Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[The_Abyss]

Hi CMF -

I saw you post in "fear' and thought I would try to find your thread for more details.

I have nothing to offer to fix the situation for you, but just wanted to send some support your way.

(((hugs)))

TA

[CMF]

Hi TA,

thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to find my current thread and I appreciate the support.

i like your 'fear' thread. Our fear can change and I think that thinking about what your fear is on a particular day, or day to day, can help us to see that it is the fear/anxiety/overthinking that is the actual problem, not what we are fearing (hope that made sense).

i hope you have had a good day.

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Firstly Happy Easter and my apologies I have not been on here for a few days as I have had a busy weekend with the family and what not.

I have read your last few posts and can see how upset everything got you.

Firstly I want to ask How are you doing currently, mentally and with your back as well?

Sorry to read that your ex has ruined your Easter that is never nice and was a little shocked to read someone would say a child doesn't need two parents just a happy environment, I actually was like whoa! how can someone say that?! I am glad you didn't go past his parents place, that just wouldn't of worked out well emotionally for you. May I ask, did you ever reply to him or did you just leave his initial message at just that, a message? It is possible he is feeling some guilt and does want to see his daughter, growing up does funny things to you. I know it may not be the case but you need to try and keep that in the back of your mind and if you daughter can grow up with a person who wants to be her father, it may be something to consider, if it is just a one off thing because he was told to see her then that is wrong.

I know it is hard but rise above it, I know it drives you crazy and brings you down but you need to keep your head up high and rise above it as best as you can. You have been through so much emotionally and don't deserve it but god will never take you too what he can't take you through!

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

hope you enjoyed your weekend and had some good times with family. I am feeling better mentally and my back is better, not 100% but I was able to go out shopping with my girls today and we had a good time.

i did reply to his message and told him we were out. As soon as I did I leftbhe house in case he came over. He probably does want to see her but not me. I e never stopped him from seeing her, he has excluded himself. I have no idea what or how he thinks and feels. I found it odd that he messaged me at the last minute, they would have organised their luncheon before 10.20am on Easter Sunday so I don't know the true reason behind the message. Guilt, pressure from others, who knows. She is important everyday, not just at Easter. He didn't bother with her bday.

Im glad I'm not the only one that think "woah" about the things he says. Sometimes I'm gobsmacked. His head really is not screwed on right. I hate to think how it explains it to his family. I would be mortified if he tells them that I keep him away etc. I'm positive they don't know the truth/whole story. Why would he tell them how he treated me. He did confide in a friend years ago who encouraged him to admit he treated me badly and apologise which he did, then He wanted to be a 'family' but the words weren't his in my eyes. He was told what to do. It didn't come from HIS heart, just like everything, it's alwYs what others tell him to do. I couldn't do the whole 'family' thing with him, get back together, I didn't trust him not to hurt me again. That's probably why he hates me so much and gets abusive. No one has ever rejected him because he controls things. Oh well.

i like your note about God never taking you to what he can't take you through. I will keep that in the back of my mind. I do believe He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I remind my self of this when I can.

i hope you are doing ok Jay, thanks for being here.

cmf x

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

Im sorry to read what happened over Easter and good on Jay for this great comment..."God never taking you to what he can't take you through"

Has anybody written up some basic ground rules where contact is concerned?

When my daughter was little I always gave my ex about a week's notice (email) which was just a courtesy. Its was polite and respectful just to keep some basic peace which also benefited my little one.

He has an interesting attitude about parenting....hmmmm. You both have a 50/50 split where parenting is concerned even if he didnt acknowledge his daughters birthday...Thats his loss, not yours.

Here for you cmf

be gentle to yourself 🙂

Paul

[CMF]

Hi Paul,

no, no ground rules as we were just going along, taking her out together being amicable but then he b,ew up at me at Xmas and I don't want to have much to do with him. I don't wNt a formal agreement for her, I'm happy to play by ear but his abusivness toward me is not on. He can see her whenever he wants but he makes no attempt. I just don't understand him. He always wanted kids, then he freaks out, then turns his back, then steps in when it suits him and tries to control everyone. I'd don't even trust him with her, he is careless so I'm happy to wait for him to make an effort to see her. I don't know what he is expecting down the track. I don't mind that he asked the question by way at the last minute? Was she an afterthought or was he pressured and what is he telling his family? We were meant to do our best to get along but he gives me anxiety because of all our past issues and how I've been treated and his behaviour toward people. He doesn't listen to read on either, just bitter all the time and making excuses.

Anyway,you are right, his loss, Easter is over I just want to pick myself up again now, be positive. What I'm nervous about is his attitude when we do see each other or speak. If he is rude and dominating I won't handle it well. At times I feel like going to his parents and exposing why I don't go there and how he treats me but I'm fearful his mum will not accept it and blame me as she did in the past. I don't want to go through that again. They are just so ignorant.

cmf

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

I didnt mean a formal agreement. They are necessary for people like my ex who refused contact visits for nearly a year.

I just meant your ex should have provided you with at least a couple of days notice. You can ask him by email to give you some notice....then the stress levels on you and especially your daughter will reduce significantly 🙂

[CMF]

Ahh gotcha Paul,

Thanks for the suggestion, i will keep it in mind. She mentions him but doesn't ask about him. I asked her if she would like to go out with him sometime for lunch or something and that i wouldn't ome and she said no. Said she only wants to go if i am there and her 'friends' meaning my family. When i was at the markets last year and he looked after her i thought he would take her to see his parents but he didn't on may occasions. N

He did stay at my place and cook for my other kids, which was really thoughtful,but when i told him he didn't have to , that he could just spend time with her he still didn't take her to see his parents much, but they expect me to go and do it. He had ample opportunity so they cannot blame me for not seeing her.

Sorry, bit anxious today thinking about it all.

[CMF]

When i picked up my little one from kinder today i got talking to a woman who works at the neighbourhood house. We spoke about jobs, study, volunteer work. she suggested starting a course next semester,along with volunteer work as it will help but not guaranteed getting a job in particular area. She asked how long since i had worked. She was very helpful but then said it is really hard nowadays to get back into the workforce or just to find a job. I had no issue previously. Well, this has me in a panic now as I'm scared i will lose everything. When i look online i see so many jobs and i am happy to be a checkout chick but i'm scared now, it may be harder than i think.

I hated the job i had before having the little one, i was s glad to get out of it but now i feel my world is upside down.

[CMF]

Well i am just going to be positive and not dwell on what she said. The way i saw it, before i spoke with her was that i have the opportunity to do something new ad different with my life. I was looking forward to getting back to doing something. I don't want to let her comment change the way i was thinking. I'm jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst when i should look at it as an opportunity for positive change. I do get anxiety thinking about my last job though.

So much going on in my head today. I feel hurt, thinking about past issues, feeling angry, negative. Kids went back to school/kinder, change in routine does affect me too. Should i go to his parents, tell them exactly how it is? That his behaviour is unacceptable and i will not tolerate it? His mum will tell his sister and it will be them against me as usual. I j just don't want to open a can of worms and if they tell him he will explode. I don't want to start anything but rather wait till he comes to us. If i go there they will either blame me like the did previously or think it is all ok and expect me to go all the time.

Hopefully a good night's sleep tonight will help, didn't have a good one last night.