I hate my bipolar for making me useless

[ziggdtd]

I need to vent a little. I have bipolar and lets just say it’s absolutely horribe. I cant hold a job, i rely on centerlink, i rely on my mum and i feel like a stupid adult child. At the age of 19 i should be studying or working but im too useless to even do that. My 17 year old brother thrives at life. He has a great paying job, has just bought his first (very nice) car and has great friends and a great girlfriend. I cant even go outside without having a full blow panic attack. Im so useless at living. All i do is sit around all day and do nothing. Not because im lazy but because my brain is so fried from the multiple anti depressants/ anti psychotics/ mood stablisers ive been put on. My memory is horrible, i have very poor social skills, i cant concentrate on anything and heck i cant even drive anymore. Everyone else around me is constantly doing better and making sure i know theyre doing better than me. I shouldnt feel like im trapped in this never ending cycle of stupid crazy mania and crippling depression. All i want is a normal life like everyone else my age but instead im stuck feeling like a dumb child who constantly needs their nappy changed. Why does this illness have to take so much from me? All of my teenage years were spent extremely depressed and anxious and now im coming up to my 20s and i feel like its going to be the same old cycle. Im such a burden on everyone around me and ill probably be the only sibling still stuck at home living with their mum even though im the oldest. I hate being bipolar and as much as i try to accept it, it just takes so much away from my life. I cant do the things i want to do because im dirt poor and i dont ask my mum or brother for money because once again ill just look like that stupid adult child who cant get their life together. Im so tired of being looked down at for being lazy and useless. I dream about having a normal job and a normal life but its likely never going to happen and ill be that one kid who never left town after school and turned into deadbeat scum while everyone else moved and fulfilled their hopes and dreams. I hate what bipolar has done to me.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi ziggdtd,

I’m glad you found this forum space. I hope venting was therapeutic for you. Sometimes I feel it’s healthy to let out some of those frustrations, pains and hurt so good on you for writing...

I don’t have bipolar personally but I have other mental health issues so I have some idea about where you’re coming from (even if it’s an imperfect understanding). I know there are quite a few forum members who have bipolar who would be able to relate...

What a heart wrenching post. You sound (understandably) down, frustrated and angry with the illness. Bipolar, as you said, has taken so much from you. It must hurt to see others do the things you wish that you could be doing too. That must really sting...

I don’t think you’re “useless” as you put it. I think you’re someone who is struggling and hurting, and has to deal with a lot on a daily basis. I feel that’s very courageous in its own right (even if you don’t necessarily feel that way at the moment).

I was wondering is there anything you enjoy doing; I completely get you have financial struggles, etc but is there anything that brings you some temporary relief/distraction? I know distractions aren’t exactly what you’re after but sometimes they can be really helpful when we are struggling...

Anyway, I’m glad you’re opening up here. Keep writing if you’re finding it helpful to release some of your emotions. If you’re feeling up to it, it would be great to hear from you again.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Alexlisa]

Hello ziggdtd,

I can hear so much pain in your story. You are so brave for opening up here. I also have Bipolar and understand very well that feeling of having so much taken away from you. I was wondering if you see a psychologist? It's so important that you have support to help you to deal with some of that sense of loss that you feel and to help you to not be so hard on yourself. I struggle with this a lot too. It is really easy to get down on yourself, feel useless and like a burden. But my psychologist has helped me a lot to see things more positively.

You can see a psychologist for free for 10 sessions per year if you get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP. And if you wanted to see them for longer, most psychologists will reduce their fees if you ask, because you are on Centrelink.

You also mentioned that you think your meds are causing you some issues. If you're worried about them, please speak to whoever prescribed them to you, because they might not realise how you're feeling.

I want you to know that you are not 'useless'. I can hear in your writing how deeply you are hurting, but you will never be useless. Please hold onto that. It can be really easy to think of ourselves as being weak, but actually when you think about it, we are the brave ones because every day we face such enormous challenges. I hope you can find a little glimmer of pride in that.

Take care x

[Steff_apos_shangingon]

Reading this , my heart breaks for you and the 19 year old girl I was in similar shoes.

Fortunately or not , I didn’t have a diagnosis and I ran with my highs and nearly died with my lows. but yes, this should be the time of your life.

Meds have always been an issue for me as anti- depressants made me manic but I have learnt to understand the warning signs and mood stabiliser medication is the only thing that can help when I’m manic.

Im 47 now and I have a family and I finished two degrees and it was the hardest thing to complete . Holding down a job isn’t the most important thing. I want you to understand this.

Finding peace and happiness is. I found my happiness in my first child and I found strength I didnt expect to have when I left my abusive partner for the sake of my unborn child.

This is an extreme example but sometimes you find yourself in the darkest times rather than lose yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be “ normal” because we are far fro. Normal. We are intelligent and empathetic creatures that feel so much it almost breaks us.

Be kind to yourself for now. You will find a way , I believe you will xxoo

[DannyG]

Hi ziggdtd

i hear you - I feel similar to you. Agree with steff and Alexlisa - don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be ‘normal.’ I feel like I should be more normal I should be able to hold down a job, have friends, have a partner,all that stuff you mentioned.

like steff said here it’s hard for us because of what we feel so we shouldn’t measure ourselves against those who don’t deal with what we do. It’s hard not to though, I do it myself!

sed if you can get your medication reviewed? Would be my 1st suggestion. And you aren’t alone in feeling like you do 😉