I’m back and I need support

[Chicken_Wings]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

[Chicken_Wings]

I had an up and down weekend.

I got up on Saturday and felt a bit flat, but I went out anyway. I helped out my friend and by the time I got home I felt pretty good.

I did a couple of things around the house and then had a nap as we were planning to go out in the evening.

I woke up and just felt yuck. I didn’t want to go anywhere and my boyfriend said “we don’t have to go if you don’t feel like it.” So I cried with relief and we stayed home.

I slept so well.

I woke up on Sunday and just kind of felt uneasy. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere and I slept a lot.

I’m getting more worried that this isn’t just depression. That there is something seriously wrong with me.

Im losing my appetite again, although im forcing myself to eat.

I hate this. I wish my family lived near me. I wish I could hug my mum. I wish I was ok.

[Ggrand]

Hello CW,

Im really sorry you sound like you had a rough weekend,

Im really sorry you can't give you mum a hug, I know it's not the same but I'm sending you a virtual hug..Your b/f sounds really nice, do you know what will feel good for you..well I think it will, just go up to your d/f and ask him to hug and hold you for a couple of minutes..

Im pleased to see that your eating even though you don't feel like it,

I think autumn is a beautiful time of the year, Awe sweetheart if your feeling down, try to ground yourself a little take time for yourself and enjoy a little of your day, I think it is really nice to just go outside and feel the suns warmth on our skin, or listing and watch the birds, my favourite is to watch the clouds as they gently move across the blueness of the sky, or even take a cuppa outside and drink it slowly taking in the sights of the trees, sometimes our days are busy and we forget to check in with Mother Nature, maybe if your mind is to chatty, give that a try..

I really hope your day today is a better one then yesterday,

Love,

Grandy

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Grady,

Thank you for the hug and thank you for listening.

I started off yesterday better, but then someone at work upset me and the rest of the day wasn’t great.

I went to see my psychologist and she was helpful and I have new homework to do.

I’m still scared about how I feel but I’m still going. I’m working on it. I hope I start to get there soon.

I love autumn too. I love the rain and the cooler weather.

Ive been trying really hard with my mindfulness, sometimes it’s nice just to have that time to yourself to just stop and rest the mind.

I hope you are going well Grandy. I hope you’ve been keeping up with your walking and I hope you’re feeling some improvement.

[Ggrand]

Hello CW,

Im sorry I've taken a while to respond to you.

I hope you are feeling better then your last post portrays.

I hope you had a good 🐣 Easter and enjoyed yourself, even a little.

Mindfullness is so helpful for us to practice constantly, I do it daily and those few minutes does give our mind a little and makes us feel relaxed and calm.

How did you go with your homework? Was it hard or okayish to do..

Look after yourself and be gentle as well.

kind thoughts,

Grandy

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Grandy,

I assumed you were busy doing your Easter.

I had an ok weekend. I went 2 days without crying. That’s the first time that’s happened in a while.

I didn’t get up to much, which made me feel a bit bad. But there were times when I felt genuinely “normal” too. I live for those moments.

My homework was pretty good. It was all about uncertainty, which is something I have trouble with. I’m scared of the future.

I’m trying so hard Grandy, because I want to be better. I want to be happy and I don’t want to be scared any more.

I have another appointment with my psychologist today.

[Chicken_Wings]

My psychologist appointment went well. I think I’m discovering a lot and I wondering if my homework is finally falling into place.

Ive felt a little more positive in general over the last day or so. But I’m still anxious. I’ve been practising my mindfulness and I definitely think it helps.

One thing I have noticed is how much better I feel at night. I actually feel ‘normal’, which is glorious. Sometimes I don’t want to go to bed because I feel well and I don’t want it to end.

Im continuing to try and eat better. I think it’s really important. I need to increase my exercise too.

I really hope I get there.

[Chicken_Wings]

I’m very tired, but I didn’t wake up full of dread which was a nice change. Not to say that I didn’t want to just stay in bed.

Ive made some plans for the weekend and I’m a little nervous. We also have a house inspection on Monday so we have to clean this weekend and so far I havent been able to find the motivation.

I can’t help but think about how I feel. Even when I feel pretty good, unless I have something to think about my mind drifts to “what’s going on? How do you feel? You feel ok? What if you feel bad again soon?”

Im in a constant state of anticipation for the next time I feel bad.

I got quite flustered at work yesterday and found a quick 3 minute mindfulness session for that exact thing. I managed to get myself to relax, but it wasn’t pleasant.

I wish someone could give me a timeframe by which I will feel better. I remember in February having a good day and thinking ahead to April and anticipating feeling better. But here I am 😞

[Chicken_Wings]

I had an up and down weekend. The hardest part is to not constantly we checking myself to see how I’m feeling.

I did some productive things like cleaning, which is good. But I still feel a general sense of dread, especially when I wake up.

I’ve had a fairly productive day today which is good.

I feel really alone in this.

[Moonstruck]

Dear Chicken Wings

I had to reply to a comment a few posts back...about being a "night person". I too am very much a night person (hate the early mornings when I wake and am familiar with your "feeling of dread" at that time)....you also said you don't want to go to sleep...because you don't want the night to end.......Me too!!

I find myself reading in bed until I can't stay awake any more.....because I feel so good at that time of day......Have a lovely night!!

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Moonstruck,

I did not want to go to bed last night. It was another night where I felt normal. I had no unhelpful thoughts, no tears. I was somewhat motivated, I event swept the floor!

Come the morning and I’m tense again. I have so much anticipation for the day ahead and how I might feel.

I know the thoughts aren’t helpful but they just keep coming. I’m going to try and do more mindfulness and some of the cbt techniques I’ve learnt. I really hope I’m turning a corner.