Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I told him at the start if he stuffed me around he'd lose me forever. He stuffed me around,  hot & cold, non transparent, mixed messages wrong impression.  

Unlike him, when I say something I mean it.

[CMF]

He can't take the good with the bad, just wants the good.  He was the same when he spoke about his wife. He's not interested in hearing about a bad day. We'd talk every night  & he'd be scrolling through his phone.  Said he was multitasking. Jerk.

[CMF]

I have an overwhelming feeling of calm.  My mind is so much at peace. Everything with him is loud, messy,  inconsistent,  flakes. It messed with my mind. I don't care what he thinks or feels anymore. I'm glad I was finally honest & told him what I think.

I feel peaceful & I should feel this way with a partner. 

[CMF]

Now I feel empty. Just empty. Nothing. Sometimes I wonder why I reacted like that then I remember all the rejection. The rejection when he got back from os. Then telling me how attracted he still us, then starting something that was so intense, more intense than it ever was in 5 years. The kisses in my driveway,  the fun, the laughter, the love & caring I felt. The bike,  the cold shoulder for a week, the clarification,  the rejection again. Hope we never cross paths again.

[CMF]

I also remember the things he would say to me when we were intimate & that he still wants to keep his options open. Why? So he can say them to someone else? He makes me sick, absolutely sick.

[quirkywords]

There must be a lot going on your head.I hope writing here helps you.

I hope you are getting enough sleep.

[CMF]

I am, thank you Quirky. Sometimes I need to remind myself what I knew but denied. I am quite calm as I no longer think about or care what he is doing. I can focus on myself, my family,  my career. He wanted me so much now he will never have me. If I had met with him Sunday he would have strung me along. He probably didn't like that I wouldn't give him the time to meet face to face but I've given enough of my time to someone who didn't value it or me. I made the right decision for myself.

[CMF]

My message to him asking what he wanted I asked him to be very honest with himself & me. I told him it would be the continuation of of our story or the crappy ending.

He read & re read several times before responding. He knew it was going to be the end.

My next message was to confirm he's happy to ssy/do all these things with me but still want options.  He said yes. 

He thought he was still gonna get his way. He re- read my message to really think about his decision cos he knew it could be the end. He wanted to meet face to face why? To try & let me down gently even though I was holding the cards? To convince me to continue? To give me sweet words again? To meet me face to face he knew I deserved better but still admitted he wanted me & his options open. Did he think I wanted to be an option? Did he think I would trust him again? Talk about having a big ego.

[randomxx]

l can understand the wanting to be face to face these things are too big for messaging but l understand your reasons not to too.

Gobsmacked at his replies in one way but at the same time , as hurtful as it was l'm glad he was honest about it.

[CMF]

True but if I hadn't asked & forced him to be honest with himself & me he would have kept going till it suited him eith the hot/cold treatment cos he doesn't want me but doesn't want to lose me. Would you believe I feel guilty for feeling happy.