Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I hope this sunny spring morning brings you warmth, contentment and happiness. Isn't that what spring is all about? Feeling a bit optimistic and flowery this morning so my prose is following behind.

Words do come and they do go all right, some days I want to triple post (but will be good and respect the board), other days dragging a full sentence out is tough, even sending a text on the phone is a stretch.

Sad and happy to hear about the church, I feel sad that it is such a place of mixed emotions for you. I am however very, very impressed at your perseverance. That is very stoic of you and shows a great depth of character. I hope things get easier for you.

My trip is our trip, it may not be dodgy but organizing and getting it to work in place may well be. Can we just say it is a nice country, where hopefully nobody is mad at anyone, and we can take some much needed family recovery time. 1.5 weeks almost, I am hanging out for it. I can't believe we decided to do it really, but it has been a long term goal I had given up on.

I understand how you feel about leaving your castle, I wish I could get council approval for a moat and other defenses. I did travel a lot in work at one period, but was never comfortable with it. I would much prefer to be warm, safe and snug at home, but I am looking forward to this and will keep the struggle with the fear of the unknown at bay.

Have to catch up on the rest later, very pressed for time these days.

Have a great day!

[White_Rose]

My Dear Mouse

A personal trip. That is terrific. Well in that case I will not ask questions but I will wish you a very happy and recuperative time. Take lots of photos to remind yourself you can be happy.

Spring is officially here and the weather is playing along with the season. Sadly it won't be long before I start complaining about the heat. I too am feeling more optimistic today. On Monday my meditation group met at my home for our monthly discussion. It's usually very lively and frequently drifts away from the topic. As the gathering was in my home it was my prerogative to choose the topic. I gave everyone a copy of Five Lessons from Dr Seuss, (perhaps you have heard of them?) and it went down a treat. Thank you for your contribution.

Perseverance, stoic, depth of character, impressed. Wow! How lovely to hear those words addressed to me. Not sure about about stoic as, for some unknown reason, it seems to denote putting up with something because I'm too stupid to get out of the way. And actually I think that is true on many occasions. There are times when I should cut my losses and move on. I do find this hard, mainly I suspect because being stubborn is part of my make-up. Why do we do these things to ourselves?

As I ponder my life, (doesn't that sound grandiose?) I realise I have always been nervous about leaving familiar places. I think I told you about fainting in the bank. Fortunately for me I have friends and activities in my familiar places and can travel vicariously through my friends' adventures. I found it helped a lot to travel with someone. Not good on my own.

I am feeling quite confused at the moment because of my conflicting emotions and I realise that much of this is self-inflicted due to not letting go. Why do I mourn the loss of someone in my life who has given me help and friendship but also betrayed my trust in a most cynical fashion? Well I suppose because I want the comfort I received even if it means overlooking the hurt. This time however, I am standing my ground and saying this behaviour is unacceptable. The only trouble is I am still mourning. How stupid can I get. This is your cue to write one of your wonderful metaphors.

At this point I realise I have few characters left. Maybe this is the story of my life, little character. I must be having one of my inspired moments. Please let me know when you are leaving.

It's good to be busy especially when working towards a great goal. Continue to look after yourself.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I did try to finish my post yesterday, but after dragging the words out into the board, it spat the dummy. Pretty appropriate considering the content. I figured that was a message so crawled back in my hole.

Next week for the trip, freaking out now. I'll be fine once I get out, but getting there has the heart pounding.

So pleased the good doctors five lessons were well received, very happy.

My apologies for using stoic badly, noun: A person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining. I don't take it to mean anything other than "determined" and "of strong character". Staying in the way of something is a choice closely linked to the strength of our values and spirit. We have reasons known only to each of us why we put up with a deluge of stuff. But ultimately it is our choice.

I've battled with some psycho's on that issue, you may have detected that is is a sore point, very much at the moment in fact. Why do we do these things to ourselves ... we each have an answer buried someplace, whether or not we want to open that trapdoor is another question. I get a bit tired of psycho's wanting to rip of scabs protecting wounds, tempting to smack them in the chops. Tempting, now that is what I'd call therapy!!

I think those of us who have collected "life points" aka years (I heard this recently) are well entitled to ponder and reflect on life from a point of great experience, we earned it, paid out taxes in pain, survived this long... more than previous generations. We should even be allowed to ponder quietly with our eyes closed to enhance the experience. 🙂

It is complex dealing with the conflicting feelings of hurt and comfort, I'll go with comfort since I'm on shaky ground for me anyway. Not sure about a metaphor at the moment, I'm a bit messed up by fear and the shame of the stupidity of triggers. A quote then. “You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Lastly, I have never found the number of characters coming out of a person to be reflective of their character or quality as a person. More often than not it is inversely proportional, the more they talk the less that is said. I feel more at home with introverts, its much more peaceful and quiet for a start.

Take care and have some good pondering.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

It seems I must use the S word. I fully understand the why and how you used stoic. I really do. I find it well, interesting, to observe my reaction to descriptors. I was asked recently if I was sensitive, another word that grates. To me the word has connotations of expecting special treatment because of being frail, being 'precious', somehow set apart from humanity because ordinary life is hard to bear. I know this is not the way the word is meant. As I understand it this word is used to denote someone who knows their own emotional strength, and is attuned to the emotional situation of others. If this is the case then I think intuitive is a better descriptor.

Your description of pre-holiday panic sounds very like me when I need to go away. Preparation for a holiday is supposed to entail being busy and being busier as the departure date approaches. It's also supposed to built excitement and happy anticipation, much like the approach of Christmas for a child. Where did I lose that capacity?

Dear Mouse, you never fail me. Life points! Great image no matter where you found it. Yes, we are now old enough to think for ourselves. This is the time to show our wisdom to the following generations and be their role model. If scratching the itch and peeling off scabs is part of this then it needs to be done. Very painful at times, but how can we not do it? It's a way of draining the poison we have accumulated and demonstrating the validity of this to our children etc. Otherwise we become "Do as I say" people, instead of, "Do as I do" examples.

Mind you I have been tempted on occasion to smack them in the chops but find it's too much effort.

Comfort vs hurt has been a dilemma throughout time, well at least the time humans have been around. I guess wading into the fray with eyes open, no matter whether it is on our own account or for others, can be a daunting prospect. I notice my GP picks her battles with me. Some she can win while others are left to another day. That skill I find amazing as I just charge ahead without much thought. I think I would save myself time and energy if I thought ahead a little.

Before I run out of words I need to tell you I have been watching the Star Trek films on SBS2. So far The Voyage Home and The Unknown Country. Well I have recorded the second one and will be recording the others. All on TV at 8:30pm. It's a bit late for me to stay up until the end. I feel a quote coming on soon.

Look after yourself.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello lovely Mary,

The 'S' word, and you find it interesting to observe your reaction to descriptors. Funny you should say that, I had a couch session quite a while ago on that very subject. And we had a great debate about that very word "sensitive" and its buddy that I normally put in front when discussing me ... "over", words that indeed grate with me also. I was supposed to do a list of strengths but did a 'strengths and weaknesses' page. Another #FAIL instructions for homework. Sensitive was in the weaknesses column but the lady of the couch did her best to tell me it was a strength. We agreed to disagree I think. I agree with you, and intuitive is definitely a better word that I would be much more comfortable with. I always seem to see calamity in progress that other people fail to see, it seems obvious to me as I watch the lemmings trot over the cliff. Sigh.

Travel panic. Even when I traveled for business all the time, I was hopeless until I got to the plane, then I relaxed and often fell asleep. I have slept through takeoffs and landings, and a couple of times through whole trips (short ones and not so short). I learned something interesting once, I remember being very, very tired and got on a plane in one city. Don't remember anything after that until I was woken gently in another city. Everyone else was off the plane, and based on the look on the faces of the cabin crew, they thought they had a body on their hands. Their relief was considerable, I imagine it would be a horrible amount of paperwork!

Sounds like your GP is a smart woman, my GP is a seasoned old bloke who is much the same. I get ah huh from him reasonably often, peering over the eyebrows, and deep sighs are pretty frequent. It must be experience.

I watched the voyage home also, aka the whales one. One of my favorites. On the subject of trekking, are you aware of the song by The Firm "Star Trekkin'" ?? It should come with a mental health warning really. You will either love it, or hate it. Either way, you can't un-see it, or un-hear it. Google/YouTube "The Firm - "Star Trekkin'" - ORIGINAL VIDEO". Feel free to abuse me later. There is a queue.

My oh my that was a week, still have the weekend to go and then there is another one I suppose. Anyone get the number of that truck?

Take very good care of yourself!!

[White_Rose]

Mouse, I feel as though I am being held gently when you use greetings as above. Thank you.

This week has been one of mixed emotions. I met with my couch yesterday and got upset with her because of the way she tells me things. Very slowly and often repeats. I have just written a letter to her saying that when she does this it's as though she is giving birth to every word. However I haven't sent it yet and not sure if I will.

This stuff is making it hard for me to keep on an even keel. Sometimes I feel quite settled and fine. Other times I get weepy and maudlin. Such ignominy. However, I am more able to answers posts on BB which is reassuring. Coping better with my various jobs so I guess normality is just around the corner.

Just watched your Star Trekkin YouTube. I found it quite funny. Someone has a warped sense of humour and so must I to be able to laugh at it. The Voyage Home is one of my favourites also. I really enjoy the back in time films, except Back to the Future. That was appalling.

For some reason I thought you were going away this weekend. So another week of your inspiring company. I think I am very tired at 7:50 pm so I am going to bed. Everything looks better after a good sleep.

Good-night, sweet prince; And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. This is too a good a quote to use only once. I think I will take that quote for myself tonight.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Please write to me. I feel very alone and sad.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh sad sweet Mary,

Please don't be sad. I'm sorry I didn't get to post until now. The last few days have been a bit of a trial. I'm pleased our conversation helps you, trust me it helps me too.

It is spring now and the storm season seems to not just be in the sky above us, I'm finding life a bit stormy. We are supposed to be in for a wild season. Bugger. Makes staying on a even keel rather trying.

I have not been able to get to the couch for weeks now, and it will be many weeks before I can again, then there is the trip racing towards me this coming Saturday. To say I'm wound up, apprehensive, freaked out ... understatements. ooops, going off on a tangent.

I do so relate to the way some couch owners lecture or talk down to those of us in the hot seat. The slow repetition trick is a bit painful indeed. They must think we don't get it. From what you've written, we do get it we just don't agree or like it. Me anyway, how about you?

I'm so please you enjoy Star Trekkin, not a normal sense of humor indeed. But who wants to be normal. It is good fun, how are you going getting it out of your head?

I hope you get your bearings and get on course very soon. May your sailing be smooth and the wind be at your back. A parting quote for you.

May you dream of lovely things and wake to find them real. JJ Heller

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

You have lightened and brightened my day. I don't recognise the entire quote. I know 'may the wind be always at your back' is part of an Irish prayer, but not with the first part. Even Dr Google cannot find it. Love the second quote.

Horrid weekend in general although the parish dinner was good. Lots of laughs for the men of the Bayside Unsynchronised Mens Swimming Society. Great food. Had to leave after a couple of hours as I felt myself getting towards the panicky stage and not able to sit still.

I hope the storms stay away for a while. It's usually November when they start. It's also November when I feel the worst. Maybe it is the storms affecting me. Never thought of that before. How come you have not seen your lady of the couch? You seem to get so much out of these meetings.

I did send an amended letter to my couch. Once she starts to talk slowly I get into such a tizz. It's the tension of waiting for the next word and wondering what she rejected on the way. I so wish she would just say whatever and we can sort out miscommunication later. So either things will improve with her or she will tell me not to return. Despite me saying on numerous occasions I don't want to go I find the minute this becomes a possibility I want to stay. You can imagine my chagrin.

Spent much of yesterday afternoon and evening in tears until I phoned one of my support team. Had a fairly long chat and felt much better. Tomorrow (today really) I take my poor car to have some cosmetic surgery. Perhaps some of the new gloss will rub off on to me.

I hope your week will not completely overwhelm you. You will need some energy to enjoy your holiday. I can't sleep on planes, just too uncomfortable. Oh to be able to afford first class travel, or at least business class. I have been upgraded to business class a couple of times and revelled in the comfy seats and being able to sleep lying down. Ah the world of the rich and well-off is a mystery.

I am going back to bed now to get in a couple more hours of sleep, I hope, before Monday really kicks in.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm so pleased to have lightened your day, and hopefully brightened it a bit. It is a nice feeling to help someone at least. That was not actually a quote (that I am consciously aware of anyway) but just a sentiment or wish that fell out of my head onto the keyboard.

Very sad to hear about your weekend, mine was a bit average also. Trying very hard not to analyze it and just move on. BUMSS ... I'm sure I'm missing something there, and I know I'm not firing on all cylinders at the moment. So I'll take it at face value.

It is nice that you got out and enjoyed the food, I am way too familiar with the panicky stage and not being able to sit still. It reminds me of weddings, that phase where everyone if getting drunk and I'm not, everyone is merry and I'm not. Nobody wants to leave and I do ... I do hate the torture of social gatherings.

Well the storms did start early, and the long range forecast is for more of them. Hopefully they remain in the sky, I can't cope with life storms right now.

Right now I've had to shelve couch visits, I'm very time poor and scrambling to finish everything I need before my trip. The timing with work could not be more difficult, home has its pressures, there is no time left. I do seem to get myself into these pickles way too frequently.

I'm pleased to hear you got your thoughts for your couch on paper, i hope that has the desired outcome and gets your couch reupholstered and more comfortable. Maybe a nice throw pillow, available to throw? Yes I can imagine your chagrin, I'm very familiar with all the 'vexed' family of feelings.

Oh Mary, I know we have to let the wet leave the heart via the tear ducts, but I do feel saddened that your weekend was so sad. It does sound like you really need people close to you, and to be engaged with people. You sound like you thrive in a social butterfly role. Just the impression I have.

I so envy you a support group, and friends. I know the lack is a ongoing issue to me. But not something I have the bandwidth, health, or energy to deal with right now. On my todo list all right. So glad for you that you have that.

I hope you and your car get some special treatment, some pampering, and come back feeling better. Oh I wish for some more sleep, not doing very well in that department and probably won't until the plane.

May your Monday be magnificent marvelous Mary. 🙂