I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Dear Croix,

Thank you for your response. Your responses are always a pleasure to receive and its value far higher than you seem to think. My goodness Croix are you undervaluing yourself by chance? (dear, dear :))

Alas I've tried the kiss and hug thing but it didn't work. P just freezes up at the times, no PDA's.

Inspired by you I've written a very short story. Well it belongs to someone else, but I added a lot of creative licence! It was fun, I think I shall add to it's length and make it a page long story.

Hugs, xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday

-So when do we read this pile of plagiarism? (Remember 2,500 characters max:).

I did actually think of the possibility of him freezing, but thought the making of the pact plus him just bending over and pecking once per evening might over time have an effect. Ah well - back to the drawing board, no that should be keyboard shouldn't it?

Menagerie acknowledges your presence but thinks you are taking up my time when I should be opening doors and cans of sardines in tomato sauce.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi Wednesday

Thanks heaps for caring as much as you do. Things have improved...thank goodness

Im not a fan of the 'silent' treatment either. Ive had it before and dont want it again.....Its an awful feeling let alone to have someone say 'dont talk'

If I may ask.....does your partner have a councelor or a good GP that he works with on a regular basis re his anxiety? Does he get anxiety attacks? (excuse I for the questions W..please ignore if I have the wrong ones)

Everyone has some type of grrrr re some of the choices we have made. I do too.....but wouldnt approach it with complaining and then 'dont talk'. Common courtesy is free....I guess I was lucky to have learnt that early

A 50/50 conversation as you know is the best bet and good on you for initially thinking in a humorous way too.

I hope you have a better night tonight W

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Cornstarch]

Wednesday you are a Warrior Women, that's how I see you when you come to mind.

You don't have to validate this, I just know.

I don't think you've actully told me your full story but I know that you are incredible just to have survived it.

I haven' read your thread nor will I, but hope that you are travelling OK or at least as well as can be expected.

Kanga Corn Always Up For A Cuddle

xxxx

[Emmy.]

Hi Ava,

Sorry to hear about P and his mood the other night. Hope things have improved. Have you been able to speak with him at all.

Perhaps a strange question. But when he says that you've critising him have you ever asked in a calm way "P, hun, what is it that you want to hear from me? What do you want me to say?" Just to understand his perspective. And please know you've none nothing wrong but I wonder if he has some perceived idea of how he wants that conversation to pan out. Again I'm not saying that you need to change your approach - you sound super supportive but just to understand him. That night did he just want to;

* wallow in his thoughts of the "wrong choices" he's made

*get out of the house perhaps - change of scenery??

again I hope you know I say this with your best in mind. Just can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Lots of love to you Ava. Emmy xx

[Guest_9809]

Good morning Wednesday. I've not called in for some time, for which I am very sorry. As you are aware, I have been taking a bit of time off other threads. But I am once again starting to venture out in the last day or so.

I've thought of you though, and have appreciated your posts to my thread recently. Well, I can see that you havent posted for a few days. I also see that P has been his usual grumpy self. I am unable to offer any advice in that regard, I'm afraid. However I'm guessing that, as opposed to a perceived criticism of him by you, given his mood at the time he was just totally unable to be receptive to anything you may have said. So it was more his mood, than what you did or didnt say, critical or otherwise, that set him off. I think if it were me, when he is in a mood like that, I would just avoid him as much as possible until his mood improves.

I see that you had a Dr appointment on Tuesday. I believe this was to discuss further treatment options for your CIRS? Has the temporary fix of supplements made any identifiable difference so far?

And how about the psych apt? Yes I read about the bad experience with one in the past, so I realise that would leave a lasting bad impression and a definite reluctance to go again. One hopes that particular psych has been de-registered! When you are ready to take the plunge again, just know that the majority are really good caring professionals, and there purely to help you.

Right thats about it from me for now. I hope the little curly Happy dog is continuing to be your constant companion and ongoing comfort.

A barrow full of love to you, and a gentle caring hug.

Taurus xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Croix,

My story doesn't quite fit the criterion of a happy ending so will need revising, so pleas don't holed your breathe. I hope you and your pets are all well.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Paul,

I am so very pleased to read that life has improved for you, well done it must have taken a lot of work.

No P doesn't have a counsellor, a GP he talks to or anything else. I think he believes he has it all under control. He doesn't.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Oh Dearest Sweetcorn you're back!

How are you going?

Ah yes warrior woman on the outside but melting jelly inside!

Many cuddles. xx

[Wednesday]

Dearest Emmy,

I know you are always thinking in the very best way for me, thank you.

I don't really understand the moodiness, something about wallowing and I am convenient because I am around to take some of his mood out on. The problem is now I try so hard to get it right I'm getting it more wrong than ever!

Lots of love sweetie, take very good care of yourself. Hugs, xx