I’m tired of being strong

[Sophie15]

“You are the strongest person I know,” people keep telling me. While I know deep down that I am strong, I’m just a bit over it. People don’t see my sadness, my tears, my struggles. Perhaps they don’t want to because they need me to be the stronger one. But I am tired. Being in Melbourne and in multiple lockdowns is wearing me down. I went from hardly ever cry to crying almost daily. I want to be hopeful but it’s hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to sleep and not wake up until things get better.

I’m getting to a point that I’m thinking about going back on antidepressants. My partner doesn’t think I should. He tells me I’m strong and things will get better. It’s not that I don’t know this to be true, I know with time, things will get better with covid and the lockdowns will end. But it doesn’t help me now. I have to minimise watching/reading/listening to the news now as I feel like I’m being re-traumatised each time. My coping skills are deteriorating. It’s hard to find joy.

I know I am more fortunate than a lot other people during covid. I have my job still as I can work from home. I’m able to have sessions with my psychologist still. But being told that other people have it worse doesn’t really help me. Instead of feeling blessed, it makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It makes me feel like I’m ungrateful.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am tired. I don’t want to be the strong one anymore.

[geoff]

Hello Sophie, we really appreciate your post because being in this current situation is not easy at all, and by people saying 'You are the strongest person I know', is not only a misunderstanding but a comment that may be far from the truth.

Having your job at home may seem to be perfect for some people but certainly not for others as the office interaction has presently disappeared, so your environment is different and when someone begins to cry every day then that's a real concern that needs attention, but please don't blame yourself because that's one problem people seem to do, unfairly.

The more you are told that you are strong, when you don't feel like it, then perhaps this is when you cry because you know exactly how you are feeling and if you believe you need to start taking your AD's once again, then discuss this with your doctor and then agree with you.

At the moment no one else needs to know, that's your choice to decide on, but if you want to tell your partner, then that's what your doctor has advised you to do, so all you are doing is following their instructions.

We do happen to hide our tears, sadness and struggles, but it's not fair to pretend, especially when you know that's exactly how you are feeling and find no joy in life, I am very sorry for you.

Being ungrateful is not how you should feel because your condition is much deeper than being like this, there is more involved and being told you're strong may mean that you're not allowed to feel this way, of course, you are, you're a human and affected by many different circumstances that you're trying to push under the covers, please don't let this happen, because when you do, what this means is that it all builds up, but putting on a happy face is not going to help you.

When you are able to and want to, it would be lovely to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Sophie15]

Dear Geoff,

Thank you for your kind words and considered response.

Deep down inside, I know all you’ve said are true. I guess I need to hear it from someone else from time to time.

I am letting myself feel the feelings, which I supposed is good. But it does trigger those tears which I hate, which in turns make me feel worse at times.

I had my partner here during the lockdown last year but he’s been out of state since April and I haven’t seen him since. It meant I spent my birthday on my own and worry that will be the case during the holiday season. I’m getting increasingly sad because of that.

What triggered me to reach out this time is that he left for camping with his mate without letting me know. We message each other everyday multiple times, including to say good morning and good night. He all of a sudden didn’t respond on Saturday. I thought he fell asleep early. Sunday came and nothing from him all day. I couldn’t get a hold of him by phone and got worried. I ended up getting a hold of his mum and she told me he went camping and might not have reception. He been messaging me earlier in the day and we’re playing around with a new feature on the messenging app. So I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me he’s leaving to go camping. I’m not the controlling type and have no issue with him going away with his friends. This really bothers me as I don’t understand why didn’t tell me. Was it something I said? Something I did? Does he not trust me and what does that mean for our relationship? Does he want to leave? I like to think that he’s just being a “guy” and these things just wouldn’t even cross his mind. But he’s not a thoughtless person. So what does it mean?

My two dogs are my saving grace. They are elderly and they need me. So I need to be ok for them. Needing to go on business walks three times a day meaning I am forced to leave home, which is good for me.

Thanks for listening. I know I will be ok in the end. The journey is just difficult at the moment.