Is that it, I mean is survival the only thing?...

[Sharny]

Forgive me if I'm not grateful for my life in advance. I am grateful for all that I have but it's the ME bit I've never settled with. I go through the motions, go through the necessary things in life and feel settled that I can achieve them. I can look after a house, children and a husband. Over the years I've found new ways of coping with stress and my first thought each day is centered around finding the most effective ways to combat stress, or at least what my brain perceives as possible stress. I'm well aware that others might not find some things that I do as a stressor but I've learnt that I can't afford to focus on their ways because I'm not them.

All I can do is focus on myself, the children and my husband. I've dabbled here and there increasing my duties outside of home etc and for the most part coped ok.

The nagging thought I have though in life right now is, is that what my existence is? I mean, is it just survival or will I get further nourishment to top me up? It's like my brain is not getting the feel good endorphin mix, I take a sauna and swim but don't get long term nourishment, I ride my bike but only feel temporary pleasure, I make my jewellery but the creative side fills me only for a second. My brain seems to feel devoid, depleated of a long term satisfaction. I worry that despite me doing things with my children, asking them about their day and generally being there for them that they feel my dissatisfaction some how. My thick skinned sort of strength though keeps me forcing myself to accept things and keep moving forward or along. I use keeping out of hospital as a yard stick for my own success in dealing with mental illness but sometimes wonder if this is acceptable line of thinking. Again, its all survival based living.

Again, I sound like I'm complaining, I should not. It's just a genuine question because I'm doing all the things I can to live a life of harmony but my ability to really feel things is lacking right now.

Most people accomodate a broken leg, arm or the like. With mental illness, it's just not possible to get an undertstanding going.

How do people out there with mental illness get your struggle across, get an understanding going without upsetting people of what you can cope with?

I actually just feel really lonely right now. We have to exist with people, they are in our lives.

[V17]

Hey Sharny,

It's really good that you have identified and acknowledged that you have stressors, but more importantly that you understand that every one is different. You are very right - people are different; we process things differently; we deal with our issues differently. I've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and PTSD. I found it difficult to relay what I am going through with my family initially. However, once I gained a better understanding of it, through the help of my GP, psychologist and these forums, I found a little bit of peace by accepting it. It's only through accepting that how this illness affects me - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually - that I have found it easier to talk about it with those closest to me.

I think there comes a point in our life - not just us mothers, but people in general - where we question our existence. Especially, when we see that through all our searching; through going through the motions, that something seems to be missing and through reflection, we question our identity; we question why we feel as we do knowing that we are grateful for our life. Yet, there seems to be something that eludes us. We can't seem to finger point what it is. You are not alone, Sharny. I understand and believe you when you say you are grateful, but there is that..'but'.

Perhaps reach out to your GP and openly discuss how you are feeling? Even printing out what you have written here and handing it to them to read is also another alternative than having to sit there and 'open up'?

I resonated to you having thick skin and using the hospital as a yard stick. I'm learning that by my apparent 'failing' or 'failure' in keeping my proverbial shit together has added to the many pressures I have placed on myself. These forums have proven to me to be a safe place of non judgement and amazing support. I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly liberating it is to feel that 'people have my back' in here.

This post of yours is a clear indication of an intelligent, caring and insightful woman that I see before me. I would recommend that you keep reflecting on yourself and keep posting in here because the answers will come. They are there inside you - somewhere - and each day you reflect and ask questions another 'layer' will be uncovered. It is a process and a journey and like all journeys they are made up on single steps.

Thinking of you.
Much love,
V.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sharny

I'm not sure if we have 'spoken' before. Your name sounds familiar.

Questioning our lives, our existence, as V has said, happens to many people, possibly to all people. It's certainly a common question. It is also one that is asked as we pass from being youngsters to older people. What have I accomplished is one of my questions. I am most uncomfortable with the thought that we simply exist and our lives consist of moving from one stage to another with no particular purpose. It's enough to make anyone depressed.

I cannot speak for anyone else because my experiences are just that, mine. What I have discovered is that I do need a purpose and this became more and more apparent as my children grew up and left home. I was a working mom and I enjoyed my job. I felt it gave me a reason to get up in the morning. But after a while this did not satisfy me in the way it had done so. I still enjoyed my work but I wanted more.

I fell into the black hole of depression and discovered that I needed to be with people constantly to keep my mind away from all the horribleness of this insidious illness. While this worked to some extent I then began to tell myself not to bother these people, that I was worthless and was keeping people from living their own lives without me hanging around.

My children have moved on with their families and I left my husband, it became time for me to satisfy myself. I have found that being part of something, anything, that helps others gives me great satisfaction. I notice that your listed activities are all solo. It may be that you have other activities you do with friends etc. Saunas, bike riding, hobbies are all great things to do to satisfy our creative part. But what about those times when you have received help and comfort. Who provided this? This is not a lecture, or at least I hope not. This is me trying to explain the joy of giving. Animal shelters, activities for disabled or sick children, tutoring at your children's school, helping out the local scout or guide group, working a few hours in your local op shop, being a guide in your local hospital. I hope you understand what I mean. When you find something that really lights a spark you will find your energy and bump up your endorphins. Please let me know if this helpful.

Mary

[B2B]

Hi there

First of all id like to say welcome . the first step to reach out is always the hardest but its the biggest step and you have achieved it so well done. Second of all you should never feel guilty for how you are feeling. regardless of all you have in your life the way you are feeling cant be helped and you have just as much right to feel that way as someone who has nothing.

You sound like an amazing woman who is a great mother and wife but it seems to me that perhaps you have lost yourself through the amazing job you are doing with your family.

My recommendation is to take some time and do nothing, I don't mean stop being a mum or wife or stop living, but stop trying to figure out what it is you need to feel fulfilment. Just relax in your free time watch movies go shopping read a book meditate and chill out. and when you do you will be amazed at the answers to the questions you have will just come running in and you will find your feet.

Hope this helps

Cheers B@B

[blondguy]

Hi Sharny

Good to speak to you again. I understand where you are coming from and you are not complaining in any way.

V17, Whiterose and B2B have written excellent posts above, so I wont repeat their input.

I have a friend who is a psychologist who mentioned that many of her patients are people are worried sick because 'everything is too good' I am very serious. Im not saying that everything is rosy with you but many women and men visit their therapist because 'everything is going so well there must be something wrong'

B2B brought up an excellent point about the ability to do 'nothing'. Many people feel 'guilty' doing nothing which is very common yet unfortunate. If you have the ability to do 'nothing' you are strong as there are too many 'busy' people that dont understand the benefits of doing 'nothing'

I cant remember if we discussed this subject last time Sharny and please forgive me for asking if your husband is a solid support person for you? Can you bounce your thoughts off him and have a good conversation about what you are going through?

I know you are a great mum and a caring partner. I just wanted to ask if you have the same care reciprocated back to you.

Please excuse the questions, just trying to help 🙂

my kindest

Paul x

[Ellu]

Dear Sharny,

You sound just like me. I have a good home, 4 children in their 20's, and have battled with bi-polar disorder since I was 15. After my last stay in hospital in the middle of this year, I felt kind of lost , dissatisfied and empty. I have found two ways to cope with this. One, make sure you do one pleasurable thing for yourself each day. That could be going out for a coffee, enjoying your craft work, reading a book - it doesn't matter, as long as you have something to look forward to which doesn't involve housework and being a mother. Two, consider taking on some voluntary work in the community. MIND Australia runs a Pals programme. What they do is identify people living with mental illness in the community who are isolated and disconnected from society and match them up with volunteers who visit them (half a day a fortnight) and help get them involved in society again.

I have done voluntary work of some kind or another for at least 30 years, and believe me you get so much out of it - you get a sense of usefulness and being a part of something good. If the Pals programme doesn't sound right for you, google "Volunteering Victoria" where there are dozens of volunteering opportunities listed. Believe me, it does wonders for your sense of self-worth and self esteem.

I am sorry that you are not feeling too well at the moment. I assume you see a health care professional - if not, make an appointment now. Talking things over with a trained professional will change things enormously. Wishing you all the best,

Ellu

[Sharny]

I would like to thank each of you that replied to my initial post here. Your responses and suggestions were so thoughtful and caring. I posted this thread a number of months ago and soon after took myself away from all social media and forum based activities due to my own issues of overwhelm. In the process of doing that I did not respond to anyone on this thread and I offer my apologies to each of you that took the time to offer me support.

I wish you every kind thought,

Sharny.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sharny

Thank you for returning and bringing us up to date. This forum exists for people like us to exchange information, tell stories and support each other. When you feel you have gained enough from here then it's time to stop writing. It's that simple.

I wish you all happiness in your future life. Remember you can always return if you need some support.

Mary

[demonblaster]

Hi Sharny 🙂

Horrid place to be isn't it

You certainly sound like you have a good sense of survival & insight, you do things to try and change how you're feeling kudos.

I'm far from there yet & same as you I think about what I can do to try and help handle the downs ( I have BP (Bipolar, often)
What I'm working on atm is to try and pin point the main downers, (plenty but prioritise) once we know specifically then we can start working on them. How can we improve on it.

I've read here and heard elsewhere from people who've experienced terrible stuff that if we can't change something it's down to accepting and putting behind us, hard as hell but for survival I guess is the best way otherwise it continues to pull us down on top of everything else going on.
Also I'm trying to think more laterally, thought I had a pretty open mind but had a moment recently that allowed me to look at other reasons for stuff that when we're low we have trouble seeing.
Keep at it Sharny, your clearly strong but have a lot to deal with.

Are you able maybe to increase the excercise to get the endorphines working longer

Do you see a psych, if you get a good one they can be great for release & help with unravelling and coping methods

I say same too, an open cut, broken leg, what people see they have compassion & understanding for, when it's hidden unless we talk to people about it they don't know. Yeah I too don't wanna bring people down but if we don't talk then they won't understand & be able to support pos help

Hope you're not feeling lonely anymore, very sad misunderstood cruel place to be. Now you have people here in your life that not only understand but care too 🙂

You're right we do have & mostly need people to exist in life, but ya know what I've recently realised is it's ourselves who we spend every second with of our entire lives.
We NEED to like ourselves.
We all have good points so that's a starting place to work on I reckon 🙂

I like how you said you're not ungrateful for what you have, good on you seeing good bits too & acknowledging them.

All best Sharny 🙂

[blondguy]

Hi Sharny

What a caring and heartfelt post. No apologies necessary at all but huge thanks for your kind post 🙂

You are a part of the forum family whose input is greatly appreciated

I hope your week is good to you Sharny

My Best

Paul