Triggered by posting on BB

[Just Sara]

Today I posted a few times; the last time I wrote some really interesting stuff about power and control. As my day has progressed, I've had increasing low feelings and a heavy chest.

I figure power is an item of contention, especially with re to my ex who I wrote about. This is difficult...I'm trying to ride it out, these feelings are known to me oh so well. It's now moving into my shoulders and up into my throat. I feel depressed, but my body says anxiety. Tears are building; trying to see the screen. Waiting for words to come...I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. (many tears)

I miss physical touch.

I feel raw...exposed...vulnerable

I ventured out of my protective bubble and am paying the price. I talked with him...setting myself up. His false charm got me again. Why do I punish myself like that. Memories of his hugs?

Self destructive behaviour...OMG I'm so angry with myself. I hate feeling needy. He's not worth this...I deserve to feel better about myself.

Learning to protect myself...not from him...from me. My bubble is my space and who I let in or venture out to meet has to be learned. I need to be more self aware. (Taking a breath)

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

You are very welcome to the support and ideas. Many people on this forum have helped and supported me over time. When I am experiencing down days, I know where I can go for a bit of TLC.

My dear husband does care, he just doesn't know what to say. When I tell him I am having a very lousy time, he will say "That is no good dear" and walks into his office. Ha. Ha.

You mentioned you like to write, I used to enjoy writing when I was younger as well. I used to make up stories and write books. My sister kept a couple of them. One was called Adam Ant, long before the singer of the same name.

It is through my own experiences I am able to help others. I'm very thankful that I have learnt to generally be at peace with life, it is not always easy to do so though!

I've learnt there are so many things I can not change, I just need to accept I can't change or fix them.

Rest, relaxation, restoration and recovery are all so important on this journey called life.

Even if you don't feel like contributing to the Three things to be grateful for post, it is always interesting to read what others have written there.

All the best with finding balance.

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Thanks Mrs D;

Always good to read your wisdom and experience. Charging on today with a long standing chore. It triggers me to the core, but I continue to challenge my negative beliefs.

I avoided it all day yesterday and instead did something enjoyable even though it was hard work. I stood back and looked at what I'd done with pride. It was a good day.

Cheers...Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

Congratulations to you for finding something enjoyable to do even though it was hard work as you wrote. When I achieve something like that, I am thankful I made the effort.

Hopefully you managed to achieve the chore that has been challenging you. I was with a client yesterday who was concerned about having to phone a neighbour about a tree that is causing problems. I had a chat with my client for a while and she then decided to phone the neighbour.

The problem hasn't been sorted, but at least they were talking about the issue.

When I am able to tackle situations that I find confronting, I feel so much better within myself once I have made an attempt to deal with it.

As a child my Mum suffered from depression and other mental health issues. I have seen over the years how bitter and twisted she has become with some issues, I decided I did not want to be like that. I didn't want to miss out on the good things of life because I was too busy being miserable.

I do realise depression and other mental health issues can be overwhelming. I've been hospitalised three times due to depression and breakdowns. So I know it is not easy. When I can, I like to make the most of each day.

Cheers once more from Mrs. D

[Just Sara]

You know Mrs D;

We all have such 'big' anecdotes. A book couldn't do us justice as nobody would believe it. Another thing I've found, (there's that 'thing' word again he he) is that there are so many 'mother' stories. Jeez, they say not to compare our lives, but my goodness, they break my heart sometimes remembering we were all just children then.

And wow! trusting yourself to assist with neighbour issues? You sound as if you did really well...kudos. I couldn't have done it.

The challenging chore has been attempted and half done. (Kitchen) That was due to a sexual assault counsellor I spoke to this morning in desperation. A little pearl of wisdom. Speaking of mothers...it seems I've replaced the nurturing I missed with food. It's been my best friend and toxic parent since I can remember. I'm determined to change things though and give myself permission to 'feel'; cry without guilt, fall apart or scream if I want to.

I realised today my mum cooks me sweet treats instead of kind or appropriate words of encouragement. It's not her fault, I always thought she didn't love me, but it was that she didn't know how to reciprocate my attempts at loving her. Food was always there in one way or another. So now I've decided to try other forms of self nurturing, the kitchen has become a place of dark feelings, loss and grief. Cleaning it seems to be associated with my limbo; will I or won't I?

Anyway, thankyou for keeping tabs on me. It's nice to know people care Mrs D. I'm sorry if I don't show the same kind of empathy, but I'm being challenged to my core lately.

Stay well...Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

Sorry to read you are being challenged so deeply. I do know what that is like, it can be a hard and difficult road to travel. Hope you find ways to work through your issues and deal with them.

Don't worry at all about the sharing of empathy right now, one day when you are feeling stronger, there may be a needy person in your life somewhere whom you can help and empower.

There are some days when I don't connect with the forum as I don't feel like I have anything to give and that is okay. I sometimes write my own threads too when I am not doing so well.

The good thing about this forum is that there are so many people who are willing to assist and contact people who are doing it tough or just asking for some advice and ideas.

My Mum used to cook a lot of biscuits and cakes for us and made our clothes. It was as thought she was unable to show love through affection, but found it easier to do so by providing for us.

I too find myself eating for comfort and my new antidepressant medication has helped me put on 10 kilos in about two months. I am not very impressed by the weight gain! I also realise I am rather difficult to live with when I am not on medication, so being a bit chubbier is it for now.

Finding the motivation to exercise and eat fruit does now always happen for me.

Regarding your kitchen, can you make it a more inviting place to be? Are there parts of the kitchen you could change to help it feel more brighter and welcoming? Maybe even a pot plant could enhance the feeling, some air fresheners to change the smell, flowers, a colourful picture on the wall?

Some positive affirmations on the fridge or stuck to the cupboard doors might help.

Not sure if I am on the right track here or not, let me know.

I've had some more time in the garden this afternoon, so I enjoyed that. I finally managed to plant out some cuttings I have had in pots for months. I hope they grow now!

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

Mrs. Dools has said something a few comments back 'I beat myself up and expect too much from myself', that's so true because not every post I reply to is going to benefit that particular person, or they maybe so complexed by what has been said, or don't understand what I am trying to say, and that's something that I have been told over all my years, because I tend to think well in front of what I am typing, so what comes out doesn't seem to make sense.
The greatest fear is that when someone is really struggling and all I want to do is help them, to be there for them and encourage them to reply, but when they don't then this makes me worry, but hopefully their post will appear once more either by them or someone else replying to their post.
There's not much I can do but to move onto another comment because there are always has new people coming to the site plus it's always inundated with people wanting help.
I can fortunately turn away when I finish replying because that's what my psychologist had taught me to do, so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for sharing your message. I agree with you in the fact that we try our best to write what we hope is helpful and supportive. You write some amazing posts Geoff, I have gained wisdom for the words you have shared.

I'm thankful you are managing to learn to let go once you turn off the computer. You have a huge heart Geoff, it is very easy to take everyone's hurts and pains to heart and want to be able to find a way to fix them or help them.

Keep on answering posts in your own fashion Geoff! The thing with this forum is that we are all individuals, we all express ourselves in our own way, we all help to add to this amazing community here on the forums.

If people don't reply, it could be for a hundred different reasons. It may even be they have computer problems, life has become too busy or they just don't feel like replying right now.

All the best to you Geoff and to everyone reading this. We are all individuals who matter and who a right to be heard and acknowledged.

Cheers to you all, love from Mrs. Dools