I want to start living but I don't know how

spontaneous sunflower · ‎02-03-2022

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a number of years now. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since I was diagnosed and I’ve sought help on these forums. Both have been helpful; some aspects of my mental health have improved and some haven’t. I’d say the main thing getting help has done is made me understand my feelings better and stop me from causing serious harm to myself. But I’m yet to see some real improvement and I’m starting to feel hopeless. I feel like I’m losing everything and I didn’t even have much to begin with. I left high school because of my struggles. I completed a one-year TAFE course but have yet to do anything with it. I’m 19 and I’ve never had a job because of my anxiety. I’ve been trying to apply for jobs and have even been to a couple job interviews but the whole process is just nauseating and I’m so inept at the whole thing. All my friends are going on with their uni degrees, working and earning/saving money, getting their licenses, etc. I have none of that because of my anxiety and depression. Everyday I feel myself falling behind my friends and drifting away from them. All of this boils down to the stark realisation that I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life so far trying to work this out. I’ve always been quite self-analytical and philosophical. Maybe that’s my ultimate issue. I can’t just do things (like most functioning adults do), I need to almost feel like it’s my purpose to do whatever the thing is. But I’ve never really felt like that, I feel like an imposter and out of place in most situations. It scares me that I’m almost 20 and I have no work experience, no savings, no prospects. I know I don’t need to have everything figured out but I honestly have nothing figured out. Life just isn’t very fun and I don’t think I’m a fun person to be around anymore but I’m not sure how to change any of this. I look back on my life so far and I don't feel I was even there for most of it, like even in the good memories I'm in disbelief that it was even real. Maybe I'm just thinking this because right now I'm nowhere near "happy" or "okay"... I don't know. I just feel like I haven't lived and I want to but I don't even know how to start. I feel like my whole life is just being eaten away by my depression, anxiety and internal battles.

spontaneous sunflower · ‎27-04-2022

Wow, lots of responses! Sorry it's taken me a couple days to respond.
Thanks Banksy. You are quite right, sometimes things resolve themselves when we least expect it. I think the suddenness of getting this job worked well for me, as it left me little time to get all anxious over it. Although I know not everything can happen so quickly and easily like this, so I think it's about finding a balance- letting things just unfold naturally but still actively seeking what you want to some extent.
Hi Oz_robbo, sorry to hear you feel similarly. Thank you for your support, I'm sending you my support as well. I hope you're trying to look after yourself.
Thank you Hamsolo01 for your support and kind words. It means a lot to hear that my words resonated with you!
Hey That Other Guy, thanks for replying. You're right, it is normal to have some degree of struggle in your life. Nothing can be perfect all the time and I think having hardships helps us to appreciate the happier moments in our lives more. I definitely feel that I have made progress, even though I am still not exactly where I want to be, and that I will eventually get to where I want to be (or maybe my path will change again and that's okay too, because sometimes our wants change).
Job is going well, I've had 3 shifts so far. I get particularly nervous before my shift, which I handle by giving myself lots of time to get ready, blast uplifting music to hype me up and have a cup of tea! Once I'm there and moving about, I feel lots better. There are moments I make a mistake or feel nervous, but I feel with each shift it becomes less and less. I still feel pretty fatigued, although I think it's due to me doing more stuff and getting out and about more than I did a month ago. Hopefully I settle into a more relaxed routine soon.

Banksy92 · ‎29-04-2022

Great to hear the shifts are going well and that you have a routine to help you counter the nerves before hand. I think once you've done a few more shifts your confidence will grow even more and hopefully then they will reduce or even disappear.

Hoping your energy levels also level out once you're fully adjusted to the new routine. But if you're still feeling fatigued, always good to check with your GP.

Karen0901 · ‎29-04-2022

Congratulations on the new job. Starting a new job is always hard but it sounds like you are doing great at managing the anxiety.

I find that having a job really helps with depression. Gets you out of the house and distracts you from your problems. Gives you a reason to get up.

Over time the anxiety will get easier.