unsure on depression or anxiety

[jules781]

Hi everyone long time reader, first time poster. As my title suggest I am unsure on my issues. I will tell you a little about my self. I am 29 years old, overall I have a good life, I have a good job with potential, good family, small group of friends, and a few close friends. 2 years ago my girlfriend of 4 years left me, it upset me, I have since gotten over it and moved on. It was mainly my doing causing her to leave because of my issues. I have a lot of uncertainty, very stagnant and lack motivation in a lot of things I do. Lately it has been getting worse, I always feel down, lonely and want to run away. I went and worked interstate for 6 months thinking it will help, and I ended up hating it and came back home, now that I am home I miss it and want to go back. I am always looking for something, I feel lost, no confidence and even in my job I have lost drive. I enrolled in a course a while ago and I was confident, once it came to assessment I crumbled under pressure and just froze and failed, even the teacher was surprised with the result. I went for a re test, and same thing once assessment happened, I froze and stuffed up. I feel like I am struggling with learning, understanding and feel like I don't know why I am here for. Don't worry I am not having any self harm thoughts, but I simply just sit in my room during the week after work with no motivation, once the weekend comes I do some fishing which relaxes me or I might go away and escape everything, but once I go back to reality I feel trapped and want to run away but I cant as I have commitments here like a job and mortgage. I look at everyone else and see how they are happy and even people with less than me (not that I'm saying I have a lot or I'm better than anyone) and yet I cant understand how I am not happy with my self. To put it simply, I feel like a big loser and it is effecting my day to day life with my concentration as I simply just don't care anymore. I am very disappointed that I failed my assessment as it would of been good for a career change. I am going for a 3rd test in a few weeks and I am nervous and sick of spending countless money if I am going to fail. It hurts the most when I see people less capable that pass and I know I am good at what I do, just lately lack the drive and confidence. It is the complete opposite of what I used to be. I was confident, up lifting, helped everyone and wasn't scared to give anything a crack. Thanks for reading my big essay :).

[Jackson85]

Hi Jules, thanks for posting, I enjoyed your essay 🙂

Sometimes when we feel upset, or bad about how our life is, we can invalidate that feeling by thinking of all the people who have less than us. We think that because we have the basics, a nice friendship group, nice family, a good job and enough money, we should just be happy, because lots of people don't have those things. But this constant comparison to others, and the idea that we should feel a certain way inside because of what's happening on the outside just doesn't seem to line up. If my fish dies, am I not allowed to be sad because at least it wasn't my brother, and someone else in the world lost their brother today? If we look at how materialism fails to bring us happiness, we should at least allow ourselves the liberty to be unhappy despite material contentment!

I found that around 29 I started looking for more out of life; figuring out who I really am, which of the endlessly conflicting theories of the universe I'm going to align myself with, but most critically, how I can still get upset by the tiny little spikes of life missing a light because someone cut me off. Why do I feel so guilty about failing uni subjects nearly 15 years ago? Was I not smart enough?Was there something I should have known but didn't? Is it really my fault?

That last question is the one that's lead to the most productive answers for me. I'm just doing my best now, as I did then when I failed those subjects (and there were many!), so how can I expect more of myself than what I was? I feel like I'm who I am now, so I don't expect anything other than that, and whatever comes as a result isn't my fault, because I can't be more or less than whatever I am. Something that I can control, though, is how I view myself, and I've decided to go easier, and understand that I'm not perfect, but more importantly, that no one is, and all the happiness we see from the outside, is just what they're showing us. We all have our stuff to deal with, and it's not a race, we are all just trying to get there ourselves while simultaneously trying to convince others we are just happy to be alive.

Hang in there, and feel free to chat more here if you're up to it.

Jackson85

[jules781]

Thanks for the reply. You have some valid points which I am already aware of. Problem is I feel like giving up on everything and just exist in the background. I am sitting my re test in a few weeks, I got to snap out of it and not freeze and go into a mental blank. I am really lacking confidence at the moment, always feel disappointed at my self. Even something so simple with waking up in the morning to train, I have lost all motivation and always feel like I cant be stuffed doing anything anymore. How can I snap out of it and get my drive back. If I ever figure it out I will help others as what I am feeling isn't a nice feeling and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi jules781,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I'm sorry that you're having this tough time; I'm kind of getting this sense that even though you're doing things (studying, working interstate), it's almost like you're stuck in the mud with how you're feeling.

Can I ask you a weird question? If you were to cue an inner Disney movie, and wake up and tomorrow everything would be better, what would that look like for you? Would you be working/studying? Would you still be living in the same place?

It's a weird question because often initially it's like 'well life isn't a Disney movie'! But if we think about it some more it can encourage us to think outside the square. Maybe the thing that you're trying to study for isn't what lights you up, or so far you're not excited about where the study could lead to. I'm not sure - but imagining a future where things are 'really good' can help us find one little step towards that.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi jules781,

P.S.

I just realised I forgot to answer your question in the title -

A lot of what you've talked about - no motivation, feeling down, feeling lonely, no confidence, feeling like a loser, not caring - these sorts of things align more up with depression over anxiety. To me personally, I don't see a lot of signs of anxiety just from reading your post.

You can read about the signs and symptoms here -

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms   

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/signs-and-symptoms  

Hopefully this helps. Your GP is the best bet if you're looking for a diagnosis.

[jules781]

Yeah I thought it was more depression than anxiety. Problem is I feel so lost I don't even know what I want to do anymore, where I want to go. I am always looking at running away but I know deep down it is not the answer. Unfortunately I know there is not a quick fix, but I wish there was. I don't think a gp would be able to help me as I don't want to go on anti depressants. I don't understand how I have falling so deep in the hole, but like I said I am starting to struggle in day to day things including my job, its like I am sub concisely self sabotaging my self, reason why I don't know.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi jules781,

I hope you don't mind me asking - but have you ever considered going to therapy?

You're right - it's not a quick fix (I seriously wish there was), but it might be helpful and something worth thinking about.

[jules781]

Yes and no. One thing is a time factor as juggling time between work as I work full time, also financially. Plus I wouldn't know where to start in the right people to speak too. One thing is thou when I am on holidays and I simply forget about everything I feel so happy. I don't have the stress of money, work and simply life is a lot better. Last week I was away fishing on the NSW south coast and I can honestly say I did not have one feeling of depression, I was really happy, confident and it was like I never had a issue.

[Jackson85]

Hi Jules,

It does sound like talking to a psychologist could help, I've always found it really comforting and productive. One good place to start would be your GP, (or any GP if you don't have one). If you make an appointment to discuss this stuff with them, they'll help you set up a mental health care plan, and you'll likely be referred to a psychologist. You will get a number, maybe 6 or 10, sessions with the psychologist with medicare rebates, so it can be quite reasonable. I won't comment on rates for you, but the rebates do help a lot.

Good luck, and feel free to chat more,

Jackson85

[jules781]

appreciate the thought, I might look into it in a few weeks I just really want to try and get through this my self. I know its been a massive control on my life, but I know deep down I know I can beat it, as I have helped people in the past with similar issues yet I didn't know I had issues my self. I really just have to get the confidence and finish this course so I can start looking for a job outside again.