Losing work.

[sad-bun]

I work casual, but I am losing shifts due to my chronic pain condition. 

My boss and superiors chalk it up to "looking after my health" but I can't live like this. I am losing shifts rapidly in favour of people who are less qualified, but simply don't have my issue. 

I am lost. 

In my spare time I read, write and create art, but most of those tasks are now fulfilled by AI. Besides, I can't live on zero income. Currently I'm leaching off of my successful partner and it feels horrible. I am becoming redundant in all my fields very fast. 

I don't know what to do anymore. Who I am, and what I do is collapsing before my eyes. The "normal" fascade I put forward is crumbling. 

I live in a small remote town, so I have nobody to turn to. My partner is increasingly stressed in his job and it's hard for me to be open about how miserable I've been since moving here. But, by the same token, I've been miserable no matter where I've been, so I feel like I shouldn't really have a say.

I thought this could work, until I started losing shifts, until I lost all gusto to create. 

I'm sick of people telling me to "just learn to code" or something else of the sort. I have no interest in it. What I loved was my job. My job that I've essentially lost because of my chronic pain condition. 

Where do I go from here? 

Because of this condition I also make a crappy housewife. I am, in all respects, useless. 

The energy it takes each day to get up and do daily tasks is enormous. To not pull the plug, excuse myself forever. 

I'm seeing a psychologist but I don't know how to bring this up. I am a liar. I am my own worst enemy. I put on a brave face so people don't worry. I am the worst.

[Croix]

Dear Sad-bun~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope you get a chance to look around as you will see how some others have coped in similar situations - so a good move on your part.

Actually you sound rather like I did when I became very depressed after being invalided out of my career and told I'd not work again. I too felt increasingly useless, relied on my partner, and saw things simply going down-hill. No happy ending.

I was wrong of course, my life now is one in which I and my family are most content, however I did not get there by myself. Family was supportive but I could not help myself at the time. In fact it took competent medical help, and only then did  my recovery start and my ability to deal with what life handed me. It made me what I am now (though I'd not have believed it possible at the time).

I can well understand reluctance to honest with anyone, it seems to make for less hassles in someways, particularly wiht a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist. For a long time I'd only disclose what I believed was acceptable, and not the important truths. Looking back that was quite frankly silly. How can one get help for what is actually wrong if no one knows what that is?

That mask was so strong it took a lot to beat it. Can I make a suggestion?

Write down - as you have here - exactly how things realy are, and how you feel (even the frightening or embarrassing bits) in dot-point form on paper and hand it over in your next appointment. If you prefer show your post instead.

Writing it down beforehand gives you the chance to get it all down (and not be sidetracked in the consultation) and handing it over relieves you of the stress of setting it all out by talking. I suspect you'll find, like I did, it's a lot easier than I expected.

Handing it over came as a real relief straight away - not what I expected at all

I hope you feel like talking some more, you are not alone

Croix