I feel like such a bad person

[Jangles_-13]

Five years ago I sent some flirty messages on Snapchat to other women and told my partner because I felt so horrible,I told her every detail and she got mad but forgave me and said we could move past it which we did,now five years later I have severe ocd that’s convincing me the messages will resurface and my partner will leave me even though I have told her,I feel like the worst partner and person ever I have been suffering like this for over a year and can’t seem to forgive myself or enjoy my relationship in fear of losing her any help would be much appreciated 

[Petal22]

Hi jangles 13,

I understand how debilitating OCD can feel it’s tough.

OCD is a vicious cycle and there are certain elements that keep us in this cycle.

I believe you are getting caught up in the OCD cycle.

When you have the initial intrusive thought, don’t put your attention on the thought instead practice mindfulness.

When your mind tries to bring your attention onto the thought again disengage and practice mindfulness.

Don’t question the thought, analyse the thought or seek reassurance.

Yes you will feel anxiety but try not to perform compulsions just try to sit with the anxiety and it will fade.

It takes practice and knowing what your OCD cycle is will help you.

Has your OCD cycle been explained to you?

What we give attention to we give power to.

Are you currently receiving professional help for your OCD?

[therising]

Hi Jangles_-13

I feel for you so deeply as you face the brutal feelings that come with such a deep fear. Fear is such a horrible and torturous thing at this level. Literally sickening at times.

As a 52yo gal, I think back to some of the deeply regretful things I did in my 20s. Still, to this day, I occasionally think 'How would people see me and behave towards me if they knew the kind of person I was?'. My imagination gets the better of me at times. Might sound a bit strange but I have to manage my imagination. I have to try and conjure up what I see myself saying to people. 'That is who I was, far from who I am today. I'm a far more conscious person'. I'd also say 'Nothing you could say or do could be worse than what I've already put myself through, when it comes to the depressing level of self hatred I've finally let go of'.

I found the self forgiving part can come down to moving forward through giving some form of release. I imagine a kind of vapor trail of past selves. From birth to now, it's like a trail of 'ghosts of the past'. Releasing my self from the ghosts of my 20s, while accepting they are there, frees me to be who I am today. I have become more conscious, I've apologised long ago to those who I upset while expressing great remorse and humility, I have become a more loving and compassionate more deeply feeling person etc.

While I used to think becoming more conscious was some gentle sage like experience, I've learned becoming more conscious can be an incredibly painful experience. To become more conscious of the pain I'd caused and the feelings experienced by those I hurt was not easy. To become more conscious of what led me to becoming that person I was in my 20s led to moments of sadness in many ways. To become more conscious of the need to change led to the moments of torment that came with not knowing exactly how to go about changing. Becoming more conscious can be a hard and painful part of our path in life.

Might sound a little silly but I figure if I do nothing other than face regrets from the past, I am facing backwards towards those ghosts of the past, that vapor trail of past selves. If I turn around and face who I am to become, I put that trail behind me. I cannot change who I was but I can change who I am.