When everything else has failed

[BlissfulPilgrim]

I have suffered from depression and anxiety as long as I can remember (about 30yrs). Like most people, I have been willing to try anything to make the pain stop. I have given up asking the doctors for help, and given up on trying any more medications. I have tried exercise, mindfulness, affirmations and every other suggestion under the sun (including drugs and alcohol). Nothing I have tried has made this life meaningful.

One of the most common suggestions I hear is to talk about my feelings. There is 2 reasons why this is nearly impossible for me. The first is I have no-one to talk to, no one willing to listen. The second is, from my past experience, talking about things only makes the situation worse. When I see/hear people talking about their feelings and asking for help, I notice that others often respond with sympathy, empathy, or even pity. And the same old same old - tomorrow will be better, find someone to talk to, exercise, meditate blah blah blah.

Maybe this approach is helping some people, but to me having complete strangers trying to reassure me is again, meaningless. Having people say nice things and "caring" (for the few minutes that I have their attention) does not in any way make my life easier or more bearable. When I go to bed and get up again the next day- these people aren't there to help me get through the day. They are only listening because it makes themselves feel good.

Am I so messed up that I am just a cold heartless bitch? Or is there something else that I haven't tried yet? Please don't suggest that i try to "write these feelings down". Again - that is just another way to make it easier for you to deal with my depression. If people actually cared, wouldn't they be here helping me? If no one cares enough about me to call me or visit or contribute to my wellbeing, why would I want to share my innermost feelings? Just so I can have the pleasure of hearing you say something "nice"? If I am asking for help, I dont want nice words. Nice words are just a waste of time - yours and mine

[White_Rose]

Dear BlissfulPilgrim

Welcome to beyond blue. Sounds like you are the 'I've been everywhere man'. That is really sad when you have not found any help. Talking does help some people but it also depends on your therapist how well this goes. Have tried with a psychiatrist? This is not one more thing to try, especially if you have gone down this road before. I am interested in the sort of help you have been offered.

However that's a small part. I discovered I needed something to believe in, some purpose in my life. Without it all the reassurances and care simply slid off. There is initially some good in people being prepared to listen but they get fed up as much as you. Others generally do not have the answers for you, though I would have expected a good psychologist or psychiatrist to have been helpful.

However it has not worked so no good going over the same old same old. Back to something to believe in. There are so many areas but it depends on what floats your boat. I will tell you what works for me. It may have no relevance to you other than to prompt you to investigate something else.

I go to church because my faith tells me it's good to be with others of the same belief. Please do not be alarmed, I am not going to preach or suggest you find the nearest church to join. This is my belief.

Because of that I am comfortable operating in a spiritual setting. I meditate on my own and weekly with a group of people. That brings me into contact with those who have similar beliefs. We hold a monthly discussion morning where the host chooses the topic, not necessarily spiritual.

For several years I have been a member of a writing group. We have written a journal article on experiences in a public psychiatric hospital. These experiences are ours and are detailed through the characters. It has been accepted for publication. We are also writing a story based on the same characters and others who also represent our experiences. The story follows the initial character to hospital and then after discharge.

The writing group members support each other when needed but we are not there for a group chat other than the progress of the story.

I am a volunteer pastoral care person. I also write a great deal on beyondblue.

These activities are part of me. Spiritual and psychological activities may make strange bedfellows but they are what gives purpose to my life. It matters not if you know anyone in a field you would like to try. Friendship will come later.

Mary

[BlissfulPilgrim]

Mary, thanks for taking the time to reply.

I am also a very spiritual person and have spent time studying world religions. Knowing the way we are all connected is one of the reasons why I feel so hopeless/helpless when we live in a society where basically its every man for himself. Although my beliefs may be more pagan I am not against Christians. I have tried christian and bahai church and found my beliefs aren't consistent with what they want to achieve (which is mostly converting me to their religion). I have tried connecting to local pagan groups. I have tried volunteering a number of times and been turned down. I have tried therapy and psychiatrists with no success. I am trying to write a book as a way to make income without leaving home. I spend time gardening and walking the dog. I often remind myself of the prayer of st francis - seek not to be consoled but to console. Still, after 20 years of trying to be nicer to people than they are to me, I don't see the rewards in my own life. In my current position, if my relationship ends I will be homeless again. No amount of being nice and helping other people will make it easier for me to pay the mortgage. No amount of meditating will make it easier to pay the vet bill so that I can keep my pet to help me on the bad days. No amount of mood diaries will convince the GP to take me seriously and spend more than 5 minutes talking to me before making a diagnosis.

If I am depressed not because of chemical imbalance but because of difficult circumstances and situations, what can I actually DO, rather than talking about it, to make my life less stressful?

[White_Rose]

Hello BP

Is it OK to shorten your name? I think I have been a bit misleading in my suggestion to you on managing your own mental health. I wrote about what works for me, and I add that I still have my down times but these are getting fewer. Talking of spirituality can sometimes be off putting to others so I want to emphasise this is my personal journey and my way of getting the most joy out of life that I can. I most certainly am not suggesting this will work for anyone other than me.

I believe we all need a purpose in life, after all why are we here. I do not see my various activities as separate from each other. They are all part of the whole that sustains me. To give another example you may be passionate about the environment and want to be part of that movement. If that was the case you would find a whole raft of activities within that whole. Does this make sense.

Another very different area may be in your enjoyment of crafts. Join a craft group that does the same things that you like. I was at my local framing shop picking up a newly piece of my work when I noticed they offered classes in learning new ways to enhance cross stitch by learning other, complementary stitches. It certainly interested me.

Like Unbeliever I am certain we all have a way back but it needs to fit into the way it best helps you. Having said that I also believe taking on one activity can lead to a more in-depth desire to learn more.

I see you are thinking about writing a book. Well that will certainly keep you busy and help move your thoughts from hopelessness to content. You also mentioned gardening. I do a bit of gardening when it's not summer. Far too hot in Qld. I have a gardener who does the very hard bits.

So what floats your boat? What do you care about and would like to be more engaged in.

I agree that simply talking about feelings seems pointless and I have said this to several therapists. If I am going to talk about the things that have hurt me in the past I want a way of dealing with them. Therapy for me is learning why. Doesn't change the past but it does make it easier to bear.

Mary

[BlissfulPilgrim]

I feel like everyone is listening but noone is hearing what I am saying. I have been engaged in activities I enjoy or think are important. Just a coincidence that spirituality and the environment is important to you too. However, as rewarding as these activities may be, they do not make my life easier.