Recurring depression

[layla09060]

I am 22 years old, and have always been ambitious. I've also been struggling with panic attacks and crippling bouts of depression since I was 9, however lately the depression seems so much more pervasive.

Lately I've just had this really nagging sense of being a failure and a disappointment to others and largely to myself, I quit a job that made me very stressed and unhappy only to have the same feelings at the new job I'm at - I've already found myself taking "sick" days when I just can't get myself to stop crying and get out of bed, which of course just makes me feel worse and exacerbates my suspicions that I am in general a disappointment and burden. The job itself is less stress and the coworkers are lovely people, but I count every minute and am constantly struck with hopelessness and rushes of fear pertaining to my longstanding hypochondria (the past 6 months it has been fear of brain tumour despite having a clear MRI seven months ago).

I have been constantly referring to my former aspirations, and almost lamenting my capabilities as they grew to nothing and I've not achieved anything that I am proud of. I also emigrated to Australia from Europe 4 years ago and have yet to form any friendships or relationships, which has been unbelievably embarrassing.

Everyday is so awful, and I miss the times in my life where I could just breathe and not constantly feel as if I am working to survive and "get through" - thank you to anyone who read for listening.

[Kiki207]

Layla,

Welcome to the forums, coming here was definitely a good step, the wonderful people on here have helped me greatly.

I understand the voice in your head is overpowering and that its extremely hard to silence it. Ive had the same problem.

I dont see a disappointment in you at all. I see a lovely young woman who just needs some TLC at the moment.

Contacting friends and family from Europe would definitely help ease the loneliness and build motivation. You say that your coworkers are lovely people, so maybe you can find new friends there.

Remember that you are loved and no matter how bad you feel you ARE worth it. Depression is a disappointment, not you. Youre stronger than it.

xox

Kiki

[Birdy77]

Dear Layla,

I would like to join Kiki in saying welcome and it's a really positive step you've taken, coming here to talk with others who understand what it's like living with depression and anxiety.

I'm really sorry to hear that everything feels so overwhelming for you right now, manifesting in needing time off from work. Needing time off does not mean that you are a " in general a disappointment and burden". It means that you are not totally well just at the moment, and you need support and care, just as you would need support and care if you needed time off for a broken ankle.

Which leads me to ask if you have any support and care in the form of a doctor or therapist?

You have been living with a heavy burden if depression and anxiety since you were a very young girl - that takes its toll on you mentally, emotionally and physically. So please don't be so hard on yourself - you are strong and brave to have fought through as you have.

On top of that, you have moved country! That's a huge undertaking. It can be difficult to make friends at the best of times, especially as an adult, but in a new country, and living with depression and anxiety - it's a big challenge.

I am sorry you have felt embarrassed. If it was someone else experiencing the same thing, I reckon you'd have compassion for them, rather than think they should be embarrassed. Could you try some compassion for yourself?

I hear you when you say that you feel you have not achieved what you had expected you would, I have had very similar feelings myself, but I've come to understand that our goals and expectations sometimes need to shift and evolve to fit with our actual life as it is (rather than as we expected it to be). I never took into account my struggles with anxiety and depression, and it's necessary sometimes to make adjustments to our goals.

Please feel welcome here to lay down some worries. We care.

🌻birdy