Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩, Paws, Eagle Ray, Fiatlux, Croix, Happy Sheep and everyone 🤗..

Thank you all for your kind words of support and help me realise that I am doing some good in this world….Being so down I feel useless and not enough, my mind fogs over, can’t think straight, tears are a constant, unhealthy thoughts are always present, only thinking of yesterdays abuse and trauma,  can’t t even think about a minute ahead…while in triggered ptsd why my mind/thoughts go and remain in a time that goes years back, I’ll never know…..then I’m  just trying to survive the minute I’m living in…..and it’s very hard to see any thing except blackness…reading your beautiful caring words helped brig in some light…thank you all very much….I have only here to talk out my feelings as well as one beautiful friend I can turn to…but she also struggles a lot and I don’t like being to much of a burden to her….

I lost 2 work mates over a couple of months and their relatives didn’t think we (the girls that worked with them for many many years) were not, I suppose I could say, important enough ( not sure if that is the word I’m looking for) maybe care enough about them to let us know they passed away for weeks after…and let us give our respects at their funerals…They meant a lot to everyone that worked with them….especially myself…

I feel deep emotions, it’s hard for me to understand how many people can continue on in their daily lives like nothing has happened….while I feel devastated that I’ll not be able to see these 2 wonderful ladies again for a chat or coffee…Death is so final and within weeks of passing, cancelling everything that person had ie: Drivers licence, bank accounts, Medicare, social media if your on it….it’s like they never ever existed….except for the beautiful memories you hold tight to for that person…Loving and caring for friends or people is so amazingly beautiful….When we help people, they feel good a bit of happiness and love comes into their lives and it also gives us a feeling of worthiness….In a way life can be beautiful but also very very cruel….and sad…

Fiatlux….You have an amazing son, who loves you dearly…

I wasn’t allowed friends when I was married….never even had one, my attention was to be for him only, how dare I have a friend and distract myself from him….. now I have a couple of really close friends in r/l and have a lot of beautiful friends here on the forums…I never felt cared for or loved like this before…I appreciate and am grateful for everyone of you…God knows how beautiful you all are…❤️🤗..

Thank you all for the hugs, each night in bed I thought about your hugs…your names and how much you’re all apart of my life now🤗..

Sending you all my love, hugs and caring thoughts….💜🤗🌈🦋🌹..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Grandy catching up with your thread. Sorry to hear you have been feeling low, Take care.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

It is hard when people don't inform us of someone's passing.  Though I think often it is often because the people doing the notifying accidently miss someone rather than it being deliberate.  I know when family members have passed we always tried to split the job of notifying people so just one person didn't have to do it all, but that comes with the risk of thinking the other person was going to ring someone & the other thinking you were.  I remember you saying that you got to make a lovely memory of one of the lasses when she came into work for lunch just before she passed.  Hold onto you memories of both of them, I'm sure they knew how much you cared.

When it come to people "just getting on with things".  Some 30 years after mum passed I was taking my eldest brother to his psych appointments & usually just waited for him in the waiting room then home.  One session the psych asked me in & my brother said (for the first time ever) that he thought no one else missed mum when she passed, especially me as I just "got on with things" & started doing everything mum had been doing.  I had to explain to him that at 12 years of age I thought that was what mum would have wanted me to do as she had been teaching me how to keep house since I was 5.  Sometimes "just getting on" can be a way of coping with loss or of hiding the pain.

It is horrible being down & not being able to think clearly through the black brain fog.  You do make a big difference to a lot of peoples lives, including mine.  Hold on to that one simple fact & hopefully seeing the light you bring to others will bring some light to you & help you see past the fog.

Big 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Grandy~

Some people never learn what is truly important in life and may well go on almost as if nothing happened. You on the other hand do know, and even in your grief at the physical finality of passing away are still aware they do live on in you and others who valued them. Your relationship with a peron does not end when they pass away, it continues.

After many years I still have a relationship wiht the first Mrs C, and it is a hapy one wiht only small drops of sadness here and there. Nowadays I'm more likely to smile at the fun and tenderness we had than feel loss.

Maybe being ignored by people you don't realy have a relationship with has led to you not being at the funeral, however I doubt it would have stopped how you are feeling now by attending. Funerals can be upsetting if you hear the person has not really been understood and their acts of kindness and fun glossed over.

You give so much comfort to others here, what would you say to you?

It is only whne you mind fogs over due to the injuries your psyche has endured in the past you forget how wonderful a person you are and the many that have greatly benefited from you tender care, and even just your company.

Thinking of hugs as you go to sleep sounds good

Croix

[Fiatlux]

Hi Everyone and Happy Mother’s Day,

Even if you have fur babies and feathered babies, you deserve to celebrate yourself.

I was very surprised this week again. My daughter and son in law sent me a beautiful bunch of sunflowers again. This was a real surprise. My daughter knows how happy sunflowers make me. They have happy faces and they are in season now.  🌻

My younger son also bought me some delicious homemade shortbreads and chocolates from a lady who has a stall outside the local IGA. They are scrumptious. Lemon flavour and with edible gold decorations. Yum

I haven’t heard from my eldest yet but I promised myself that I am not going to remind my children that it’s Mother’s Day. Just a simple phone call or message and I am happy.

But I am definitely not going to do any cooking or baking today! Love to all. Fiatlux 🙏🏼🫶

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy,

I wish I could offer you a nice hot (well-seasoned!) pot of tea - very comforting - and a slice of really nice cake - and we could sit in comfy armchairs all cosy near a fireplace (it's getting cold) and we could reminisce with each other about dear friends we have known and lost...

I lost two wonderful friends - both I had known for decades, both very dear to me - one got dementia and stopped knowing who I even was and passed away in a care home much too young - and the other had a sudden collapse and died, also too young. I miss them still and it's been a long time since then.  

There's a lovely saying about dogs, that dogs never die, they simply sleep in our hearts.  I think that of little Sam, my sweet dog that died - I keep him in my heart, so he's always with me.  I think we can do that with our dear friends as well - they live on in our hearts and memories, and we treasure the happy memories of them, of their kindness and friendship.  It's not the same, but at least we have these lovely memories to warm ourselves with.

This is how I manage with losing little Sam - I think of him sleeping warm and safe in my heart, because he wouldn't have wanted to be apart from me.  And one day I hope I will see him again, when my time comes.  Meanwhile I think of myself as keeping him safe and every so often I take out the memories of happy times with him - and also with my dear friends who passed - and remember the good times.  It's like taking a shiny pebble out of your pocket and turning it over in your hand - you take out the memory and you look at it, and you enjoy it and are thankful for it, and you remember the love and friendship, and you warm yourself with those memories.  That's how I get through things like this.

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone 🌸

Darlin friend I understand how you’re feeling jilted about the families not letting youse know for a fair time. I’d be feeling the same. It’s added to the deep pain your experiencing which is very sad 💭
It certainly is an emotional roller coaster losing someone and so much organising to do but usually the priority is to let people know asap. 

I don’t know for sure hun but I think we continue in spirit after we leave here.
At times Ive not made it to a funeral but I still feel the people close by and hope dearly they know how we’re feeling about them. It’s very hard Huns.

As you know in time sweetyheart the pain eases although it’s terribly hard till then. My/our hearts are with you sweet lady 💜🤝

I’m sure they would have felt as enriched knowing you as you do them dear Grandy.
What beautiful memories and time spent together will be of comfort at some point dear lady💗

I dearly hope darl that you’re getting decent sleep wow it plays such a hard part in our mh doesn’t it. Contributes to pulling us down. Sometime I’m going to research as well as remembering techniques from our dear Doolsy’s sleep thread that I practice at times. Particularly the counting back from 1000 in 3’s.  

I’m so glad that you have friends now Grandy. What a horrid situation not being allowed. Shaking head Pftt.

Sweety the beautiful friend … they’d I’d think want to be there for you as I’d bet you for them. Not that anyone wants to be struggling with mh although there’s probably a deeper understanding between people who know hard struggles.
You’re a dear soul that we know anyway to not want to burden them.

Ok magic lady we’re off soon to a complimentary lunch one of the churches is putting on. How lovely many people are.

Always love and strength through the hard times sent your way sweety, I’ll add that to Eagles Penguins in there, aren’t they dear little beings.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💗🤗💜💭

[Fiatlux]

Hi Grandy and all the beautiful people posting here,

Thinking about your post and not being notified about the passing of your friends and work colleagues, reminded me of all the funerals my dad was actually invited to when he was still with us. Although I am surprised that the family didn’t inform your place of employment at least.

Being a butcher and the best sausage maker, my dad made a lot of people happy and people adored him. I remember he telling me about the funeral of a former customer, whose daughter phoned him after the passing of her father and asked my dad if he could please attend the funeral service as her father spoke so fondly of my dad and as a dying wish her father asked that his daughter please inform my dad if he passed as he didn’t have many friends but he considered my dad one.

One of my employees attended a funeral service just this past Friday of his neighbours wife. Having lived next door to each almost all his life, as he inherited his father’s house, the house that he grew up in. It’s getting to be rare to live next door to the same neighbours for several decades as people move away. My grandparents lived their entire lives in Australia in the same house and had the same neighbours for 30 years. 

As my parents migrated here in 1970 when I was still a bub, they always spoke of Europe as home and back home the entire village or town was informed when someone passed. They all knew each other or of each other. When someone passed, they would ring the church bells in a way that everyone would understand that it signalled the passing of someone. The bell was rung for every year a person lived, so in my dad’s case 73 times. 

When my dad passed away, they rang the church bells for him in his home town. Dad still had family, mainly cousins back home and everyone went by the church and lit a candle for him. It was a tradition that they kept a large candle burning and this was only extinguished after his funeral. We kept that tradition for him here in Australia as well. We don’t have many churches here with bell ringers any more. 

The one disappointing thing about funerals is the commercialisation and costs. I found organising my father in laws funeral a little bit stressful but I did it to ease the burden for my mother in law. It was a simple small intimate service. 

Don’t feel too bad about it. Maybe the family were just stressed and just simply forgot to inform you. Sometimes families just don’t know who their loved ones friends were. Like the local butcher.

Have a wonderful week, you beautiful lady. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Hi everyone,

It has been a terrible stressful day today at work. Everything that could go wrong did.

Husband had surgery on his elbow yesterday and needed to spend the night in hospital. It was so peaceful without him and nothing but stress and drama since he walked in the door this afternoon. 

I lost it with him until he went upstairs to leave me alone for a good cry. It was 7:30pm already and he was still demanding me to do things for work in preparation for tomorrow. Mind you when I raised this issue with him last week, he wasn’t interested in listening. He never listens.

Faithful (Tears)

My tears are faithful

They never leave me wanting

Whenever I summon them

They come prepared

They fill Up my eyes

And if it is safe, they sprint down my face In a maddening rush

Gather at my chin

then they leap off

and land gently on my blouse

My tears are dependable

They lie in wait

Ready to release me

(If only for a moment)

Sometimes they summon

My gut to engage

if they need the reinforcement of sound

that can only come from the pit of my stomach

My tears are created in my gut and yet they have my back

Sometimes they take center stage and silence everything In my body

They subpoena my nerves, cells, and bones

And like a conductor they hold everything in suspension

Until they decide to move in silence

And they gently cascade from my eyes

so tender, that sometimes

I’m unaware that they have been there for me

That they have been delivering me from a silent pain that needed to be liberated

My tears never run out

They remain

in joy and pain

They don’t question- they sequester

they don’t ponder- they don’t fester

They don’t resent- they present

They don’t fluctuate-they alleviate

They don’t switch up- they show up

every time

They are faithful

An entry from my journal October 20, 2020. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[HappySheep]

Oh Fiatlux, that sounds horrible.  It's OK to have a crap day, you are not responsible for ensuring everything in the world runs smoothly.  Do you have someone in real life to support you in having a cry or debriefing afterwards - either in person or on the phone? You have so many pressures on you, I hope you can find places to feel safe/ provide relief, even temporarily. Take care of yourself!