Should I keep texting a depressed person that takes ages to respond?

[maddie_faye]

I have posted on these forums before in the past.

so basically, a few months ago the love of my life (who is now my ex) became severely unwell with depression, to the point where even a teenage family member of mine  could pick up on how unwell he was by just being around him. I myself suffer from mental illness (anxiety and PTSD) and seeing him literally have the life sucked out of him was really affecting me too and after months of not seeing each other he realised that as much as we loved each other being together at this point in time isn’t the best choice so we broke it off. 
and we did communicate for a little while afterward by saying how much we loved each other and that when things are better for us both then  we can try and  give it another shot, but the problem is that it was giving me false hope at that time and even he was able to pick up on that through communicating with me. The last thing we had said to each other around that time was that maybe we’ll get back together in the future once we’ve healed and how we’re both open to that idea. And then a month passed with nothing from him, so I sent another text message asking how he was going and he said “Same as usual I guess. What about you? X”, I replied and haven’t heard anything since and that was about a month ago.

im so tempted to text him again but as others, including my psychologist have pointed out that he still really loves me but isnt ready to communicate with me and that I should be more understanding because of how unwell is really was/is. I understand that I really need to respect his boundaries, and that things like this take time and that as he said he’ll let me know when he’s ready.

Should I be mindful and respectful of his boundaries with understanding how unwell he is , (and as my Mum said that if it were me in his position I’d want him to do the same) OR should I message him as I really really want to? 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome

thank for sharing your story. It sounds like you are stuck in a hard place at the moment -

there is a person you care deeply for and there is no communication happening at the moment. And perhaps don't know how things are going for him and where you stand at the moment? Or where things are going?

The sucky part is that we cannot make other another person do what we want - whether to reply to a text message or not etc. What does a it mean or what are you thinking in there being no message from him as yet?

I mean, you could send a message and how would it feel not to get a reply? Would it feel worse than now or not? On the other hand, you could send a message and get a reply. The only thing that we can control is what we do. 

I think there is no right or good answer here as to what to do - the reasons for and against a particular action . You know the answer.. it is within you. Do that and be able to accept you did what you believe or thought is best.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op and sorry about the situation.

Of course he'd as you call pick up on hopes, he'd already long before had been worried about hopes it's not really picking anything up if you care for somebody you feel responsible and of course know how they'll think and he won't want to lead you or any hopes. Same with the teenager if someone isn't hiding it as it sounds like at this point your bf wasn't then it's pretty obvious. lt's really nice of him to care though of course, and to not turn a blind eye as most people would whether they notice or not.

My view on to or not to, is if you want to, do, but just do with no expectations. You have trouble with no replies to so just know this stuff doesn't just go away in a wk, a mth, maybe not in a yr , maybe never.  So understand that he knows that if he does answer or start talking , that might go on and that could lead to more and also you asking for answers and times too in the end, but he already know's he just isn't up to any of that and doesn't have them atm.

My guess would be so that's why he isn't answering. l've been through it with my daughter and my partner and the trick was to sure text or message and just say hello or talk and just be there - but with no expectations. My partner would answer in a day, or 3 , or 2wks, or a mth , l knew that , but she knew l'm here when she's able, same my daughter. Both have gotten through things now and both just gradually started talking again when and as they were up to it. Meantime with my messages and little chats and comfort she just knew l was there they were heard and noticed and read and if he is still interested in you and your relationship then you can bet yours will be too. So if you want to persist and be very very patient and do not expect replies or expect anything right now, go for it.

But l suppose if you feel there might not be a future then it might be healthier for you to start backing away.

Good luck anyway , rx.

[quirkywords]

Maddie -faye

smallwolf and random have given you helpful suggestions. It is hard when do eibe dies ot reply as often as we like. I know when I was depressed I lost track of time so he may think he replied recently to you. 
No communication reflects on how he is feeling and not necessarily how he feels about you. 

If he sends a short reply I would reply in roughly the same number of words. So etimesa long reply can seem daunting when one is depressed.

you will decide what to do. 

[maddie_faye]

Yea it’s really difficult, i know how much he loves me but also that is so very unwell at the same time.