I looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was a stranger staring back

[Caitlin]

I've always tried to hide my depression. It's been something I have become quite good at doing. My struggles have been dealt with in silence. While there are people in my life who know what I go through, I am very good at putting on the 'I'm ok' face and just going through the motions. However, the events of the last three days have lead me to realise that I can no longer do that. It is not only hurting me, but those around me. And as I feel as though the walls are closing in, I am less able to put on the brave face that has always masked my inner struggles. 

around this time last year I was admitted to hospital for an act of self harm. While I admit that this happened, I don't like using that word. My actions were not done to

end my life, in all honesty I'm terrified to die. I wanted the thoughts in my head to stop and I thought that this was my only option. As I think back, it was almost an out of body experience. Like someone else was doing it and I was just the vehicle. I got the help I needed. I was able to work through what had lead me to that situation. I truly felt ok. 

this year so far has been good. I was enjoying work, planning an overseas holiday, actively participating in social activities, making new friends, seeing old friends, finding love. I could acknowledge what had happened and was able to talk about it. I still didn't want

my depression to define me though. In the last 4 weeks I have been faced with challenges. Not knowing if I had a job, issues at work (not solely directed at me personally), my social activities were becoming less, my mum (my biggest support person) went overseas, the guy I fell for told me he no longer wanted to see me and my shifts were so erratic that I couldn't catch up on enough sleep. It all happened at once, everything that seemed fine was becoming harder and harder to deal with. 

I took myself away and put up all the walls

I had previously broken down. as I looked at myself in the mirror all I saw was a stranger staring back. I am completely disconnected from the person staring back. My abilities to have conversations are clouded and I often don't even know what I say. Talking to a friend I said 'I just want it to end'. I did. I meant it. But I didn't want my life to end, I wanted the thoughts to end. I can see now how my words can be heard to others. I don't blame them for what they did. While at work, in a corner and barely able to stop crying, I was approached by a colleague. He told me to get my bag and come with him. As I walked down the hall I could see the police standing there. My friend, in wanting to know my safety, had called them. I knew what was next, as I sat in the hospital I just wanted to go home. How embarrassing to be in this situation again. How do you explain to people that you didn't mean it the way it sounds? It's right there in black and white. 

I sat in a room with two security guards watching me. I felt like a prisoner. The psychologist sat there asking me questions. As I answered I felt her tone was judgemental. As I sat there becoming more and more embarrassed, crying, she made me feel like it was my fault. 'Well clearly you need to get out more' she said. Don't you think I know that? She finally let me go home, after telling me I should know better, given this is my second admission.

as I lay in bed the images of the night were there every time I closed my eyes. I wanted it to be a dream. After a few hours I had to get up. To move. 

And that brings me here. As much as I feel like

I am alone in my struggles, I know I'm not. I'm not ready to talk to all my friends. But being able to unload here brings me at least some kind of peace. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I don't want to be a stranger to myself.  I need help..

[White_Rose]

Dear Caitlin

You are definitely in need of help and I hope this web site can give you that.

Let me ask you a few questions first.  No I'm not interrogating you, just want to know where you are in life.  The most important question is, do you have any help from a mental health professional?  This is most important.  If you had help previously can you return to that person?

Otherwise, please go to your GP and ask for help.  I think just about everyone who writes in here has tried to get well on their own, invariably without success.  Your depression, as you probably know, is scrambling your brain.  So let someone help you to get unscrambled and start feeling better.

All the disasters you describe are enough to make anyone feel dreadful, especially when they all arrive together.  Talking to friends can be a relief in some ways.  It does allow you to "get it off your chest", but you need more than that. 

Being told you need to get out more is rather a cop out by the psychologist.  As you say it sounds as if you are being told it's your fault.  Do any of these people stop to consider that you do not choose to be depressed?  If I had a choice it would be to have a healthy mind and body, not this awfulness.  Incredible!

I'm not going to write a great deal here today.  Just urge you to see your GP immediately.  Please write in again and tell us how you are going.  I'm sorry no one has answered your post earlier.  Sometimes people slip through the cracks.

I will stay in touch with you.

White Rose

[Caitlin]

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to have somewhere I know I can get in touch with people who understand what I'm going through. 

i have an appointment today with my GP and am eager to find someone to go and see. I have been to psychologists before but haven't found anyone I connect with. Trial and error. I'll find someone 🙂

i spoke with some friends on the weekend, after writing the post. As you say my mind is scrambled and I forget that there are actually people out there who are there for me to talk to. 

I actually feel different about all of this this time. Almost peaceful about it. I know it will take time to recover but I feel now that I can find the inner strength to overcome this. And I am actively reaching out to friends, reconnecting with them, whether to talk about it or simply to catch up with them. i have looked into community groups, something to get me out of the house, give me something to focus on and be a part of. 

I want my experiences to help others. I met someone on the weekend who is an ambassador for beyond blue. It was a random meeting and I felt like it was meant to happen. It helped me to realise that I'm not the only one. And that my experience, one day, may help someone else. I have a strong desire to remove the stigma of mental illness, as this has been a huge road block for me, and I'm ready to jump over it and keep going! 

Again, thank you for taking the Time to read my post 🙂 

talk soon 

[geoff]

dear Caitlin, please don't think that I am joking because I'm not, but in your post I feel a lot of warmth in how you mention your depression, may sound silly, but the way it's said makes me believe that you are a lovely person under this illness.

I am really interested in how you came to talk to an ambassador, as these people are truly worth their weight in gold, and that your experience down the track will help someone else, and I can read this from your post.

Eventually there comes a time when we just can't hide our depression, because this fake face that we tend to put on, becomes worn out or perhaps we may leave it at home, so then we have to try and cope by ourselves, and invariably we crash and then succumb to admitting that we do have depression.

I really admire your determination to remove the stigma of this disease, but at first we have to get you back on the road, so that 'you can jump over it and keep going', and this is what I like about you, and you can do this 2 ways, either you jump over all your problems knowing that some can be resolved, while others are left in 'the hard basket', or you desperately want to know why these problems have caused your depression.

I can't understand how a qualified psychologist can mention to you the most stupid response, like 'get out more', don't they realise that with depression this is impossible, because mentally and physically we aren't able to, and then these concerns of yours will just go away, because 'you get out more', unbelievable.

I am really interested to study or research why people like you and there are many more as well, find that by self harming can relieve their depression for a short time, because I find it to be fascinating, and by saying this I don't mean any harm at all, so instead of doing this myself, I used alcohol as a self medicating tool, and was labelled as an alcoholic, and yes back then I was, but not now, but it's strange how labels seem to stick to you.

Even now if I had a relapse I wouldn't tell anyone, but I would say that I was on this site, as well as to my psychologist, in which I have done so before.

The way you been talking especially in your reply to White Rose, you have it in you to either jump over it, or solve these concerns, but that decision is up to yourself, but can I say that I have jumped over a lot of problems because I could never resolve them, and if I tried, then down I would go.

I have said enough, but please reply back and also let us know how you are getting on in finding a psychologist. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Caitlin

You sound much more positive in this second post and I am so pleased for you.  Wow!  Talking to a BB Ambassador, That must have been interesting and thought provoking.  I am considering joining the speakers bureau but not sure how much use I can be. 

Glad you are going to see your GP and I do hope you get referred to someone you can connect with.  This is so important.  While in general psychs have the knowledge it is rather a lottery whether or not you will connect and feel comfortable with them.  It's almost like a date.  "Will I get on with this person?  Nice but not really my type".  The psych I see at the moment is great.  Great focus on me getting healed.  I hope you find someone as good.

It's also good news that you got into contact with your friends at the weekend.  Friends can really take the pressure off you, even without talking about your difficulties, although it is good that they understand you are going through a rough time.

Mixing with groups of people involved in activities you enjoy is fantastic.  I have been a member of a book club for many years and while I enjoy the book discussions I also get a lot of support in general chat.  Just talking to others about ordinary topics is great.

Most of all I am excited by your mention of your inner strength.  It is what we need to get well again and is the hardest thing to do.  Feeling peaceful about the struggle ahead, although you know it will take time, is the most positive statement I have heard for a long time.  But it's exactly what we need.  Stop fretting about the future and accept that healing will happen.  A fantastic thought.  Now how do we bottle that?

Perhaps in the future you may care to become a speaker for BB and help reduce or dispel the stigma as you have wished.  It is one of the biggest problems for people with any mental illness.  It frightens everyone, those with an illness and those who do not have a mental illness.  So many myths, half truths, and fears.  Well, to be rather trite, the longest journey starts with a single step.

I heard a quote on TV last night. "For evil to prosper, all it takes is for good men (sic) to do nothing."  Applying that attitude to mental illness and stigma and galvanizing the "good men" would be great.

I look forward to your next post

White Rose