The battle is real

[Striker-9]

Hi. It took me about 15 minutes just to figure out what to write and where to start. To anybody looking from the outside into my life they would say it’s a great life. I have a beautiful healthy baby boy and an amazing wife. But the last 12 months have been an exhaustive and character changing mental battle. I have found myself slip deeper into negativity and just tired of the daily routine. Things that I used to love to do just don’t bring me that satisfaction anymore. I carry a weight of sadness and frustration constantly. I love my wife and son with all my heart but I am constantly carrying a guilt that because of the way I feel and how it affects me that I’m not being the husband or father I should be. I do have a highly stressful and demanding job but at this point in my life it’s what I need to do to get me and my family ahead in life financially. I moved interstate a few years ago and left my life behind (friends, family) and as much as that move was what I needed at that time in my life and I was able to get married and start a family in my new home, I have struggled to make it my home. I grew up in a broken family, parents separated when I was an early teen and i never realised until now just how much of an affect those years had on my life. When I reflect on things I actually can never pin point a time my father said he was proud of me or loved me. In fact growing up I was always compared to family friends kids and highlighted that I was not where they were at in my life. I specifically remember a time when at age 13 my dad stopped coming to my soccer games because he would say that I wasn’t good enough. So self worth and confidence has always been a struggle for me. In my early adult life it wasn’t a problem because I would mask it with drugs, alcohol a fake macho persona and “having a good time”. But now that I am a father and a husband I am really starting to feel those wounds. I’m tired of this daily struggle and daily mental battle.

[uncut_gems]

Striker-9,

I want to start by first welcoming you to the forums, and thanking you for sharing this– it can't have been easy, and despite you saying it took you a while to figure out what to write, you come across as articulate, eloquent, and reflective. Could have fooled me!

Reading this from an outsider perspective, I think you are a total hero. Seriously. Here you are, having looked at the way you were treated as a kid and said "no, I'm not going to repeat this pattern in my own life." You've gotten clean and sober, have a job that you know will help secure you and your family's future, sacrificed being around your family and friends, and are thinking about how to be the best father for your son. It may not be obvious to you, but I think this is really a truly heroic effort on your part.

This is an excellent example of how one can successfully work not to repeat the patterns they experienced as a kid, and is a testament to the kind of man you are. As men, I think it can be especially hard sometimes for us to come to grips with these things.

That said, it's no wonder this is giving you trouble. Having a child and starting a home of our own is one of the biggest changes in all of life, and often this can come with a reexamination of our own childhoods and give us a new perspective on some wounds we may be carrying. I think one of the best possible things you could do for your son is to take care of yourself and do your best to address these wounds, to set an example for him about what it means to be a healthy and good man.

It sounds like you could use some help with all this. Would you ever consider seeing a GP or a counsellor for a bit of support? Either way, you've come to the right place and we are always happy to hear what's on your mind. Looking forward to seeing you around the forums.

Warmly,

Gems

[Gambit87]

welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out.

As gems said - you're a hero, your not repeating your childhood, making sacrifices to provide for your wife and kid! It takes real strength to do what your doing.

Having said that - you cant pour from an empty glass, you and your wellbeing are important too! Are you able to talk to your friends/family? Maybe seeing a psychologist? Just talking with someone can release a big weight off your shoulders.

If you're on facebook - I highly recommend checking out haka for life's facebook page and watch the 25 pushups for 25 days videos and check out the build a brotherhood facebook page. Both pages focus on mental health - particularly mens mental health (its actually mens mental health awareness week!).

you're not alone mate.

[Mantec]

Hey man, I can't relate with the specifics much at all, but I understand what it feels like to not exactly have the best foundations laid. I find when I get melancholic/ demotivated or frustrated, as well as the basics that really do help (diet, exercise - I've found particularly intense/ strenuous exercises the best, meditation, outside), it can help to read philosophy. Recently I've been reading "The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius": he was rather privileged, but a great man from 2nd century Rome (died emperor during a pandemic), and he can be exceptionally enlightening emotionally; reading him reminds me what purpose me emotions serve, in some sense, which can be very helpful in making sense of things and deciding what to do rationally. He's almost a father figure to me at this point.

Good luck but, things are particularly exacerbated from the pandemic, just reflect on what it is you think you should be doing: you always have a choice.