On Drinking, Anxiety and Depression

[Skyler12]

Hello

This is my first post. I'm in my mid-thirties and have dealt with depression and (what I now am beginning to recognise as) anxiety on and off since I started university. In retrospect it really hit when I started drinking alcohol. Or rather, dived into a vat of it. I come from a conservative, quite religious background and I'd never had a drop of alcohol before going to a college on campus at the age of 17. Residential colleges can host a pretty dangerous alcohol culture, even to souls that are tougher than mine. Alcohol and cigarettes became inextricably allied with freedom and a world to which I'd always aspired. Ooh yes, I was all in. And I've been trapped in a Master-Servant relationship with both of them ever since.

Basically the twin cessna engines of alcohol and cigarettes don't power me like (most) other people in my social circle.Our childhoods don't define us but I think we are all trying to find a riposte to them in some way. I was taught to doubt myself, to always feel guilt, to come second or even last and be gracious about it. Don't expect too much. Settle. I was shouted at and verbally abused for the smallest infringement by a father who has a lot of stuff going on mentally. It feels good to say he verbally abused me because I'm not allowed to say that in real life. Because it would hurt him too much. "Look at how much he loves you", "that generation is different." Of course he loves me. Almost too much sometimes. It is a smothering love. Telling a child how much you love them after you've just called them atrocious names, told them that they were worthless, yelled at them for nothing or kicked them out of the car and made them walk because they disagreed with you might just possibly leave that child with a poor sense of self worth as an adult. Then he'd be lovely. Very confusing, really.

Anyway, there's been a lot of light and a lot of darkness. Maybe that's life. But I look around me and I see my friends buying houses and having children and I see me hanging back, afraid. Drinking too much still, trying to survive the dangerous depression that ensues. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to just survive. I don't want to look to everyone else for approval, I don't want to be scared to speak my mind. I know what I believe, I want to find the courage to live it. I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive.

I want us ALL to thrive. I'm writing this because I had to tell SOMEONE. Thanks for listening. 🙂

[blondguy]

Hi Skyler12

Welcome and what a heartfelt and courageous post!

You and I had similar fathers..." I was shouted at and verbally abused for the smallest infringement by a father who has a lot of stuff going on mentally" I fully understand what you said. It is the same as having our foundations knocked away when we are growing up and we have difficulty running on all cylinders. My dad did the very same

As a result of many factors including what you have mentioned I ended up with chronic anxiety for many years which then morphed into depression. 21 years of depression now and take my AD everyday

The forums are a judgement free zone for you to post. This is also a SAFE place for you to post (very well) and if you wish to have support thats no worries at all.

There are many people on here that also have similar issues to yourself Skyler including alcohol as well

Can I ask you if you have a a couple of friends (support network) that you can vent too? Always a great idea where having a huge vent is needed. Anxiety & depressive symptoms do decrease in intensity over time with patience determination and a good GP. I still see mine every month or so for a 'tune up' when my thinking starts veering off course. I am fortunate as he has a strong care factor for mental health

If I may quote a great comment you made : " I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive" I love this...well said

you are not alone here...in any shape or form...

Thankyou again for posting such a great 1st thread. If we didnt have courageous people like yourself posting there would be no forums

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[geoff]

hi Skyler, and thanks Paul for replying back to him with similar circumstances, which I know happens with many children and definitely so sad, however it's a world that I never had to experience, whether or not that makes me a better person will depend on who you ask.
Once you join uni or tech you seem to be drawn into what all the others are doing, smoking and/or drinking, it doesn't matter whether you're family condemned it, you are taken away from that supposed protection, but not from being verbally abused, so I wonder whether they are both related in a way, in other words doesn't your protection instantly go when you are verbally abused.
We are told that alcohol causes depression sure, but you drink to fill an empty hole that this illness causes, so it's a catch-22 situation.
My drinking was one reason why my wife divorced me, but I couldn't find anything else to replace it, and by looking at your mates buying houses and having children is not going to fill that empty hole, it's only going to make it deeper, let them do what they want, it's their prerogative, look at it as though you stablising your footage, because, remember you have depression and you can't make a reasonable, sensible decision, you may think you can, but with depression it clouds any choice you make.
I hope that your father doesn't know, but if he does then we will tackle that later, because you have enough problems that need to be addressed, so that you can stand up and say 'I can survive all of this by myself, with some help to support me'.
This help is by going to visit your doctor, and remember you can't overcome this by yourself. Geoff.