Isolated and struggling to find my place

[Dollyface]

I’ve lived in Australia 2 years, I’m 46,I work alone as a cook in early years child care.i did the same thing in UK, I had colleagues every day was fun, I enjoyed my job, now I hate it, hate cooking. I’ve very limited conversations with anyone, it’s soul destroying. in my break I walk around the streets & at the end of the day I go home To my 11 yr old daughter who mainly sits in her room, then my partner comes home, he is a ward clerk so has no interest in having big conversations.I have no friends, no family here. My partners family don’t like me so I’ve not seen them since Xmas where I had to endure a full day in their company knowing they don’t care for me & apparently my partners friends think I am a bit much, which is possibly down to me having zero interaction with people for 95% of my life. I am socially awkward but when I get my confidence up then I’m too much for people, there is no happy medium, people just don’t take to me or want to be my friend, this has been happening all my life, I’ve had a few good friends in my life but nothing since been here, I talk to people briefly while out then I come away despondent because I know it won’t amount to anything, I friend request them on Facebook and that’s it, nothing more, I’m embarrassed to tell people I have no friends, so I sit at home and watch TV,scroll through Facebook to see what people in UK are doing then get upset. i used to love music, going to gigs and I am in a band and you would think that would create a social outlet but it hasn’t, I feel like quitting the band because while my partner gets people talking to him,no one talks to me, Im quite intimidating, nearly six foot with resting bitch face which doesn’t help and I do try and be mindful of that but obviously I’m not approachable. I did jewellery for a bit,genealogy but they are isolating hobbies, I joined netball but the girls were much younger,everyone has their own lives etc, so i packed it in. I don’t have much money so can’t afford a gym or to do a course.I can’t face going to meetups on my own which I’ve looked at. I can’t even afford counselling and went to a place where people were training to be counsellors for a cheap rate but I hated it, it made me feel worse, I was not brought up to be spiritual so counselling/self help books don’t help. I don’t answer the door or answer my phone if it’s a withheld number and I have zero retail therapy unless I do it alone. I’m becoming more and more internal. How do I move on?

[Lonelydan]

Hi Dollyface, welcome to the forums. You sound like the friend I would want. Genuine honest and wears it on the outside. I love a resting bitch face. Your so interesting in a band, hate the in-laws. Your partners friends think you to much I would say your husband friends are to less for someone interesting. Your daughter sitting in her room alone would have me worried how about spending time with her. I don’t know maybe she like her mother. Any I’m as crazy as s hat full so I hope this was something. Dan....

[zosterops]

Hello,

It's a great start to write down your feelings like this. It can be tough acknowledging that you have a problem or are struggling,

I realise you mentioned you can't face going to meetups alone (like meetup.com?), but I would highly suggest trying to go alone to something that isn't too socially focused. Like try finding a free exercise/bootcamp meetup if there is one nearby. It is great for being amongst people and casually social without the expectation or stress of having to be entertaining. You can just slowly get to know people, while getting some bonus motivation to get fit.

I find that exercise groups are less socially stressful than sports teams (where friends tend to do it as a group and it can be clique-y). With a free bootcamp, once you get to know people you could meetup for a run session. Then one day you go for a run and decide to get lunch or coffee afterward. Something very casual and friendly. It is a smoother, slower way of getting to know people without added pressure.

I suggest going ALONE simply because my anxiety and depression does not go well in group social situations when I have someone with me that I know. If I go out with my partner to a group event I end up just letting my partner do all the talking because that is easier (and in my head I am useless and people probably want to talk to him more anyway)... Which absolutely does not help my self confidence. I then clam up and become so quiet and visibly uncomfortable that it is very difficult for me to speak or for people to approach me.

I completely understand how tough therapy can be. It took 5 sessions before I had even a hint of something that helped me, and then it could fluctuate so much and sometimes cause such pain.

Finally, try remember that those things you 'used to' love doing, you can still enjoy them on your own. My mom is my absolute shining light on this. She has moved through 4 countries (We moved every few years through my childhood), and she decided that she wasn't going to let 'not knowing people' stop her from going to movies she wanted to see or music events or restaurants or tourist sights. Social media has made being 'alone' seem like a shameful thing, but you are strong and wonderful and just because there isn't a photo on facebook of your 'night out' doesn't meant it wasn't THE BEST!

Read up on mindfulness. And try stay in contact with you friends from overseas through skype where you can have some relief and talk more easily and be yourself.