Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as fast as my tears.

A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him 11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still, so still... far too still.

I immediately tried to wake him by shaking him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before running outside to call the police.

I have been in denial, and keeping busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this plane.

His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that goodnight would turn out to be goodbye.

I have felt so much guilt owing to my circumstances for the past few years.

See as an adult I had to go back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a man.

I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me, yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life.

Other guilt stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't think he did either.

I have been talking to his photo and recording myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away.

I put on a brave face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying dad.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I wrote two posts, but they did not seem to be here, now I worry if I even wrote them, so sorry if my reply seems askew as my memory is blurry.

I think this breakdown has taken something from me, but as you say, perhaps is a way for me to also purge more grief.

Last week was so hard, I ran into a person who knew dad, but she did not know that he or mum have passed, I tried my best to reach everyone I could, but it all happened so fast...I did not want to post it to social media or such, dad did not like that, so I tried write or call those of whom I could find contact details of personally.

I know there are many people who still do not know about dad, he knew so many people, everywhere we went he was always bumping into somebody he knew. he still gets phone calls and text messages on his phone asking how he is going, I don't have the strength to answer them.

Took me back to the funeral, it was so fast, I was told on the Friday at 10AM that I had to organise for Mon, by that afternoon at 3pm, so I only had those short hours and then the weekend to try to contact everyone who meant something to him, I know I failed him in that, as I said there are many people whom I still have not notified, who still call him…

Dad’s friends have saved me, and I know without doubt I would not be here without them, they have given me so much, now I do not ask them, I want them to live their lives once more.

For mother's day I wrote a heartfelt letter and some words that I think are the best I have ever written, I was going to put it into my brother's mail box for him to place with mum...but I stood frozen beside his mailbox, and could not do it, I don't know if it is too late now or not.

I have recovered from one tremendous set back in my life, it took a few years but I did it, but I also had dad to support me, now I have so much to do without that monumental man beside me, I know I am strong, I am still here, though I am afraid as my strength wanes, and what happens when I have nothing left to draw from, I hope dad lends me some of his power as that time approaches.

Right now I guess I am in survival mode once again, I think I need to try to do things dad would want me to again, call my friends, go fishing etc, I want to sleep right now as I type, but.

I may seem I did not respond, but I see your beacon of light therising, it still shines through the darkness, I take in your wisdom, and I am trying, I just wish I had some of that wisdom I do now, then...

[Sophie_M]

Hi pl515p1, 

Thank you for sharing here on the forums, it is an incredibly brave thing for you to do and you should be proud of how you have taken a step on the journey to recovery. 

Grief and loss are incredibly difficult emotions for us to process and we can only imagine how you are feeling at present. We are sure that you did a great job with you dad's funeral and got onto everyone that you could. Also, it sounds like you wrote some lovely words fro your mum - we are sure it's not too late to share them with your family if you want to. 

We think it would be useful for you to give our phoneline a call on 1300 22 4636, the team are wonderful at supporting people on the call and helping to point them towards other supports. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 - they are also amazing and we recommend you call them as well if you prefer.

It sounds like you are in a really challenging place right now, please remember that if you feel unsafe that this is an emergency and you should call 000.

Thank you again for showing such amazing courage in posting here today, please feel free to update us on how you are going. We would really encourage you to post again if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

I know it may feel hard to believe but your wisdom will grow. I find, for myself, question everything with an open mind and wisdom gradually comes in. Wisdom cannot enter through a closed mind. I'll give you an example. By the way, I know I sound a little insane regarding the following but, none the less, this became of comfort to my mum:

Just this morning, she was telling me how much she misses her sister who passed not too long ago and it's beginning to lead her to feel down. I said, 'Okay, I'm going to open my mind to channeling her'. I warned you, this does sound a little insane. Anyhow, I felt compelled to look at 2 recently framed drawings my aunt had created which my mum hung on her lounge room wall beside her tv cabinet, just a couple of weeks ago. Coming to stare at the picture of a beautifully coloured heart, what came to mind was 'I'm here. Look along the top of the tv cabinet'. I continued to entertain my imagination by scanning the top of the cabinet until I came to 2 angel figurines. One was tallish, with dark hair whereas the other was shorter, with blonde hair. By the way, my mum's older sister always had dark hair and my mum has always had blonde hair. What came to mind was 'Look at the words written on the heart the older sister is holding'. I read the words which stated 'We never lose the ones we love. They are always standing beside us'. I could have a closed mind but I choose not to because an open mind invites such beautiful things at times.

Mind you, having an open mind requires caution. I do not let people in who have a tendency to mess with my mind, bring me down. I learned this lesson after having spent years in depression. Now that I'm out (of depression), I manage ways to not go back in.

I like to believe your dad is with you still. Perhaps he is also in the ears and minds of his friends, 'You need to phone my son' and they do. If you were to ask them 'What led you to phone me?', some may say 'I don't know, suddenly you just came to mind and I felt I simply had to phone you'. Some folk are sensitive enough to feel a call to action, others not so much.

My heart goes out to you with every trigger you face on your path. It is my wish that you feel your dad standing beside you with every step you take.

With the letter for you mum, you have an open mind yet your brother's mind may or may not be closed. Do what you feel you need to without being attached to the outcome.

🙂

[pl515p1]

What more can I do?
From when I found dad, to when help arrived, everything seemed to go so fast yet stand still.

Once the police and ambulance arrived I fell apart, from then on, I never got to see dad again.

They took me to hospital in shock, when I returned home, they had taken dad away.

All the time waiting to try to contact mum while he was at the...I could not, I did not.
They wanted her to decide, there was no autopsy, no cause, no.

The lid was closed when we finally met once more.
I never got to see him again, the last I saw was him there on his bed, so still, so still...

I don't know what to do anymore.
I am having constant nightmares about dad, some about mum, and even my sisters.
They are tearing at my soul.

One nightmare was especially cruel in that there was a disaster and many people died, but my dad survived, I was frantically searching the remnants of buildings trying to find him, I found the bodies of others of my family all gone, but then dad called out to me, and he was alive, I ran over to him, then I woke up to reality.

I don't know what to do now, I can't go back to see him, I will never know why he, I will never know what he wanted to talk to me about on Father's day when I had to leave for a brief time.

I just want to see him again, hug him, say I am sorry for any hassle I caused him, I love him so much, I miss him so much...

I hold so much guilt, maybe all of the stress I caused him contributed, how can a man at 69 be so strong, then go so swiftly?

And me not being there for mum...I don't know.

I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to see what I have seen.

What can I do to stop it? They make me lose all over again them each and every night, over and over...maybe this is punishment for taking them for granted for so long, I always thought there would be more time, I just want to thank dad for all he gave, I just want to make him proud, he told me he was, he talked about me constantly to his friends, I know he did not blame me for making mistakes in my life and having to rely on him so much to bring my life back to normality, I know he

How can I rebuild one more time, without the man who gave me so much support?, I don't know if I can dad, I try so hard, I try to follow what we set, I miss you so much.

SO tired...the battle goes on relentless, never ends.

[Sophie_M]

Hi pl515p1,

We're sorry to hear your struggle dealing with the loss of your dad. For most people parents are our heroes and it can be super hard to go on without missing them like crazy. The nightmares sound very painful and can only imagine what that is bringing up for you. 

As you are still going through your grief process we'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

We hope that talking to someone can slowly alleviate some pain for you. Grief has its own timeframe and we can never know when it will be completely over. 
 

[white knight]

I'm so sorry you are doing it tough. I really understand.

Can I suggest you write a lot about your dad. It can remain personal and confidential or you can share it with others that do understand and dont mind sitting with you to chat about it or on this forum.

I write poetry. Some is very sad like this poem I wrote the last time I saw my dad. I got to the hospital too late.

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo
to express my love but to question who?
to touch the pale face of my dad back then
when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"
jealous of my sister and that is that
that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen
nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land
wouldnt touch me even by hand
he knew he loved me and I him
with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along
where watery eyes was met by song
and there he lie with an eerie smile
I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch
I raised my head automatically as such
to kiss his temple of which I dare
I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed
they gathered together in just one kiss
finally as his spirit rose and went
he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed
that tradition of males their love expressed
a kiss on his forehead way back then
ended an era when "men were men"....

So, that might bring a tear to anyone that reads it. But it it a legacy to my dad. Some people plant a rose in their memory or look up at stars and choose one for him. Whatever you do it is your own personal way of honouring him.

As you grow older it does get easier. You will then want to live your life in his honour by doing what he would have done in certain situations. In my case my dad used to help other families in our town in any way he could like donations, help with firewood etc. So here I am on beyondblue. I know he'd be proud of me for sure.

I hope you are ok and ...it does get easier. Do you want to write?

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

I wish I was there with you, sitting beside you, as you continue to live with the torture of your parents passing, especially your dad.

To sit there and imagine a difference together, even if it's just enough of a difference to give you a bit of a break, what I would give to have you laugh just for a few seconds, so as to escape the pain for that time. To put on some music and waltz you around the lounge room with a bit of a smile on your face or to take you to some far off place and encourage you to scream your lungs out are a couple more things I imagine. I imagine saying to you 'Let's jump in the car and go see your uncle, only if you wish' and if you wished, there we'd be. I imagine so much for you as you find the only thing that fills your mind to be painful.

What I easily imagine, most of all, is how proud your dad was of you, given how far you'd come. I imagine he was proud of himself too, how far he'd brought you. Speaking as a mum, the greatest reward in life is the growth of your child or children. For me, there's nothing greater. When it comes to how much a child loves their parent, I have no doubt about my 2 kids. Rarely do we say to each other 'I love you', for the love we share is one that's felt, beyond words. I bet your dad knew this love, where you do not need to hear from your child 'I love you' when you raise them to a smile. You do not need to hear it when you raise them through some life changing revelation; you feel their love through this moment of connection. There are so many ways your dad would have felt loved by you, I have no doubt (especially given that you describe him as someone who was a very conscious person).

Who do you imagine your dad would want you to make a connection with? Perhaps there's someone among his friends. Maybe there was a key friend in his life who shared wisdom with him, who raised him in some way. Can you imagine who this might be if such a friend exists? If such a person does exist, have they been trying to make a deeper connection with you, now that you think about it, but they feel you won't let them in?

I wish there was some obvious way you could escape your nightmares during sleep. It is so cruel that your escape from waking torture provides you with further torture. I can't help but wonder whether this recent nightmare holds meaning: If you could imagine what your father could now say to you, if given the chance, could it be 'No matter the disaster and despair, I am still here with you'.

[pl515p1]

Hello the rising, white knight, Sophie, and anyone else who gave kind words, I am sorry that I have not replied, after living in the home where I found dad for so many months, I am finally moving.

And this has brought up a lot of grief, looking through dad's things, and especially his room it uh, well I am not coping too well, combined with nightmares of a traumatic event I witnessed last year, the suicide of a stranger, moving without support as I can't have people around in lock down, all of these things are weighing me down.

Not being able to get back into the community hurts so much too, I really wanted to volunteer to focus my mind on something else, and perhaps build up a new social group, removed from my grief, I wanted to do this while I study, but everything is on hold, and it hurts so much.

I am also torn about trying to reach out to my brother and Aunt one final time, maybe tell them my new address, I don't know if they care, that hurts too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all of your words, it means a lot to me.

Take Care.

[Sophie_M]

Dear pl515p1

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 
 

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

What an intensely triggering time, moving out of where you lived with your Dad. In an average or basic situation it can be hard enough moving from one stage of life into the next. In an intensely challenging situation, given all your circumstances on top of mental well being challenges, this move is the stuff of absolute champions (exhausted champions included).

Nothing you've faced so far has been basic, far from it. The way you've managed to move through every complex and seriously deep challenge truly blows my mind. Not sure I would be able to conduct myself with such consciousness and grace. The magnitude of your challenges, as I say, is far from basic. To have a family member pass under predictable circumstances does not compare to a family member passing under shocking circumstances, who has been a life mentor and close companion. To organise a funeral with the help of others does not compare to making your way through this on your own. To deal with the changes in redirecting bills and managing other legal stuff, with the help of deeply compassionate and highly efficient people on the other end of the line, does not compare to facing people who make such a process unnecessarily difficult. To have family to lean on in such times does not compare to having family who make themselves unavailable. To find that your other parent has passed at such a time does not compare to still having them here. To witness a stranger's passing does not compare to witnessing their passing by their own hand. A government that refuses to make exemptions (under COVID) does not compare to a compassionate government that considers exceptional circumstances.

I cannot think of anyone who I could compare you to because...you are truly outstanding.

Do you feel the challenge, when it comes to your aunt and brother, is to not wait for them to respond? What I mean is...you can be waiting for someone else to change until you realise all you're doing in life is focusing on waiting for them. Waiting for someone to change can be time consuming and potentially depressing. What do you imagine it would look like to simply send your new address details and not wait around for them to respond? Seeing your uncle never made you wait, could you reconnect with him? I recognise this is yet another challenge yet with perhaps more productive results that aren't entirely clear right now. Perhaps he holds some key to you moving forward more easily. You deserve ease.

🙂