My thoughts and feelings are completely disorganised

[Niamh1989]

I literally have no idea what my MH diagnosis should be. I’m just so so so sick of all of this.

im 33, I have 2 kids. I was not too bad in terms of MH before kids, just got on with it.

now, I’m a headcase. I am depressed & anxious. I have thoughts of suicide.

but the biggest most hellish part is that my thoughts/moods/feelings are so chaotic & disorganised. I will fly from one place to the next. I so so desperately don’t want to be like this anymore, that I will go from wallowing in the depths of hell, then I feel okay for a second and I think okay maybe I’m fine now. I’ll then put off getting help because I’ll be fine for a few days. Then it’s bad again.

i Have disorganised attachment style and when I first found out about that it really explained a lot. I thought “disorganised” is so accurate re my head.

I swear, I am highly volatile. My husband is objectively a good person, he has done nothing wrong. But he has absolutely no idea what to do. He is very emotionally well regulated which I am really happy about for my kids sake but on a purely selfish level it annoys me to live with basically a male Mary Poppins.

my kids are okay, I protect them from the worst of my behaviour now because I am self aware and I do a lot to try and get it out away from them. I get support. My husband helps, my parents help.

my Childhood wasn’t great. Mum very emotionally unavailable and invalidated everything we felt good or bad. Her mum was a violent schizophrenic. Abuse, trauma & MH runs in the family. 

can anyone help or offer advice?

im Seeing a new psych this week, just got my MH plan renewed. My previous psych was great but of course after a few sessions I thought I was fine and told her that. Never saw her again and within a. Few weeks I was a mess.

[geoff]

Hello Niamh, hi and welcome to the site.

Having different mood swings as you have mentioned, need to be diagnosed by your psych and/or your doctor, rather than me suggesting a particular type of illness, as I'm not qualified and it would be inappropriate for me to do so.

With any MI our brain can certainly be disorganised, because our thoughts can change differently than when you aren't suffering from this illness and what you used to like doing, you may not anymore, which can confuse your husband as well as your kids who can't understand why.

When you see your psych then one session you may be feeling OK, that's good, but it doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same, so after you told your previous psych that you were OK, two days later it could have all changed.

Explain to them that you may be having a good day but felt like this many times before, however, the next day you usually feel different, this should be discussed as well as any trigger points that may have suddenly appeared.

If your MH plan has been renewed, then there is much you need to talk about, and remember files from your previous psych can be transferred over to this new psych.

Please keep in touch with us and let us know how are getting on.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Niamh1989,

Thank you for posting about your internal struggles. It takes considerable courage to post on our forum. As you are already starting to experience, we have a very helpful and supportive community here.

It is good that you are working with a GP and have set up a mental health plan. And, you have learned a valuable lesson for yourself, that even though you feel better within a few sessions with a Psychologist, this does not mean it is time to go on your own. It means that you are starting to sort and balance things inside your head, and should probably continue the work so you might, in time, find that more balanced place which you appear to be seeking.

We would like to encourage you to consider ringing one of the mental health support phone services for a quick chat with one of their mental health professionals to help you work toward maintaining that balance be between sessions with your Psychologist. You can ring Beyond Blue Support Service at 1300 22 4636, or Life Line at 13 1114.

Welcome to our community, and please remember that we are here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Leisa68]

Hi Nimah,

I read your story and I have been exactly where you are now. My thoughts were so chaotic, racing, ridiculous thoughts, things I thought I never would think. I wanted to run away from my family, I had thoughts of ending it all, and was definitely not easy to be around. I was so disorganized, it was all extremely painful to deal with I actually felt it physically. I can hear the pain in your words. I wanted to write to let you know you can get better.

I visit a psychiatrist regularly as I have been diagnosed with bipolar. I also engaged the services through my psychiatrist a psychologist who has quite literally understood what I was talking about. Through her, I have been able to climb out of my mess and I am starting to live a little. She has taught me that a lot of my thoughts were from the depression I had, that my thoughts were tainted by the depression. Each psychologist must have their own ways of helping, but her practice suited me. I have been with her for about a year, and am getting so much better. I hope you get a good psychologist as well. I do everything mine tells me to do, she always gives me homework 🙂

I hope your hellish nightmare ends soon. It's awful I know. But I've climbed out and I know you can too.

Leisa68