Overemotional in a good life

[blujeans96]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a couple years now. Ironically it has been since my life took a positive and happy turn and the reality of my past began to weigh down. Since my life was positive, it made me feel like it was a happy bubble that if I wasn't careful would burst and I would be back to square 1. It has been a lot of ups and downs of believing it is a condition and is not just my persona. I spent a long time thinking it was just how I was because, hey, my life was stressful but it was full of positive things, my life was amazing, I had supportive people around me and still do, but I couldn't just sort myself out and be happy, I couldn't stop criticizing and micromanaging myself to be as positive as I was in the past. I feel angry that my past got the positive happy person that my current positive life and people deserve and that iI feel I always do or say something wrong if I don't manage myself... like I impact those around me without meaning to. I feel like if I do in fact impact those people I will lose what's important to me. Anxiety sets in. I take too much responsibility on myself to care for those around me and achieve more, and don't understand when I can't handle it and the stress that comes with it. I have this need to constantly test and push myself because 'I have to be able to do better and be better'. I have progressed to being very internal because in a lot of cases I work myself into the ground and convince myself that I cannot change because I cannot cope and I am exhausted. I am overemotional, I just feel too much, consider too much, consider too many different options or reasons I may feel that way or how I may make someone else feel that way. I recently found out my husband finds it to be hard work being around me as he is always trying to make me happy but only succeeds for short periods of time before I recede again because I feel irrational that I have done something wrong. People ask what I'm thinking, and trying to capture my thoughts and express them is like trying to catch confetti in a wind tunnel, each confetti piece being a thought.

I am working on being more self-aware and have been seeing a counselor, but I'm just wondering if there are others that experience this and if they have advice. I feel like I can't express myself to my counselor, but I just hope someone out there understands and it's not just me. I'm working on myself, I know I can get through it I just don't know HOW.

[Franklin88]

Hey blujeans96!

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on in your life right now!

Speaking from my own experiences with anxiety I think we can sometimes make things harder for ourselves because we are told of conventional ways to express ourselves and if it doesn't work or feel right we are left feeling lost and confused.

Have you ever tried using creative outlets such as free writing, drawing or painting to try and express yourself?

As hard as it seems right now you WILL get through this.

[Hope_for_the_best]

From your words, it sounds like you are very unhappy with yourself. You also seems to strive very hard for perfectionism, as you "have to" be able to do better and be better. I don't know if my understanding is accurate. Since I am a perfectionist myself, hopefully the followings will help you. (1) You need to see the good things about yourself. It is good that you realize the positives in your life. Write them down and appreciate them. (2) Be aware of thoughts involving "have to" "must"etc. Instead of saying "I have to be able to do better and be better", try replacing it with "There are always rooms for improvements, but I have tried my best and done a good job. I could do a better job next time by doing such and such." (3) You mentioned " I take too much responsibility on myself to care for those around me and achieve more, and don't understand when I can't handle it and the stress that comes with it". Somehow you need to learn to say no. Saying no does not make you a bad person if you do it properly, like "I really wished I could help, but I am afraid I could not spare the time for that."

[blujeans96]

Thank you for your reply and encouragement Franklin88, and you're right I never feel satisfied with how I express myself or explain situations. I have not tried creative outlets such as drawing and painting, I did try creative writing once but for some reason discontinued it. I will try to pick this up again and continue to do it. Thank you again, I appreciate it.

[blujeans96]

Hope.for.the.best, thank you for your reply. What you said about perfectionism struck something in me, as sometimes I feel upset that I can't just... rewind and redo things if I get something wrong, and I don't give myself a lot of leniency, I don't give myself a choice to make mistakes. It's in some way comforting to have a name to a faceless trait so to speak and to know I'm not the only one that experiences this and there are tools to help. I feel like saying no makes me a weaker person for not being able to take on what others share with me. I see a mirror of myself in them perhaps and want to take their problems and make them feel better.

[Hope_for_the_best]

Good to hear that my post helped you understand yourself better. I was like you; I got very upset about not being able to rewind or redo things when I got them wrong. I attended a prestigious high school and everyone was very bright. Even though I did well too, I always compared with my classmates. I frantically looked at my notes to find any mistakes I made after any tests and exams, and then spent a lot of time being very upset. When I got to uni, I started to realize that "Even if I am the topmost student, I cannot be flawless. I don't need to push myself to be the topmost though. I am equally happy to be one of the bright students." I still got upset when I found that I made mistakes in my tests/exams, but with this new mindset I was less stressful. I did not do a bad job by changing my thinking; I ended up with Class 1 Hon. For the say no part, it takes a bit of practice to feel comfortable. I am still learning the art of it. Please share with your counselor all these and I am sure he/she can help you. Good luck!