I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Oh dear I hope you have a parachute in Buddy to help the bump.

I love your new picture, is it your are work?

The curly one is getting better. In a way he was lucky it could have been much worse, 3.5kg vs 35kg was never going to work. I worry about him too much to so I know what you mean. I don't know why I would do without him. However he's a smart dog and may well be learning how to get the most delicious home cooked food and how to be carried everywhere! The vet has been great.

xx

[Guest_9809]

Hi there Wednesday. You are up late tonight. Perhaps tending to the little wounded warrior?

You havent yet responded to my post from yesterday (Thurs), but I can see from your replies to everyone else here that little Happy is doing much better today. What a relief!

Sorry to read that your ADs dont seem to be working that well right now, as a result of interaction with other medications you are on. Juggling act aye? Although I am not overly sure that 'fading out mentally' is such a bad thing on occasion. It is a defence mechanism to protect us from things that are too painful to bear. A bit like when we dissociate. Which I guess is pretty much the same thing. If it works to give us a little break from reality, then so be it.

Thinking of you Wednesday. Hugs for you and your little dog.

Taurus xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dearest Taurus,

I'm so sorry I missed your post 😞 please done be offended I value your friendship so very much.

It hasn't been nice seeing the little on in so much pain and feeling so helpless. Everyday he gets better. Today he jumped on the bed and did his morning routine of I'm awake how come your still in bed?

The meds and doctors what can I say it is so frustrating that I cant bear to care does that make sense? I might not be around much for next week there is a lot on. So if you don't see me around don't be concerned.

P asked how I was but it went badly and he saw it as me criticising him. I was truing so hard not to and to just explain what it felt like to be nothing. It is never really about me is it? Nothing that you don't live and know yourself.

love and hugs, xx

[Guest_9809]

Hi Wednesday. Dont worry, I wasnt offended about being missed out on. (-: I waited thinking perhaps your reply to me may have been sent for moderation actually. So I was thinking, goodness what did you say? But it really wasnt a problem, as you had answered most of my questions when replying to others posts anyway.

Great ... sounds like Happy is recovering, and getting back to his usual self. Jumping up onto the bed to check on you is a good sign. Did he require stitches to his wounds, and if so will the stitches need removing or will they dissolve?

I think I can understand what you are saying about all the Drs and meds etc, and not wanting to care. No use in worrying about it anyway, is there? So perhaps your doing the right thing, by trying not to care.

Oh dear, P is so self-orientated isnt he? Weird how they seem to be able to turn everything around to be all about them. Yes I do understand all that, as my partner is so very much the same.

Well, as you have a lot happening this week coming, I will leave it at that. I hope your week goes as well as it possibly can. And I look forward to hearing further from you when you are able.

In the meantime, I will be thinking of you.

Love and hugs to you also.

Taurus xx

[Music_Freak]

My pic is from the drummer from Halestorm, its what he wrote on the setlist he gave me after the Sydney concert, that I had him sign. It's in reference to my instagram account I run for him

[1113]

Hi Wednesday,

Im just popping in to say hi.

We don't formally know each other yet although we have shared some humour already.

It would be my honour to get to know you better.

Peac3

Matt

[Guest_9809]

Hello again Wednesday. I have been thinking of you throughout the week, and hoping you are doing okay.

I know you said a week ago that you may not be around much as you had a lot happening this past week. I hope everything went to plan and all good.

I expect little Happy, the curly one, is well and truly on the mend by now. And its great that your vet has been so good with him. It does help doesnt it? Especially as our little companions dont know whats going on, and if they actually take a liking to their vet, then it just makes it that much less of an ordeal for them.

Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday,

The Sumo cat deigned to twitch a whisker in your direction (before resuming more important matters) and the Zeppelin dog sent a wag to both you and the curly little dog (hopefully ok - both of you)

Croix

[Lost_Girl]

Just popped in to fill your room with beautiful bright gerbras for when you return. They really are a mass of colour and they look like they should all have big smiley faces on them. There, that's better.

Me xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Taurus, Narelle, Matt, Croix and Carol thank you for your care,

In brief dear ones. The little curly one is doing really well, as dogs do, his crushed throat is healing and he is eating again and happy. Although it was a bit of a close call for me, he really seems to have forgotten about his misadventure.

Croix please thank Zepplin and Suma for the twitch and wag, most appreciated.

Thank you Carol for the gerbra's, they look wonderful and so very cheerful 🙂

More meds to try, which essentially mean more meds are failing, here I go again. Two new meds have been added to the PBS list so I have a couple of options. Though it's hard to feel excited about such things these days.

I'll try to get to each of your threads soon.

Squishy hugs, xx