Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'm no longer feeling lost on a Friday night. I enjoy coming home from work & relaxing. I don't feel a need to go out shopping to keep myself busy.  I'm glad I don't have to spend my Friday night with his sis all over us. 

[quirkywords]

CMF

I think the fact that he didn’t ask about the more expensive potion. Sure It will be fine. 

[quirkywords]

I am glad you are enjoying Friday nights.

[CMF]

He's messaged me a few times this week. As long as we're both putting in the effort it's ok. 

[randomxx]

Yeah do see your point too with the blinds though and the different money views and stuff.

l was wondering how much you both talk and call through wk now too, see ea other now, and if that's all just normal like back when you were together properly now or just patchy or wkends or what.

Did you guys use to talk and see ea other, together all  the time all through the wk before too or ?

We're petty patchy now, could be days, l know we;re both thinking about stuff. But b4 we'd still be together in message and calls and blabbering 24 7 even if we weren't physically together with distance. lt feels very strange to be like this now after 5yrs.

[CMF]

Hey rx

We don't really talk during the week but we do text. We usually catch up on the weekend,  sometimes have lunch. We used to talk every night but it was usually me going on about work while he looked at stuff on his phone. Nothing deep & meaningful cos he doesn't do d & m. We used to only see each other on weekends too. Friday night dinner at his with sis, Saturday night he'd stay at mine & Sunday we'd go out. Not sure if you remember but I always said I was just a weekend thing cos sis was his weekday wife. He never made the effort to see me during the week & he admitted he should have wanted to but didn't.  He used to watch tv shows with sis yhen tell me how good they were & i should watch.  I never did. Toldhim he should watch/enjoy them with me not her. So I guess the difference is we don't talk every night, I don't have todeal with sis & when we do see each other it's light & fun. We only live 15 mins away from each other so it's easy now but not when we were together.  He loves the new me. The me I couldn't be cos he was so wrapped up in his sister so I shut down.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

i recalls is being midweek wife to m.

There are so many different parts in a relationship.

there is. French expression loosely translated 

th more things change the more they stay the same. 
I don’t think it applies much to you but BM didn’t want to do things before in a relationship but seems to want now. 

i am impressed by your insights and realistic approach . 

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky, 

You are right. Things have changed but are same. The changes are good.  I always wanted to be just with him & now I am. I wonder,  if I was this version of myself before would he have made me a priority instead of sis? Guess it doesn't matter.  Things work out the way they're meant to. My card reader was right. It doesn't matter if sis knows we still see each other, she will realise we still want to see each other without her around. I wonder if the penny will drop for her? I did tell her very politely how hard I found it not having space & that it was always 3 of us. If she knows we see still each other & sees he's happy even better. She'll see he still wants to see me without her involved.

[randomxx]

Hiya cm .

l've just wondered is all bc even before all this now while you were still together l l thought you were very close by yet didn't really see that much of ea other. But then he had his kids and stuff and you yours so, makes a huge difference on things to though l know.

So now things are pretty much the same or maybe even a bit less than b4 then hey.

And yeah remember all the sis stuff, maybe she's finally figured out what a pain she was, how's things with the bf these days any idea ?

Us yeah, we were normally 24 7 really whether together or not but since the latest it's a whenever it is atm. We talked again today by phone a few hrs though and had lunch together, we often did that before.

Don't think l'm ready for us to go back to normal though just yet, if say that was to happen.

.

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Yeah at the start it was hard to see each other cos of kids, as they were in High School.  Then we had 2 years of lockdown but after that he could have made the effort if he wanted as the kids were adults.  Bit hard for me to go there as I still have little miss. He was comfy with just  weekends but so was I. I'm tired during the week. He did call every night though. I did hate that he had all these shows he and sis watched.  When I was there she used to tell him she'd saved them so they could watch together.  One time she got annoyed he watched without her. Yeah, a real married couple. She's still with her bf. Maybe he's too scared to live with her hahaha. M once told me he's put her in her place a few times when she's tried to control him. Something M could never do.  When she moved in with M she'd been with a guy 10 years. It was going nowhere & they split but I wonder if M didn't expect her to be there that long? He says it's nothing to him, she's just 'there'. He doesn't see the hubby/wife thing. One of his friends does. She told me they feel like they're intruding when the go over to visit. That he worships his sis. It's nice that others saw it too. These friends have known him a long time, knew his wife. They got along with his wife. Not many people did. Don't think sis will ever figure it out. In her mind she's entitled to him, she needs his attention. By acknowledging she'd have to admit fault & neither of them will do that.