How do I tell family and friends

[flossie62]

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, however most of my family and friends do not know. I grew up in an era where you didn't talk about mental illness, hence most of my problems were not diagnosed nor addressed for over 50 years (I am 62).

It wasn't until I had a breakdown about 6 years ago and was finally diagnosed when I cried through a doctor's appointment. I was put on a low dosage medication, which definitely helped and since that time the dosage has been increased once.

Obviously there is a lot more to my life story, but I'll save that for other threads. My concern is that I don't know how to talk to people. The only people who know I suffer from depression are my husband, my sister-in-law and two friends (who do not live close to me, nor do I have much contact with). I have three grown-up children, all married with their own children. They do not know. None of my other small circle of friends know either.

I have recently decided that I need to actively help myself, but it is very difficult to get motivated. I have started doing some meditation, and also tell myself that I need to get out and walk, but this is difficult to achieve when it's pretty bad weather out there!

Do I need to tell my children? Should they be aware of the struggles I've had, or should I just carry on without them being aware? And if I tell them, how do I do so?

[white knight]

Hi Flossie, welcome.

I'm 60yo. Diagnosed with depression, bipolar and dysthymia in 2009. In 2003 I was falsely diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar 1. In 1987 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety.

I'm lucky in that a/ my carer my wife had depression so we help each other and have a good perception of what the other is going through. B/ my medication, therapy, environment (small country town now) and work issues (forcably retired 3 years ago) have all contributed to some stability.

I'm a talker so the topic of my mental illness has been high on my list mainly due to me not being able to accept my conditions. I was after answers so I questioned everyone in the early days.

This resulted in another steep learning curve. My guess ...60% of people have no idea about mental illness and most of those people can't relate to it at all....or choose not to. I was told once "I'm not into that stuff, I'm after fun, fun, fun..."- how comforting.

" How comforting". That means I wanted comfort and did not expect rejection. You might not need the same. But you will be surprised maybe disappointed in some reactions.

The worse scenario, common on social media is possible future bullying. Last weekend for example Buddy franklin of the Sydney Swans was sledged over his mental illness from another player. And it seems friends you fall out with can grab their best weapon and be cruel.

Having said that one wonders of the positives in breaking the news. The benefit is sharing to caring people just as you care for them. Brainstorming has its pluses.

Sonow, with years of telling all about my challenges if I had my chance again who would I tell?

Immediate family, partner, children over 16yo, close friends...very close friends only.

Never work colleagues, neighbours or associates.

If I worked I wouldn't tell my boss unless my work was badly effected and I needed their help. It could work against you. Society us changing but we have a long way to go.

tony WK

[flossie62]

I find it difficult to open up to people, and then if I do, I worry about who they are going to tell and who might be talking about me behind my back. Silly, but that's how I feel.

I am retired now, so at least I don't have to worry about struggling through each work day, nor about work colleagues. I bluffed my way through my jobs, but it was really hard.

I have more time for thinking now, which doesn't help.

[White_Rose]

Dear Flossie

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I call one of my grandchildren Flossie on occasions, simply out of habit. She tells me, with a mixture of sadness and indignation, "Grandma,that's not my name". One day she will realise I am gently teasing her.

Like White Knight, I have told many people about my depression with mixed reactions. I told my adult children because I was separated from my husband and needed family support. Unless you know they will be too distressed I think telling your children would be helpful. Struggling to hide your feelings, as you have discovered, is hard work and as we get older it gets harder to do this. I know because I am older than you.

It is good to let them know as they can help when life gets a bit overwhelming. On days when you do not feel like talking or interacting with others you can say you are having a down day. Ask them to keep you company but not to chat much. Having someone with you who is not making demands can be very soothing.

I also suggest you browse through the resources on BB and send for some of the material, especial the publications for family and friends. Giving your children, and husband for that matter, correct information about depression and its effects will be helpful for them and avoid the possibility of someone saying depression is not real. You could start a conversation by giving each person one of BB booklets or pamphlets and asking them to read it. I think the conversation will flow on to why and how etc.

I retired from work eight years ago and found I really had to make a positive effort to change my lifestyle. I had time to do what I wanted but it was quite difficult to work out how to manage my days constructively. If you have any current hobbies or want to try something new, join a group of people who enjoy the same thing. Your activity then becomes the link and that way to making new friends. Have a good look around your neighbourhood to see what activities are on offer, the library is good place to start.

Would I tell any of these people about my depression? I very much doubt it, at least until I got to know them well and then only someone I trusted. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of but does produce mixed reactions from others.

Keep writing in and I will keep chatting to you if you wish.

Mary

[flossie62]

Thanks White Rose for your response. You have given me many suggestions which I have taken on board. I think I will send away for some information, and this will make it easier to broach the subject with my children when I am ready.

Everything you say makes perfect sense.

I have a passionate hobby doing genealogy, so that does keep me busy on days when I can't get outside in the garden. I find it difficult to meet new people, especially living in a rural environment, and I don't make the effort to get to the local community hub.

I was just thinking last night when I was going to sleep that maybe I wouldn't keep posting here, but your post has helped me to feel more positive. Would love you, and others, to keep chatting please.

I was called 'flossie' as a nickname by my parents up until I became a teenager. Always hated it, but couldn't think of anything else to call myself in this forum!

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

I wrote a reply to you only to have the system gobble it up. I hope I can capture the original flavour. A quick tip. When you reply make sure you copy the post before sending it. That way, if you get an error message you can
repost your comments without losing them. Lost the post a 2nd time so keeping my fingers crossed.

OK, I am also a genealogist. My family tree is quite extensive, especially when I find someone who has married into the family already has a tree of their own. My family seem pretty ordinary people with a few scandals and gossip. What I find fascinating the social mores impact on the families as they move from countryside to towns, from large to smaller families and small to larger homes. Also the misrepresentation of ages and places of residence for the purpose of marriage, but forget the census which often has different information.

I gather you are a gardener. I like to play at gardening, putting plants into pots or beds, filling up pots with potting mix and occasionally remembering to water said plants. Since I had some surgery on my leg I find it
difficult to stoop or kneel so I have a gardener who comes in once a fortnight for a couple of hours. He makes a huge difference. I bought some potting mix today and some plants and I am hoping to play in the garden tomorrow. Weather forecast is for the rain to clear in the morning so I may get out there.

I also enjoy embroidery, knitting and scrapbooking. Knitting I do when watching TV. I can embroider while I am listening to something, often the radio, and I like to listen to books being read to me. I get these from my
local library. There is something quite different listening to a story, especially with a good reader, than merely reading it. However I do read many books and I have been a member of a book club for many years. The group is
very supportive of its members which is lovely. Perhaps your library can put you in touch with a book club if you enjoy reading.

Scrapbooking absorbs my attention and I spend many hours trying to create lovely pages. At the moment I am working on a scrapbook of my 2nd daughter's wedding. She was married 15 years ago so I thought it may be time to get going.😊

I don't know how much time you have available so this suggestion may not be useful. Have you thought of volunteering anywhere? Animal refuges usually need someone, meals on wheels, church organisations, reading with children in school. Look around, you may be surprised.

Mary

[flossie62]

Hi White Rose,

We had some lovely sunshine today, so I spent most of the day on the ride-on mower, mowing down the weeds which have managed to get out of control after all the rain we've had. Only half-way there, so hoping for another good day tomorrow. I love sitting on the mower. It's great therapy for me, and nice and relaxing.

I do love gardening. My husband and I have taken on such a huge project. We bought a house on 10 acres about 7 years ago. The block had no garden at all, and it's great to see everything that we've planted now growing. We have lost a lot of plants over the years, to frost, wind, hail, heat, no rain, etc etc but we keep on going. We have learnt how to grow from seeds, and now that we have some maturing eucalypts, we are growing from our own garden. It is very rewarding.

I love reading, but have not tried listening to a book yet. I can easily read 5 or 6 books a week, especially when there's nothing to watch on TV.

I don't really have any other hobbies nowadays. When I was younger I did knitting, sewing, crocheting, embroidering, cross-stitch and tapestry but have not done any of that for at least 20 years now. When the kids were young, I loved making them clothes and knitting their jumpers. Listening them retell their childhood now though, it seems as though they weren't happy about the homemade clothes!

I have been doing genealogy for over 20 years now and love it. It's never ending, and in recent days I've been busy with my Irish research now that their civil records have gone online free! I have found out so much new information. My office is awash with paperwork which I try and put in order every now and again!

I have thought about volunteering, but I'm not that good in talking to people, so I tend to try and do the things that I enjoy at home. Also my husband and I like to try and get away as often as we can, and we don't want to be committed to anything at this point in time.

We both would love to have a dog, but unfortunately I'm allergic to them! Can't even babysit anyone else's dog.

Now back to some more genealogy research.

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

What a positive reply. It sounds as though you have worked out some ways of managing your depression. I can imagine you riding your trusty steed, AKA the ride-on mower, and going into battle with the dragons (weeds). I hope you succeed in slaying the dragon.

The weather here in Qld is quite warm for the time of year. I shudder to think how hot it is going to be when we actually get into summer. Not a happy thought.

What a pity you cannot have a dog. When I was growing up we always had a dog. I think the first dog, Jack, we inherited from my grandparents when they died. I have always had a dog in my home until I started to live on my own and was away from home so much. I thought it a little unfair for the dog.

I have neglected my genealogy research for a while. I kept hitting brick walls. I can only look at records on line as my family all live/d in the UK. It's a bit expensive to jump on a plane every time I want to visit county record offices.😊 I thought that once I retired I would have heaps of time but I became involved in volunteer roles which effectively put paid to my research.

I also found it important to regularly be in the company of others. Like you I am plagued by depression. Not long after I moved to my current home fell into the deepest hole. Moving house is supposed to be one of the major stressors in our lives and add to that my separation from my husband it was probably inevitable I became depressed. A dreadful time, particularly as I had never felt this way before. Since then the Black Dog stirs and yanks on his chain occasionally to remind me he is still there. It's an uneasy alliance.

Getting away from it all is important, especially if you can also leave all the chores behind. My husband liked going camping and so did the children, but I felt it swapping one set of chores for another. My idea of camping is to sleep in a hut/house of some sort. I am not the outdoors kind.

Do you watch Gardening Australia? I am in awe of people who produce a garden virtually out of nothing. And I love seeing the gardens entered in the Gardening Australia awards. I produced the garden I have by myself and I am very pleased with it. Unfortunately, as I said, getting down and dirty is something I cannot do much, hence the gardener.

There is a lot of research on the benefits of gardening which include exercise, fresh air, being in an activity that takes your mind off problems and the joy of producing something lovely.

Mary

[flossie62]

Hello White Rose,

I am in a good place at the moment. Had another day on the ride-on - got finished just before the rain came! Now the weeds will grow madly again, until the heat of the summer arrives and everything will end up like a dust bowl.

As you say, moving house is quite stressful. We have moved quite a few times and it never gets any easier. The house we are in at the moment will probably not be our last, as we know that as we get older we won't be able to manage the property by ourselves. But for the moment we enjoy the space and the quiet and don't look forward to the time that we have to downsize and actually have next door neighbours!

No I don't watch Gardening Australia, nor any other gardening shows. Quite strange actually, seeing that I enjoy the outdoors. But I learnt a lot from my father and through travelling and living in different parts of Australia. Love native plants, and they are the best to put in for us, as after a couple of years they don't require any more hand watering.

I'm way past the camping days too! We used to do only camping holidays when the children were young, and we lived in the NT. It was the only way we could afford to travel, and we saw a lot of Australia like this. The kids have lots of memories of our holidays - some good, some bad! But nowadays it's all about comfort. Give me a nice comfortable bed and a nice play to stay and I love it.

I have been wanting to do meditation, but have only succeeded in doing a couple of sessions. Apparently you're supposed to do meditation every day, but I always seem to be doing something else, and don't even think about it.

I started doing yoga last year, but after only half a dozen sessions, the lady who was doing it decided to give up (for personal reasons). So that has left our community without any yoga classes.

If it's not raining tomorrow maybe I'll try for a walk. Haven't had a decent walk for a couple of weeks as I've been sick with a cold, but I think I could manage to give it a go again.

Did some more Irish research today, but I don't think my brick walls are going to be broken at the moment. So frustrating.

I do feel like it would be nice to have a few friends who are close by, but I don't know how I can make that happen. I have lived in quite a few country towns, and it takes a while for someone who is not 'local' to be accepted. And then I think well why should I bother anyway, because I don't like small town gossip. It's a catch 22.

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

Meditation is great. I meditate daily, or usually daily. It is more useful to meditate every day as you are helping your body to heal. I have found I need to set aside a specific time and place to meditate and stick to it rather than do something else because it seems more important. Once you are practising daily you will find you look forward to your quiet times. If you can find an out of the way spot and tell your husband you don't want to be disturbed it will help. What sort of meditation are you doing?

Making new friends is often a hit and miss process. I also lived in a small town and that attitude of not befriending an outsider was present. However, it was changing as more new people went to live there. My children were at school which made it easier to chat to other moms and I still keep in contact with one of those moms. Again because of the children I was drafted into the various committees needed to operate the activities plus of course the P&C.

One way is to investigate what the town has to offer for people to belong to. I mentioned book clubs above. I enjoy meeting with a group and I am a long time member. Is there a genealogy group around? A friend of mine belongs to one such group and finds it useful as she has access to more information that way. They also run sessions teaching people how to do research. You may find this interesting.

Gossip is always a problem which tends to rear its head when a group has nothing else to do. Getting involved with something and being resolute in not gossiping can be done. Do you attend a church? I go to an Anglican church and do small jobs around the place, such as reading one of the lessons on some Sundays. If I am going to be away then I let the parish secretary know and someone else takes over.

I have a couple of volunteer jobs which I very much enjoy. If I cannot be there I let someone know and that's not a problem. There are some volunteer roles which can be so absorbing you feel you cannot have a holiday, but this is not a good thing. No matter what we do, we all need to look after ourselves.

Walking is so good for us. Exercise which helps to combat the depression, and increased fitness. I have had many conversations with my GP on this matter. She wants me to walk and I dislike it. But there are other activities I do to keep fit.

It's been raining in Brisbane today. Useful as I planted some seedlings plus a lavender plant and an azelia. I think this is why I ached yesterday.

Mary