Extreme loneliness, with no one to turn to

[chiko123]

Hello all,

For the past few years I have been in a long distance relationship (>16000km). For the first couple years I was managing life well, balancing talking over the phone and studying. However, in particular, the last year I have felt so numb, to the point where I don't care what would happen to me. I felt like I had no reason to be happy, because I only felt truly happy when I was with my boyfriend. Then in between I just studied and was content with my loneliness. Slowly putting on a face more and more. As of today the last time I saw my boyfriend was over 9 months ago, and although we still have strong feelings I can feel my detachment growing.

In addition, throughout the year from March, given the COVID situation I have been attending uni online. At the beginning, when there was the national lockdown, there was a period I didn't leave my house for 3 months. I gradually began to loose my uni friends. Something I have especially noticed in the last couple of months, because although restrictions have lifted, I don't seem to get invited to parties anymore, or when I message my then-friends, one won't respond for hours, and the other never responds. I feel like I have lost all of my uni friends. When I realised I was loosing my friends, I decided to join a club. The club was my saving grace. I met new people and had great fun. However, now activities won't resume for another three weeks and I don't know how I can cope. To make things harder, I met another guy there, which makes my situation much harder. Now I find myself torn about whether long distance is such a good idea after all. So on top of my loneliness and sadness, I find myself facing a life-changing decision.

I know deep down that I'm so lonely, to the point of desperation. I need to experience joy and life with people around me. I feel like I need to feel energy and life again. I miss happiness. I need a hug, I need someone who I can talk to. I need a friend, I need to be touched and I need to be loved.

[Flowertop]

Hi Chiko123

So sorry to hear you are not traveling well.
These are really hard times. It’s hard to make plans and connect with people and friends like we are accustomed to.
9 months is a long time to not have contact in your long distance relationship. Is this relationship always going to be long distance? Feelings for another person is a positive emotion, it may mean you want more out of a relationship.

Uni and studying online can be challenging. The best part of uni for many is the interactions and all the interesting and entertaining things that happen at uni. That came to a sudden holt.
Who knows what is going on with your friends, they could also be struggling. A lot of people suffer from anxiety, do you know if they are back attending uni campus.
It is so good that you made an effort and joined a club. That indicates that you are able to put yourself out there, good for you.
Have you got family or anyone you can spend time with, this may relieve some of your aloneness. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting out. Going for a walk or exercising.

You deserve to feel happiness. This forum is a safe space to express how you are feeling. When I have felt desperate a while ago and was an emotional wreak, I rang lifeline and they were amazing with helping me organise my thoughts and gave me some direction. Beyondblue also has a chat line.

Please know you will not be feeling like this forever. You are studying so I imagine this will lead to something amazing.

I’m sending you virtual hugs. Hang in there.

kind regards

[chiko123]

Hi Flowertop,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply, and it is nice to hear about another perspective. That feelings for someone are positive, that maybe it is time to reevaluate my relationship, and that maybe my friends are also struggling.. you might be right.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Chiko,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles and how lonely you are feeling right now. Long distance relationships can be difficult in even the best of times, but in the midst of a pandemic ...... well, that REALLY puts the pressure on everyone, doesn't it? That whole saying of "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is only true of SHORT absences, in the SHORT TERM only. Long absences only help people to grow apart, not together. That's certainly been my experience anyway.

It sounds like you have certainly been doing your best to adapt to all the restrictions and changes, and now that things are easing, is when things start to finally hit home, yeah?

And yeah, I really hear you about the hugs. I haven't seen my family since March as they all live interstate.

One thing that I have found myself saying is that "This too shall pass". COVID and its restrictions will NOT hold us back forever. A vaccine, I'm sure, is only just around the corner.

Just remember, even though it feels as though you are all alone, you're really not. We're all here for you and with you. Even the hugs from friends aren't that far away! At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

As for this other guy that you have met, that is raising questions of the whole ling distance thing ..... well, no one can tell you what you should or should not do about your relationships. Only you can decide what to do about that. I do have a question though: even though you haven't seen your partner in 9 months, have you been keeping in contact in other ways? Such as phone calls, emails, video calls etc? Because if communication has also dropped off, then maybe that decision is already on the way to being made for you?? I don't know.

I also don't know if I have been much help here either? I certainly don't have all the answers, that's for sure. I hope I have helped a tiny bit? Sometimes just knowing that someone has heard you can help, yeah?

Anyway, take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[chiko123]

Thank you for your reply Soberlicious96, and for the advice (you're right hugs aren't too far away!). Hopefully, you can get to be reunited with your family soon.

I think you are right about my SO and I slowly drifting apart, it has been too long. The time in between also put the future into perspective for me, regarding future plans - who will move where etc. I think that this made me realise that I need to stop daydreaming, and I need a concrete plan. This has been putting strain on the relationship, because my SO refuses to acknowledge that we need an end goal, and continues to exercise the hope that somehow we will just end up together. This problem of where we will end up has always been a contentious issue, so I guess, sooner or later we have to face the music.

[Soberlicious96]

Yeah, it's good to have goals to work towards. And as you said, you need to have that to focus on. I know that for me, if I find myself hoping that things will 'sort themselves out' without me doing anything, is just another way of saying 'If I ignore this painful/difficult/scary ..... thing then maybe it will disappear all by itself' ..... but of course, it never happens that way, and the issue only becomes worse, never better.

Sometimes it takes one person to make the decision or the change required to move things along, for the both of you, whatever the direction may be.

Try to remember, when making that next decision or change, that people come into our lives for "a reason, a season or a lifetime" (there's a quote/poem about that. Perhaps you could Google it?!) and that once you figure out which one it is that they are in your life for, then you'll know exactly what to do .... or not to do.

Anyway, once again, we're always here, ready to help out if we can.

Take care. Still here if you want to chat more about it. xo

[Bananie1234]

Hi Chiko123,

im in your situation too, i haven’t seem my guy for 7 months now, he’s an aus expat overseas.We became long distance a few months after dating then almost immediately after, the border closed. We are not struggling but i am starting to feel really isolated. Cos like you, i feel like I’m losing friends and i feel like i have no true friends. Everybody says let’s hang out, and then you don’t hear from them. It’s understandable cos as an adult (I’m already working) everybody has other friends/partners and their own family. I’m from NZ so I don’t have family nor high school friends, only some uni friends.

This has been the problem for me since before the pandemic but it has gotten worse as I progress more into adult life, but its been fine as I’m more content on my own than to feel as if I’m forcing my existing friends to hang out or to feel rejected when they keep declining your invitation to hang out. Despite enjoying your own company sometimes you do feel the need to be social. I do feel a little lonely at times even if i have some friends. The only time I don’t feel lonely is when I’m on my weekly phone call with my bf. Despite having 2 completely different lives somehow we can still go for a couple of hours each time we talk.

Like you, i joined a club, and it honestly has been the best thing ever however, as mine’s a hiking club, plus i work heaps, id be lucky to be able to attend 2-3 times monthly. So I understand how waiting for your next event can be difficult:) My goal is to make lifelong friendships so even with a hiking club, I’ve got to be committed to it long term to be able to achieve this as it’s always different people at the event.

as with the guy, not sure if you truely feel something or is it cos you just feel detached and needed some intimacy. It’s up to you to decide. I think take some time to figure out what you truely feel.

im feeling just as desperate as you are too. The border closures are eating me alive too and it’s worsening my anxiety. I hope knowing that others are going through the same thing as you will make you feel a little better. Hang in there! Good luck with your relationship too xx