was exhausting. P will stay here and I will go spend time with my daughter and her family. She is upset with P for not making the trip. I haven’t the energy to do any better than this arrangement, so she will have to cope. Stress makes my inflammation soar, so calm is my mantra.

Hugs, xx (tummy tickles for Storm)

[Wednesday]

Hello Taurus,

Thank you for your kind post.

Thank you also for asking about my friend. She is home now though sadly not doing so well. She is hard to communicate with and very easy to offend. I feel useless and so very sorry for her. I'll call her again later.

I should be pretty used to my AI by now, it just seems to keep getting add on’s. As for bike rides, I’m a danger to myself so not allowed to ride (grin). I do have some nice memories though. Small falls can create big problems for me. On good days I walk my doggy so its not so bad really, and I’m used to it. I have my own pharmacy in the cupboard when required!

There is something about little green frogs isn't there. Good to know that you have Tammie to keep you company, doggies make such good dependable friends.

Hugs, x

[Wednesday]

PS Yes of course call me Ava. x

[Lost_Girl]

Hi lovely Ava,

I have sent you a box of delicious Haighs chocolates.

I know the Christmas arrangement is not ideal. In fact you stay calm lovely and I will be super furious at P's horrible family for you, for feeling you can't stay n your own home.

On the plus side I am happy you will get some time with your daughter and her family. Perhaps they will even manage a day to show you the beautiful central coast beaches. Seeing kids faces at Christmas is the best feeling too.

The weather is just warming up in this part of the country. I am enjoying the lovely weather. Storm has been enjoying exploring our yard. Imagine my naivety and surprise as she started picking up fallen Camelia flowers, dropping them, pouncing on them and then eating them! Google is my friend as I frantically search it up to make sure it is ok. Apparently the search "Do puppies eat flowers?" is quite common hahaha. Now I am also clued in on safe and unsafe flora. I am pleased I have none to worry over.

I was pleased to read that you can get out for a short walk with Happy on good days. It must be frustrating at the moment.

So far I haven't had any further rashes from licks. Perhaps I will build further intollerance over time -that must be where I am going wrong with mozzies hahaha.

I put some decoration at out front door for halloween and I got 17 mozzie bites for my effort. They are still itchy too even after topical cream and an antihistamine tablet.

Storm is sound asleep and it is time for me to try.

Much love to you xx

[Wednesday]

Help dear Carol,

I'll type quietly and hopefully not interrupt your sleep.

Thank you for the chocolates yummy, all now eaten, of course.

Storm the explore dog, such good taste choosing a camellia instead of a weed to eat.

Do you know that dogs also eat bees? All my dogs have they must taste sweet, interestingly none have been stung in the process! It concerned me for a long time, but trying to get between a bee and my dogs was futile. So now little Happy does it too. He barks, growls and carefully plays with it first and then eats it. Law of the jungle or is that back yard?

17 mozzie bites in a short time is just not reasonable. Mozzies love me too! That is a nuisance that the normal range of treatments didn't work tho. A Queenslander I know uses banana skins on his mozzie bites and tells me it works. I use good old sting goes and antihistamines, but they help me. Oooo Im getting itchy just thinking about 17 bites. Years ago I would come up in huge bumps that would fill half a leg, these days they are more of a bump, so I must have developed some tolerance along the way.

I must ask for a tour of the central coast beaches.

Lots of love and hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Blue

I'm so sorry for not replying to your post, please don't feel like I was ignoring you. I have slow week so everything has taken forever to do ( give or take and ever) and my brain is on holiday, hopefully it will come back soon.

Oh yes dear Blue you are so very clever it comes through in your posts. There is no need to hide who you are. We need a range of people in the world and those that are gifted have so much to offer. Do you know this Marianne Faithfull quote? Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

On the gardening front I do love bottlebrushs, grevilleas and, and, and…. I have a number myself that grow well in a sandy soil. I have honey eaters that come in and feast regularly. While clay soil has its benefits your new babies will need to have the soil worked over and compost added to break it down, those roots like to wanderand don’t like to be water logged. You can buy clay breaker products too. It just depends on how heavy the clay?

Do you know if the plants you bought are native to the area? If so you shouldn’t have any problems. Give them a haircut after flowering and you will be well rewarded!

Sorry you’re still battling the bug. I'm so used to mine I think I should give it name something I dislike? Maybe you could work on your immune system and hit it from another angle. Maybe sauerkraut, Kombucha etc, pre and pro biotics? Oh why bother with all the god stuff, why don’t we just do the wine, much more fun (grin).

Isn’t it great to tidy/throw out stuff. I like to think it is making space for something good in my life to happen. Umm I think I will go and glare at the garage and see what can head towards the hard rubbish collection.

Hugs, x

[Cornstarch]

I love hugs Wednesday, I'm a naturally affectionate person, cold people scare me and I find them suss. People who have sustained violence and abuse for their entire childhood have finely attuned safety radars. I will not be wrapping my arms around anyone who doesn't pass my own internal testing system, but if you do watch out! because I am like a joey kangaroo, I'll wrap myself around you and you won't be able to get me off!

It takes time to be able to laugh about your medical/mental health condition. Some people never can, they are just to self focused to be able to see that they are part of a whole. Anxiety makes you feel neurotic because it is neurotic!

You are completely allowed to feel frustrated about your partner's anxiety disorder at times. Post away Wednesday, I won't be offended. Maybe you'll come up with some new wise cracks that I can then use myself to make me look good to grossly attractive women. Come on Wednesday get to work, I need more material ha!

I like your synopsis of Alan's book........my synopsis is something similar and that is that we are all ridiculous.

How cute is that green tree frog.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

All good, Ava. I know all too well about brain-on-holiday syndrome. You're talking to someone who keeps forgetting to put her pod in the coffee machine. A few mornings lately I've made myself a nice hot cup of sugar water. Then there was the time I remembered the pod, and forgot to put the cup under...

Your quote does sound vaguely familiar. Kind of makes sense, too. Being inadequate... well, we've all had a shot at that, in one area or another. It's familiar territory. But power, or big success? That's new ground, and scary as hell. And for most I think it comes with the underlying fear that all the excuses for doing nothing about things that matter "what can one person do?" are a bunch of BS. Granted, I too am limited in how much I do for good causes, but at least I know it's because I prioritised sorting out my own stuff, not because I as one person have nothing to contribute. Probably not better, but honest, and not afraid to be so.

Thanks for the advice on my native plants, it should help quite a bit. The clay is on the heavy side, so you may have saved me some disappointment. I haven't planted them yet as work got kinda hairy and I haven't had time yet, so it isn't too late. Not sure how local my plants are, I'll have to look into it. Glad to hear you're getting lots of honeyeaters in your garden. I get a few coming to my garden already, but only out the front. I want the back yard full of birds, where I can go out and sit among them and not be bothered by my neighbours.

Bug's still there, guess we should both name our bugs. I could call it "Work", it's a good name for something so annoying (and I expect work is 98% of why I still have it, not much sleep and hardly spare time enough to scratch myself). I have a bunch of immune boosting stuff, and I'm all for the sauerkraut - maybe with some German sausages, to stick with the theme - but no reason not to have that wine, too!

Your comment about glaring at the garage made me laugh. Sounds like something I'd do. Pity glaring doesn't make the junk go away. Before work went horrid and took up all my time, I managed to get a lot of my junk out of the house and into the garage, which I'm happy about. It's good enough for now. And I got a desk set up in the spare room for doing my arty things, no more pile of sketch pads and pencils on my computer desk, I can find my computer again.

Running out of space to type more, so I shall wish you well, and give your bug another smack with my smacking stick.

Blue.

[Wednesday]

Hello Mrs Dools,

I'm sorry that I missed your post, please don't think that I was intentionally ignoring you ;(

I think some gathers would look quite nice on a quilt, maybe you were just ahead of the fashion?

Oh gosh am I happy I am not taking your tablet, I walk across people all the time but that's just me. Taking a tablet that makes you do it is just not okay.

Knitting is progressing very slowly. I'm supposed to have 142 stitches but have closer to 160, is that better than dropping stitches? Umm, oh well, it will be interesting and the little baby probably wont figure it out.

I hope you are doing well apart from your crab walk!

Hugs, x