i only feel emotion through empathy

endlesslydriftingthroughspace · ‎20-10-2014

I' m lost. I have not a hard life. It was. But I fought and made a fair one. Through constitution. Now I contribute to life through an act I don't see the point in. I had so much work to do to put myself on a level playing field I forgot what it was all for. Now I am adrift. I seem to float in and out of peoples gaze only to end up frozen in time. In front of my reflection. I am just here without purpose. Drifting. Dreaming. Searching. I am. I can. I do. Still nothing to need. I stare back at the reflection and desperately ask for a reason. A point.

I dont feel sad. I feel little emotion. I would kill for my own little piece of real sadness. Empathy consumes me. I must have a purpose other than to feel other peoples anguish. Other than to listen and calm them. Where is the peace I promised myself. I walk through wonder, possibility and chaos yet my heart does not stir. What did I give up that day. Where did I hide it. Where do I turn. What am I meant for.

I don't empathize with peoples joy. Only their worry and heartache. It feels like everyone is flying past me at a million miles an hour when I'm amongst the crowds. Endlessly drifting through space. Another cog in the great machine. A man that does not understand love anymore. A dreamer without a dream. I'm half the man I used to be, I'm half the man you see. I lie till I become the lie. I'm not honest to myself. I'm ordinary.

I' m scared out of my mind. I beg myself to change.

This is the first time I have ever spoken about this to anyone. I'm not sure what to expect from this really. Is there something wrong with me. My heart tends to feel like it has butterflies from time to time. I find it easier to speak in broken sentences when I try to express my inner dialogue.

Doolhof · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Endlessly Drifting,

I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and tot he community here. You are very poet as you write how you are feeling, or not feeling.

Do you feel like you are suffering from depression? Have you talked with your Doctor about how you see and experience life?

Do you have a family or are you living alone? Have family members or friends asked if you are okay lately or commented on how you react to certain situations? Have there been any major upsets in your life lately to make you see and act this way?

I'm certainly not a professional of any sort, I am just trying to help you think about how you behave and why.

It is wonderful you have been able to express yourself here. Can you try to think about life totally differently and see if that changes your perspective to what is happening around you.

You mentioned you are a dreamer without a dream. I have a suggestion for you. Plan to do something tomorrow that required details and planning. If you like to cook, choose a recipe, go out and buy the ingredients and prepare the meal from scratch. Think about what you are doing the whole time. Smell the food, taste it while you eat it without just mindlessly eating. Or think of your own activity to explore.

Look up Mindfulness activities on the internet and see if any of that connects with you.

Let me/us know how you get on. Wishing you a greater connection to society, from Mrs. Dools

AGrace · ‎21-10-2014

Hi endlesslydrifting,

Welcome to the forums. As Doolhof has mentioned, you certainly have a way with words, even if it is as a result of this drifting state you find yourself in.

It sounds like you are having difficulty understanding how you really feel, and yet you can tell its unlike your usual self. You mentioned being scared, is this the reason why you haven't spoken to anyone before? You also want to change, what change do you want to see in yourself? How do you see yourself changing? What support or resources do you feel you will need in order to facilitate this change? Do you have others around you to help? Is there even one person (a friend, relative, or health professional) that you could call on for support?

AGrace

endlesslydriftingthroughspace · ‎21-10-2014

I don't understand emotion well anymore. I made a deal with a man in a mirror when I was 18. I broke that deal at 20. At that moment I felt real sadness for the last time. I am 29 now.

I fail to see the point in seeing a doctor, I don't think this can be fixed. If I was depressed should I not feel loneliness, sadness, despair. I see happy people as being unaware, lacking in curiosity. This was always a one way ticket.

I live with a friend and my girlfriend. My girlfriend doesn't understand. She senses after being together for 2 years that there's something missing in me but can't figure it out. She doesn't like that I never speak about how I feel. I tend to to daydream for hours after work while drinking. I dream of hundreds of different futures near and distant all at once, all day. When I drink and sit in silence I can focus better on just one future.
She asks, are you ok? You seem like something's wrong?
No, I'm ok.
I want to tell her I can't feel real sadness, I think she will feel I can't love her. I can't.

I dream all day. Of what may come. Possibility and the probable. Nothing more. no dream job, no dream possession. Not of love, not of pain.

I do not understand my purpose. I can make friends with anyone. I can make them laugh and cry so easily. It's like I see how everything fits together stopping me from being a part of everything.

I tried your cooking idea. Everything reminds me of something. I just found myself lost in thought again. My inner dialogue is incredibly active.

I'll plead with tomorrow for another distraction. A burst of motivation to create something. A melody perhaps. My only solace.

Thank you mrs. Dools

endlesslydriftingthroughspace · ‎21-10-2014

Thank you for talking to me AGrace. I've been this way for so long I'm scared that I will never change. I've learnt how to function with this so I am never at a point when everything falls apart. I liaise with high profile retail executives everyday. My chest feels heavy and light. I'm anxious but I can just exist this way. I don't like my job one bit. I don't know what I would do though. All jobs seem the same to me. They have a pattern which if followed equal the job asked of you. I don't know if I can tell anyone. I think it will make it worse. Every possible outcome I come up with leaves that person full of worry. I feel worried. They get more worried...

I don't know what I could do that would change me. I've taken every 'depression' test I can find on the web in the last few days. Nearly all tell me I'm severely depressed. Most say severe anxiety and a few even suggest bipolar II disorder and dysthemia? I don't know what the last two suggest? Should I not feel sad? I feel there is nothing to see.

Don't you want to see niagra falls? I've seen water fall, there is water, that's all.

Thank you for listening AGrace, you're a kind person.

geoff · ‎22-10-2014

dear Endlessdrifting, welcome to the site.

Well it's certainly a long username, and yes you wonder whether you do have depression.

My long time psychologist who I had seen for 20 years always asked me what I would like to do in life, and there was always silence, I had no answer, I couldn't think of anything, because nothing excited me.

She mentioned lots of ideas, but everything she suggested didn't turn me on, so was I afraid of even starting doing anything, no, that wasn't the reason, I just wasn't interested.

When I was married my ex and two sons wanted me to go and watch a AFL game with the team I barricked for, but no I just wanted to stay home, because it was a couple of hours away, I just wanted to stay home and drink, so basically I just felt bland, empty, unexcited, why because I was in depression.

Depression can affect any one in all sorts of ways, but it depends on the what level you are on, that is deep depression means that we want to sleep and our communication and mood is zero, but means that we also feel bland, and why I am saying all of this is because I do feel that you do you depression, and no, it's certainly not in a major way, but you are uninterested in life, so it wouldn't hurt going to see your doctor. Geoff.

Mares73 · ‎27-10-2014

Dear Endless Drifting can I suggest that you look at the list of Gps on this sie-they are specialized in mental illness & depression. I know you may lack confidence as to how to open up. So perhaps you could start by saying I found your details on Beyond Blue. That's all you do have to say * the GP would know your reason for visiting. That would be a great first step in aiding your recovery. Also have a think about seeing a psychologist or getting reviewed by a a different psychotherapy Gp would know of Al the resources available to you. And you've already shown your strength, courage in reaching out here. Just take smal steps. You are in good hands on this site, your anonymity is assured & you can be also sure that here you will be treated with compassion & care. I hope you can get back to us with an update on how your feeling & what you think of the suggestions so far. Big hug, Mares xxx

thebatman · ‎15-11-2014

I'm not sure this helps at all, but everything you have said spoke to me in a way I can't even decipher in my own head, let alone physically explain.