dear Rick, I know this feeling and it seems to always control us in depression, it never seems to end, nothing stimulates us because at this stage this black beast has total control over us, we always wonder why it won't end, because I have been a good citizen in life, and now I feel so hopeless.
Those walls are just what we relate to, that is they are imaginable walls which mean nothing, they don't talk back to us, it's just that they are blank, but these walls make us more depressed, because we think a million miles an hour, and not being able to correlate any of these thoughts.
We always seem to justify in our head that the kids will be OK, they will be happier, safer, we think this to justify us from leaving or going away, boy this happened to me as well, but my eldest son and ex said to me that you only want to away so that I could drink alcohol, and I knew they were right, that's exactly what I wanted to do, to be alone to drink as soon as I woke up, but at that stage my epilepsy was not under control, so the alcohol could have easily caused me to have fits, so I didn't go away, so I was back to square one, depressed at home pretending to be OK, but hell I wasn't, I hated the world, and at that stage hated it even more.
I have now been able to overcome that dreaded depression, but I know that this travel from the black dog to where I am now is not easy, and that's why I reply to people suffering so badly, I have been down your road several times and I totally appreciate your thoughts. Take care and please reply if you want to. Geoff.
