Clinical depression and grief

[Asenna]

Hi there peeps.

Ive written on here a number of times so I thought I’d put down some of my thoughts and possibly someone can tell me what is what.

2014 rolled around. Wife and I had found a better place. Life was ok. I had some stressors in my life. A failing family business, a struggling marriage and worry about a diagnosis after a check up (year and half before that I was in correctly diagnosed with liver cancer at 40). Hence the worry. All was fine. 2 weeks after that I started to feel more anxious and started questioning certain ailments and feelings that I had. Could it be cancer? As I started to spiral into anxiety, depression kicked in too. Before you know I severely anxious and very depressed. I was so scared I always needed reassurance on a constant basis. That went on for almost a year. My psych told me it was trauma but If I look back on I now I didnt have flashbacks, I didn’t have nightmares and I didn’t think about it. I was just overly anxious desperate and depressed. I knew it would effect my marriage and surely enough my wife left almost exactly a year after my mental illness hit me.

For the next 3 years I begged, pleaded, got angry, gave her space, push it out of my mind, become obsessed, begged, pleaded. Yet I knew her coming back wouldn’t make me feel better whatsoever. My stupid psych said it will take time. It will get better. What he didn’t understand was my mood disorder. I felt horrible. Sure there were periods where I felt ok but it would always comeback. I wanted her so badly. In reality I needed her. I was sad that she was gone yet I couldn’t make myself better. It’s now been over 3 years since she left and over 4 years since my anxiety and depression hit. I know it’s not gone as I still fight it everyday yet and I’ve thankfully changed psychiatrists.

These are what are going through my head;

rumination, deep sadness, anxiety, loneliness, useless, no self esteem, unlovable, feel like a failure, no enthusiasm for life, deep despair about my past with my relationship, no hope, feelings of a lost life, guilt, longing for the past (not her but our relationship, fear of the future, scared, memories of the relationship, not good enough, grief, deep loss, hopelessness.

i can’t keep living like this and I feel like life is leaving me behind. I cannot see a future or a present and I’m sick and tired of it.

Are those attributes are apart of depression and grief?

fab

[Doolhof]

Hi fab,

Sometimes confronting what is bothering us the most can be painful, yet healing at the same time.

One psychologist I saw suggested I wrote letters to my children, in a way that helped. I wrote out heaps of thoughts, feelings, allowed the tears to flow and the grief to be felt. It was beneficial. I felt like I was able to remember with less pain and to work out who I am now and how to move forward.

If you are concerned of triggers, have a kind of safety plan in place. Think about ways you can help yourself and where you get support if you need it.

Not taking a sense of blame onboard is healthy. Yes, we all make mistakes and there are things we all could have done differently. We can't go back in time and change things. We need to work with what we have now.

Regarding my husband and I, looking back, I think we were two broken people before we met each other looking for someone to help us through after both experiencing a rough start to life! It was only years later I discovered he had Asperger's, so in itself that has made our relationship interesting!

My depression started at a really young age and has just hung around!

When I was working through some of my grief and loss issues, I found some helpful information on the internet.

Cheers again, from Dools

[Asenna]

Hi dools.

I’ve been thinking about looking at the photos and facing the loss. I spent a number of years trying to win her back and never really let all the grief in. The loneliness in life since she left has been the hardest part. Majority of the time I’ve struggled to engage in life again. I don’t think with logic. That isn’t my make up. I’m more reactive, sensitive and full of feelings. I’ve always been that way. My ex was completely full of logic. Very stoic. Hide her feelings and always trying to process her thoughts. I wasn’t that. I think she didn’t like that in me. I was very attached to her. I loved her. Maybe I needed her and she clued in on that. Maybe that put her off. I wasn’t very strong. I am more of an adventurous individual. Sensitive to criticism etc etc.

Ever since she left I’ve felt the emptiness of loneliness. The sadness, the misery of pain. The longing for what has been lost, never accepting that she just didn’t want me. I couldn’t reconcile that. So I beat myself up for being not enough for her. Life had absolutely no meaning. I was throw into these feelings of desperation and despair and the thought of losing her forever. Hence the desperation. I went into this from a place of deep depression and hopelessness when she left. I was already there before she left. Her leaving added much more pain and despair. I don’t feel life anymore like I once did. I don’t feel at ease and in the moment. I feel so alone in life and all that keeps me going are my children. When they go home to their mothers my home is empty and I just cry. I don’t want to go out and get life. When the sadness dissipates in the evening which it always does I feel like I want to be on my own. It makes it worse knowing she is happy and living the life I couldn’t give her.

[Doolhof]

Hi Fab,

Yesterday I happened to read something about "COMPARISON" and how it will destroy your peace of mind if you continue to compare yourself to others.

Comparing ourselves to others can make us feel inferior, inadequate, lower our self esteem and this part was interesting to me..keeps us focused on ourselves!

It makes us believe the "world" is with holding from us what is rightfully ours. That forms discontentment and depression.

It made me realise how much I do compare myself to others at times and how I wish what others had when it would be more beneficial to work with what I do have and make the most of that.

Not always easy to do when someone or something you loved has seemingly slipped through your fingers.

Comparing your life as it is right now to your wife's life is only causing you more pain and heart ache.

I don't know how you let go, but it is necessary.

I don't know how you move forward, but that too is necessary.

How often do you have your children with you if you don't mind me asking?

Besides the children are there other things in life that you find enjoyment and pleasure in?

That empty feeling is heart breaking at time isn't it? Can you think of ways you can fill at least a little part of your life with some kind of connection to other people?

Are you still seeing a psych at all or do you have regular contact with your Dr to help you through this?

What can you do today to make this day more acceptable to you?

Cheers from Dools

[Asenna]

Hi dools, I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend.

Well I have my kids 50% of the time. Half the week. I enjoy their company. My background to major depression/anxiety is a complex one. Before 97, life was ok. I was always out and enjoying life. Enjoyed my friends company and always very active. But I had a lot of stresses in my life and it brought me completely undone. What happened was effectively what you term as a nervous breakdown. It wasn’t a slowly decent into depression where I was sad, lonely and anxious. It came with a small bang. Big panic attack. Hospital etc etc. After that panic attack I noticed my mind turning inwards. I didmt feel right. Anxiety took its grip. I was waiting on my bloodworks and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. At a party I thought my friends were talking about me. Not too long after that I had a massive panic attack. It blew me away. My mind crumbled. I couldn’t think straight, I was convinced I had a brain tumour, something I was so looking forward to, which moving to my own place scared the hell out of me. Anxiety was ripping me apart. I couldn’t sit still. I needed to go for walks. I couldn’t work. It felt like my mind was being squashed in a vice. It was that painful. Then I would wake at 2am and not be able to get back to sleep. This is the best part!! By 5.30/6pm it would lift and I feel like it never happened and it made me feel like I’d turned a corner. Getting to sleep wasn’t a problem, it was getting to stay asleep and not waking. I decided with the insistence of my mum that I should go and see a psych. Christ I was even thinking that bad news on tv was about me. That bad!! I saw him and he said I had endogenous depression with generalised anxiety....I think. Mild though. Go figure. It took 4 weeks for the meds to work but it only pulled me out about 1/2 to 3/4. I never felt the same. I moved out but the connection I had with my friends didn’t feel the same. The connection I had with my fiancé for who was my best friend didn’t exist anymore. I liked to stay home more than not other than work. I became quite cynical. I couldn’t see a future nor be excited by anything anymore. I’ve really never been the same since. 2014 saw it come back once more even though I was on medication since 97. They seemed to not have the same effect as they once had. I lost my wife and family. It wasn’t trauma. It wasn’t ptsd. I let my psych take me on a ride to nowhere. I should of changed. Hindsight is a bitch

[Asenna]

What I have now dools is anyone’s guess. I’m not sure myself. I just live Day to day. I don’t look ahead and if I do I freak out a bit. I lack motivation at the best of times. I don’t feel loveable. I feel I’ve lost myself once more and I don’t have many hobbies that I once loved 21yrs ago. I struggle on days to ride my bike. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I can’t be arsed seeing friends and when the pain goes away at 6pm everyday I just want to relax at home. This is me.

[Doolhof]

Hi Asenna,

I think I sort of understand what you are experiencing. I'm presently feeling quite "stuck" and times and don't know how to move forward. It is becoming too easy to want to do nothing at all and seems complicated and impossible at times to move on.

Recently I started seeing a different psychologist, through the pain management clinic I attended. He seems to think he can help me so I will see what happens.

I don't want to be in this state so I am trying to do something about it.

Each day I try to push myself to do something my mind is telling me is too difficult to achieve.

This morning I tried to make contact with friends to invite myself to their place for a coffee. They didn't answer their phones. I then decided to go to the local bakery for coffee and gluten free cake. While sitting there I wanted to cry, so I bought a newspaper to read to distract my thoughts.

My morning didn't go to plan, at least I went out and made an attempt to do something other than stay home and watch T.V.

Learning to like ourselves more helps. It is not easy though! There is a thread here titled something like "Do you love (or like) yourself. If you are able to locate that, you will see there are lots of people who struggle with this.

Motivation and determination can be hard to find! Even a little effort is worth it to try and get out of the rut.

After lunch I am planning to do a little gardening. I will feel pleased with myself for having done this.

Hope you can find little things that give you a sense of achievement!

Cheers from Dools

[Asenna]

Morning dool, I hope you are enjoying the sunny mild weather.

So where do I start? Well I’ve seen my psychiatrist once more and he said Ive got severe clinical depression. Trying to find a new combination of medication to sort out the imbalance is going to be a long drawn out process. Yet the one thing that gets me about clinical depression is the thoughts and feelings. I was wondering if you or anyone could help me here. Now I understand the lack of appetite, the disturbed sleep, lack of motivation, the general anxiety, deep moods, despair and hopelessness of it all. But what I don’t understand is the thoughts of my ex wife being with a new partner, that she’s moved on and happy and I’m still miserable over 3 years on. The memories that should be happy times are filled with intense sadness as though I’m there trapped in that memory like I can almost touch it. That despair at the loss of myself and my marriage. It’s all negative negative and heart wrenching. I know that their is the grief element to it. I’m not lost not that. But the torturous thoughts of her being happy and all the time that has past feels sooooo intensely painful. I feel like a failure and that there is no hope left. That the world is passing me by and I cannot engage it nor be a part of it. I don’t know if thats what major depression does to your thoughts and as stupid as this may sound Im hoping it does. Life is just unattainable these days. I don’t want to have these awful thoughts of her being happy with a new guy when she left me because of my depression. The one thing I do know for certain is that by the slimmest of chances she came back, it wouldn’t change my depression one bit. I’d still be depressed