Loss of father from Cancer

[Rose511]

It’s been 2years since the passing of my dad from terminal cancer , my poor dad had to suffer in such a horrible devastating traumatic way. My dad finally got diagnosed after years of dealing with pain and sickness he was so stubborn and obviously scared to go to a doctor till it was way to late and they gave dad 6-18 months to live if the chemo works dad lasted 4 months and they were the most horrific months of all our lives to watch someone I idolised love cherish and was my all round everything fall and deteriorate to nothing was so terribly painful I haven’t grieved as you should I just keep putting it past can’t visit his grave which I haven’t for 2years now can’t talk about him can’t listen to his songs without falling apart and it’s not causing issues that I need to deal with his loss any help I would really appreciate especially the talking and listening to songs part I’ve know how to be able to get pass this issue I have it’s going to be hard enough on my wedding day that I have coming up and need to be able to handle it in some way it’s going to be very hard cause the part he dosent even know I got engaged to the love of my life we had a baby now the wedding I’ve never asked for help but iam now thankyou for reading

[Aaronsis]

Hi Rose511

Firstly my heartfelt sorrow for the loss of your father, I can hear how very very special he was to you and how much you love him. It is so very hard when we lose someone we love and even more so when we have had to go through such a traumatic experience as you have with his cancer and treatment.

Secondly, congratulations on your upcoming wedding, it is going to be a day filled with so many emotions for you and your new husband and child. In your heart your father will very much be with you on the day and you think of him. There are so many ways in which to grieve, there is no right or wrong way, so when you said "I haven't grieved as you should.." you actually are grieving, in the way that you need to. There is no time frame and there are no rules, your father will live in your heart and in your memories forever, there are no rules to say that you must visit his grave, you can do that when you are ready to, and you may never, it is up to you.

They say time heals, I am not sure that it does, just in time things become different, and you have a new way of living now that your father has passed. Hearing songs and smelling smells and all these sorts of thing evoke our memories and that is totally fine that you get upset, you love him very much and it will take time to be at peace with it, afford yourself the time to cry and the time to heal, without limits or expectations on yourself.

You will miss the presence of your father physically on your special day but as I said before, he will be with you in your heart on the day. There are lots of different ways that you can include your father on the day if that is something that you wish to do too, I am sure you have thought about it a fair bit. Once again, there is no right or wrong way, you do what you would like to on the day to bring you peace and so that you can enjoy your day with your partner and child.

Big hugs to you and I hope I have given you some comfort today, I would like to chat some more if you would like that too.

AS 🙂

[Summer Rose]

Hi Rose

Welcome to bb and thank you for trusting us with your story.

I lost my dad nearly 30 years ago when I was 18, so I can relate to your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the suffering your father, and by extension you, endured as the end drew closer.

You've listed a number of things you can't do to grieve. I get that. Everybody grieves differently and there is no right or wrong. But I'm wondering about what you think you can do to help ease the pain.

Can you try talking to your dad? Tell him about the wedding and your child and share your joy with him. I used to talk to my dad all the time following his death. You don't have to go to the cemetary, just somewhere comfortable and alone. It's ok to talk with the dead.

Can you write about your dad? Perhaps it would help you to express your feelings in a journal. I still have the journal I wrote after I lost my dad. I read it on his birthday every year. It's filled with old photos and stories that contain details about him and our life, which I am now so grateful to have. You might like to try also writing letters to your dad.

Can you talk about your dad? I married 9 years after my father's death and my husband and kids never met him but they all know him. Photos, stories, memories and love keep him close and in my daily life--even thirty years on.

I know it hurts, especially to think about the wedding. But your dad loved you and he would want you to live your best possible life. He will be there in spirit, in your heart. Honour him with your happiness.

Kind thoughts to you