Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[quirkywords]

GG and everyone,

There are so many lovely posts here written by you and others. Just reading them makes me smile and touchs me as well as you and others reveal how vulnerable and honest you are. The care and understanding in these posts is quite soothing to think there are so many kind people in the world willing to open up their hearts. I feel I am covered by a nurturing blanket.

Mary, your posts really move me as you are willing to give so much of yourself to help others. I like the idea that being brave is about iscontinuing day after day to regain yourself.

That is so profound and so true. I have been there trying day after day to keep doing but never acknowledged that was being brave. Thank you.

Kind thoughts to all

Quitky

[Ggrand]

Hello Mary, (if that's ok). Quirky, wave to others.

Mary your words are so kind and helpful. Yours as well Quirky, Thank you so much.

Im always in awe, of the advise the Champions and volunteers give out here and on other threads, , the way you talk is so caring, it always touches my heart and makes me feel like I'm not just surviving anymore. Huge thanks you.

My son (adopted) was raised well and is very caring, my guilt is keeping me from getting close to him and causing a strained relationship with my other two sons.

If I was brave enough to walk at that sad time, none of this would have happened, but I wouldn't /couldn't go to my parents as it was extremely very toxic there, I was stuck, When I think of that time and my entire life I get so angry with myself, really a deep anger that makes me want to do bad things to myself.

Mary, I can imagine how hard that was to do after 30 years, well done, be proud of yourself for leaving a toxic person. it's strange isn't it, how our tormentors seem to have a hold over us that makes us feel unsafe away from them, yet while being with them we are living in fear of them.

The support of everyone here is helping me to put my broken pieces, broken soul together. I often come in my thread and read it when I'm feeling down and lonely the posts gives me a feeling of not being alone, they comfort me a lot.

I have spoken about my 3 children and what's going on with them to physiatrist, The rest of my life I can't seem to really talk about I just breakdown, to ashamed of my life and my weakness. I'm trying and will get it all out when I can, My physiatrist is kind and understanding and is willing to give me the time I need.

Day to day , is a struggle and as Quirky said and I also didn't realise, we must be brave to get through each day and be ready to do it over and over again. Thank you

Kind thoughts, to everyone,

I would so much like you to post here anytime you feel up to it, I look forward to reading all posts here and am learning a lot from everyone. I really do appreciate everyone here.

GG

p.s. DB I have read your post, thank you, I need to reply to you but atm needing time.

[demonblaster]

That's ok Grandy you've read it & acknowledged thx hun.

You don't have to reply xx

Look after you first beautiful Grandy lady

Sounds like you can do with some of our healing soul touching hugs

🤗🤗🤗

Deep care hun you know that but saying anyway xx

[Ggrand]

Hi DB,

Please, Stay strong you can and will get through this rough patch, Tough talk? No maybe this time yell at [IT]. Keep believing in belief and hope, hug them both close to you, don't let them go.

DB, You said...."IT" as we know feeds on pain vulnerable times & sleeplessness, powerful yet weak, it feeds on our weakness. We don't so what's stronger"..... So true,

I would give just about anything to sleep even a few hours, uninterrupted, without waking or without dreams, only doing maybe an hour or two a night now for nearly a week. Its taking its toll on me, tears are coming so easily, Darn it, it took over 7 hours yesterday just to clean house, normal people take coffee breaks, I had to take so many crying breaks, house cleaning just keeps triggering me all the time, but I can & will no matter how tough it is, clean my house myself. I can and will do it myself..

I don't want you or anyone else who's, reading/posting/listening, to feel bad for me, or be sorry for my life.... I should have been more brave & not such a coward....I should have had control over me & my life, I failed, it's my fault.

Im ok DB,....tired but ok...Now you honey, you are at the moment struggling with the beast, we need to tame [IT]..let the beast know who's the boss of your thoughts, Tell [IT], you own your own thoughts, remember you told us the brain can only think of one thing at a time.

I'm concerned about you,...you have come a long way, I've read your thread....I can see how far you've come, please don't go back there again. Be Kind to yourself..... I care so much about you DB. I know everyone here does. Take all the time you need to heal. I'm not going anywhere, Talk to me if you feel like it DB, I'm a good listener, maybe not good at advising you, but I'm here for you...(Now who talking to much).

I took those hugs DB, all of them.

Returned hugs for you 🤗🤗🤗🤗.

kindness only

GG

[Peppermintbach]

Hi GG and all,

It’s so lovely to see the wonderful support and care you are receiving (as well as witnessing the care you give to others including me. How lucky are we?)

Sorry, I realise the above post was mostly addressed to DB. But I was hoping to perhaps suggest that I think most of us (or at least me anyway) empathise with you rather than sympathise for you.

As in, I don’t “feel sorry” for you as you might think. Rather, I empathise; I try to understand things from your perspective (as best I can) and feel for your plight and pain. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But yeah, empathy and not sympathy in any case...

Oh GG, I don’t think you’re a “coward” as you put it. If I remember correctly, you left home with this guy in an attempt to escape a difficult and desperate home situation. A home environment that never gave you the emotional resources or tools to venture out into the world...

I don’t quite know your story but maybe you were merely repeating past and familiar patterns...perhaps tolerating things others may not simply have because that’s all you knew (and not because of a character “flaw” or “cowardice”).

I suppose my point is I don’t think you’re a “coward.” I feel you are being a little harsh on yourself. I feel you did your best, given what you knew and given what emotional resources you had at the time. If there are things that haunt you, I think that reflects circumstances rather than anything to do with you as a person.

For the record, I think you’re a beautiful person 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Pepper,

Thank you, Pepper you are so sweet,

I can't see it your way..

kindness only.

GG

[demonblaster]

Our beautiful Grandy lady

Lovely post Peps 🙂 I'm not a Mum darl but feel your pain.

Grandy I don't know you're entire story but a fair bit & what you've been subject to in your life is atrocious.
You feel you weren't strong enough, this guilts eating at you, but in your defense what about the reasons for not being able to do as you would have liked.
Depression's only allowing you to see one side.
People that do these evil things to others use mind control to the max & anything else to have power over their victims. MONGRELS. They overpower. That's NOT your fault.

Everytime someone hurt you starting at a very young vulnerable age, I think is the seeds of depression starting.
DEPRESSION weakens us, It's NOT that you're weak.
You've gone through sooo much Grandy, agree, try and be gentle with yourself darlin.

Hope this can work for you, recently & this hasn't really happened before but logical thinking was happening... ? allowed it in... ? acknowledged it. Could be a result of the mind being made up or maybe there is another voice talking to us but we don't hear it.

Sweet soz to be venting on your thread, meant to a tinsy bit but got into it too much, also cause we're friends I guess but shouldn't have xx I'm still learning here and when the heads like yours atm lack of sleep pfffttt
Anyway did you get some sleep last night?

Hun if you knew what solid advice you give, loved that you threw my stuff back at me lol, been trying to do that too, seriously things you've said... you've got clues my lady, lot of. What & how you've spoken to others. You're amazing, sooner you realise the better.
Thankyou & no more about me here, this is your space xx

Sorry Grandy hear you but I do feel sorry for your life but empathy as Peps feels too. No one should have to go through the crap so many put on others. They're wrong....not you.

You're a beautiful caring loving soul Grandy, we're in this together, I too am not going anywhere.

Thankyou for your care btw (by the way) back atcha hun, you're sooo worthy

[Ggrand]

Hi DB,

I just don't want/can't do this anymore, my mind is tired, really tired. I can divert my thoughts yeah 10 min, 30, min, even an hour last night, BUT, they always come back, I just can't sit/ lay down in peace anymore, I can't just rest without having to try and divert my mind. I can't even sit on my lounge anymore and take in the mountains n trees without a peaceful mind.

Get out of bed, make a cuppa tea, sit down to drink it, boom it's a thought fight, thoughts against thoughts, again all day until/if I sleep and if ghosts from my past don't visit me. No DB can't/don't want to do this anymore. I don't think it's worth it, These memories will be with me for life, they will ALWAYS torment me.

Kind thoughts

GG

[white knight]

A thought

A thought isnt real

But its something we feel

Feeling by mind games

And we'll always be the same

But a thought can be good

And so it should

To reply to a broken heart or

The horse before the cart

But one day the good ones

will out number the bad

Days will be happier

Many more than sad

Your daily life will be bright

And there will be less strife

You'll be at the peak

Of the the rainbow of your life...

[White_Rose]

Hello GG

I answer to most names but thanks for asking. Mary is fine.

You are walking such a hard road and doing it alone except for your psychiatrist. I really hope you are getting the best help with him/her. May I ask your opinion of your psych?

You offer such beautiful words to everyone, can you offer them to yourself? I know it's easy to write here and offer support and advice, but a completely different matter when it comes to your own life. I understand your not liking to see psychiatrists and psychologists. I hated it also. It was really horrible. Well with lots of help from my GP I stopped seeing that psychiatrist and started to heal. Unfortunately there were other events in my life and I crashed out.

It was a dreadful time and taking my life was very much on my mind. I got through that time, again with my GP. She sent me to the psychiatrist I see now. The psych is fantastic and I have come so far even though another bombshell exploded in my life. It has been incredibly difficult but I am healing and I want you to heal.

I have said all the things you have said about yourself and I believed myself 100%. Absolutely. It's not a case of pretending the past did not happen, or pushing it out of sight. These things only increase their power over you. They most certainly do not like the light of day, so this is where they need to be. Yes it will be painful. I have sat in the psych's room sobbing, demanded that we stop looking at my nasty bits and felt very alone and afraid. I know I am not alone now and I like to think you are not so lonely.

I can't tell you what to do or how to talk to your son or any family member. It is up to you to decide with the help of your psych. We are all here to hold you, to tell you what a unique person you are and how worthwhile you are. Please try to believe us.

I was at a service in the cathedral in Brisbane during mental health week. A young woman told us her story of managing her mental illness. It was amazing. One of her comments was, "What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet". It took a few moments to absorb this and I wanted to jump up and say yes. Please take this as a sort of mantra to get to the end of your journey. When I find poems, songs or quotes that inspire me I print them out and stick them on the wall in my kitchen where I pass them every time I go in or out of the kitchen. It's really good. May I suggest you start your quote wall with the quote above.

Mary