I think I need help.

[appoggiatura]

I don't really know what to do anymore. I have been depressed on and off for the past two years. I think about suicide every day, but I don't think I would ever go through with it, as I don't want to hurt my mum. I get really sad for no reason. I feel like no one except my boyfriend knows this about me (and he doesn't know the ful extent) and I have to act very hard to appear happy and interested. I feel like if I tell anyone I'm just burdening them with my issues. I have crippling self-esteem issues. I hate the way I look and I hate the person I am. I'm not anorexic, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve food or shelter, because I am taking it away from people who are more worthy than me. I have an amazing boyfriend who has been with me for a year and a half and he has supported me through many of my darker times, but it's getting to a point now where I feel like I am abusing him because I can't be happy or get better. I've tried to break it off with him so that he can be free of me and my troubles, but he never wants to let go, I think because he's scared that I will get more depressed without him and maybe commit suicide. This makes me feel like such a horrible person, as I just want him to be happy and move on with his life. I was seeing a therapist for a bit, but it didn't work, it made me feel worse. 

Sometimes I can see myself getting into a dark mood and there is a rational voice somewhere in my head that is telling me I'm acting like an idiot, but it never seems to be strong enough to stop me. I have flashes in my head of suicide and I find these hard to cope with.

I don't know why I'm posting on a forum, and I don't know if it can help me at all. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about my problems, I feel selfish and silly for even having problems, and I want the anonymity that the internet provides. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and to hear similar experiences and know that I'm not the only one who suffers from these particular issues.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

"No One Belongs Here More Than You".  This is a truism, as well as the name of a collection of delightfully amusing, creepy, touching, surreal short stories by Miranda July, which has the convenient effect of allowing me to initial-capitalise the phrase for free emphasis.

I think a lot of the thoughts you've expressed here are - to attempt to put it mildly.. hogwash?  Fiddlesticks?  Hokum?  One of those words.

I think your pushing your boyfriend away is a symptom of the depression, and the logic you are using to justify doing it is too convoluted.  I have the feeling these things are come up with in reverse order by the depressive mindset.  Like your brain has decided, in the background without your permission, "Hmm... I need to hate myself, but how can I reconcile that with the fact that my boyfriend loves me and doesn't want me to leave?  I know!  I can blame myself even more by saying that it's my *fault* he can't let me go!  It's my fault, because if I kill myself, he'll feel bad.  Yes, yes, that'll do nicely!".  The real truth is that if someone wants to leave, they can and will do it themselves.  Don't try to take ownership of them, and make decisions for them.  He's still there because he wants to be there.

I think we overemphasise the "burden" that we put on people.  It's just another trick that the depression uses to make us feel bad.  Last year, in the foyer at TAFE, a fellow student (who I'd never talked to before) walked in, and someone who knew him exclaimed "Hey man!  Where have you been?!".

Fellow Student: "Ah well I've been a bit depressed.  Just been lying on the couch eating cheetos and watching cartoons for two weeks, pretty much.  Thinking about what the point of my life is and all that."
Someone Who Knew Him: "Damn dude, that sucks"
Me: "Ah yeah, I did that once, a few years back with children's TV and dry cereal - "What's In The Box?" and the like.  Not fun."

There was a little bit more but that's the part that I remember 😛 .  There was no burden on anyone.  The conversation quickly mutated into one about music, as is the law when musicians talk to each other.

[Jemima]

Deep intake of breath! I understand what you are saying, I cannot put into words how I feel but I know I don't feel like I used to. I have just joined this forum because I want to know if its just me that actually feels like I cannot work because of this illness. I have been depressed for many yrs and have been on an antidepressant for so long, am seeing a new doc because at 46yrs I am now going thru Menopause. Am feeling the worst ever I think nothing makes me happy, my girlfriend is 17yrs younger than me, and has suffered her own stuff, but this is big and huge, and I understand what you are saying. I am currently studying nursing, just to be an AIN which of course I say JUST because couldn't possibly be anything more. Years ago I managed a coffee shop had three jobs on the go and went out all night... but that was a life ago now.  I am replying to you because I feel you. nothing makes me smile anymore, and the mask is slipping off... previously I myself have tried to take my life which I know is so so wrong, but what to do when you just want to be numb?? I don't want to think, do, act, smile, anything... I tried to let my girl go too, same reasons but she wouldn't... I can't offer any advice except that I have taken the day off TAFE today because couldn't face going out which is happening so much more frequently. everyday really. was supposed to see a psychologist yesterday but got so stressed and ill about it came home and had terrible time on the loo then went to bed... 4pm!!

I am not anonymous, can't be bothered with thinking about that when I really do want to be that... anyway, .... Jemima

[geoff]

hello, you must have heard about Beyond Blue which offers the chance for people to express their need for help and support in depression, so it's a good place to start. There are many different people on this site all with their own suggestions and advice, and I hope that some of them or hopefully most of them can give you some ideas that you can relate to.

As Rondentdron has put it perfectly by saying ' if someone wants to leave, they can and will do it themselves' but your boyfriend doesn't want this to happen, he cares for you and wants to stay, with the hope that he can somehow be able to help you, and that's commendable for him to do so.

Again as what they also said "No One Belongs Here More Than You", (and please excuse the different type of colour and print I not quite sure on how to really modify this) because it's an anonymous site but certainly a caring one indeed.

Your mum must play an important part in your life, just as your boyfriend does.

With depression on comes the fake happy face when we are out in public, we all do it, but sometimes I really wonder why this happens, could it be because of the pecking order with our 'friends', and if we appear to be depressed does that mean we are pushed down the order and be the lowest on the list, maybe, or if we tell someone that depression has got me, they may say 'oh that's no good, excuse me I have an appointment to go to', so in other words it means nothing at all to them, and we are wasting our breathe.

In depression there is always a voice in us that over powers any good feelings and produces negative thoughts all the time, we don't have the strength to get rid of it, and most of the time it's just an accepted feeling to be depressed until it's gone away. There is no self esteem, that was gone a long time ago, kicked out the window, because we have lost our job, communication with anybody and don't care about anything at all.

'Selfish and silly' for having these thoughts NO it can't be helped, it's by no means your fault, you certainly didn't ask or want it, non of us would be that stupid, especially if you have had it before.

There are many' tricks that the depression uses to make us feel bad', and how true is that, it's always waiting around the corner to catch us, it just feels like we are tethered to it and it can be so hard to break this chain.

Just curious whether you have seen your doctor or taking any antidepressants at the moment, and you can let us know, that would be great. L Geoff.

Jemma will reply to your other post.