Desperate for change

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎12-01-2022

Hi I am writing from in my bed 3.30 in afternoon awoke earlier had a cup of coffee only to return to bed. This has been me for at least last 2-3weeks -prior to this I did try and do more chores etc but now feel like I can’t be bothered what is the point low energy so very depressed 😭 diagnosed probs 15 years ago with anxiety and depression was on medication for 10 +years still experienced ++++ anxiety so not on them anymore did have some CBT which did appear to help at the time however life’s circumstances were a lot better then also I have had a lot of trauma in my life and became an alcoholic as was the only thing that truly helped me be happy and feel able to communicate/express myself at the time I obvs still am an alcoholic however I don’t drink nightly to second nightly like I used to now it’s every now n then like months in between.I have 3 beautiful girls 22 10 and 8 (eldest has left with bf ) I never leave the house anymore I have lost all interest in anything I ever enjoyed poor kids stuck at home on school holidays because I cannot get my life together feels so hopeless I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel I really don’t 😭😭😭😭

HappyHelper88 · ‎12-01-2022

Hello There thank you for post and welcome,

Im sorry to hear about what your going through,

I have experienced this before lack of energy and motivation and quite bad depression but I pushed myself to do small things to get out of the rut like cooking, exercise and self care, good to hear your not drinking as much it definitely can help temporarily but isn't a long term fix
I can see your going through a hard time and your little girls can give you an amazing motivation to get back in the swing of things

I definitely think its important for you to talk to someone about whats going on who can offer support and advice

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

I hope this helps and all the best

Leisa68 · ‎12-01-2022

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

It's an absolute herculean effort for a person to get on with things when they have depression and anxiety. I can appreciate it, as I go through it myself every day. For me, it helps to visit health professionals and get their opinions and help. I also try to set myself at least one medium job (nothing too big) during the day and try my best to tackle that.

Do you have any friends that can help you? Maybe your daughter could take the younger kids out (One of my medium jobs is to take my kid out). I understand what you are going through and hope that things will turn around real soon. Please be kind to yourself.

Leisa 68

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎12-01-2022

Leisa68 Thank you for your kind reply 😊 My eldest and I are not on the best terms occasional texts here n there and that is only a recent improvement she also has mental health issues as well as drug and alcohol abuse - blames me for having a shit childhood-has major victim mentality is extremely argumentative and manipulative breaks my heart but we are at least texting occasionally now so that’s something
I have ever since I was a child had bad anxiety and feel I get depressed from the uncontrollable anxiety I know I need to go see a professional but the negative thoughts over take any chance of logical thinking and keeps me from even going to the shops when needed it’s absolutely disabling I am extremely lucky to have a hb who is so easy going and accepting of me he basically does everything I do sometimes resent him for this tho which is terrible but I feel like him letting me do what I want and not having the hard conversations has enabled me to get to this point in the first place Arrrrgh I am a mess

Leisa68 · ‎13-01-2022

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

My HB does the same thing, however, he is my carer due to my Bi-Polar and my inability to walk. I feel useless and feel like a fraud. Mindfulness and CBT help me dissolve these thoughts, but it's an effort. We don't have a hard conversation either, my partner does not believe I have BiPolar.

I'm getting there and you can too. I'm sorry about your daughter and your relationship. That must be so hard. But I think your focus right now should be to get some help. Psychologists can do telehealth appointments as well, so you don't need to leave the house until you are ready. Just clear the house when you have the appointment, so you can speak freely. You won't frighten them away. When I chat, it feels good to clear my thoughts, good or bad to a person you know will not talk to others. They cannot.

I believe you can do this. You are a mum and a wife. You are a person. Please give yourself a chance. Call for help.

Leisa68

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎14-01-2022

Thankyou Leisa 68 again for your kind and helpful words 🥰 another day spent in bed avoiding life 😭 life is just passing by it’s such a sad waste especially from what I was and did before - I was a nurse always busy loved socialising and being around people I used to get so much out of one day it’s hard not to wish I could go back since then I have become an alcoholic - got in trouble with police a few times so I have a record - nothing bad just stupid stuff but still now I have a record so feel I cannot go back even if I wanted to- as well as the fact I do not believe in these vaccine mandates nursing is all I know I loved it - I was still anxious then and used to have days I’d call in sick because my mind would just spew out all the negative reasons why I can’t do it , I would sweat and be totally self conscious alllllll the time except wen I was off with my patients(here is where I really shined 🤩)always second guessing myself worried I wasn’t good enough the mind really is a powerful in that way- I feel like I’ve always been a prisoner of my negative thoughts it’s so frustrating it makes me angry - I look back now and think if only I pushed through those thoughts and feelings I could have really made it I had such a good life one I can never get back and it’s all my fault 😭😭😭😭 I have so much to give I am so empathetic and have so much love to offer the world I just don’t no how , I try not to be sorry for myself I pray to God for strength and if it wasn’t for him I would have already killed myself I am literally just existing and have been for at least 5 years now - I need clothes so bad it’s been that long since I went shopping for myself I wear the same stuff every day- I do wash them lol but my hygiene is pretty bad like I just don’t give a shit like wat is the actual point I don’t go anywhere anyway so arrrrgh and this is why i don’t c friends or fam much because I don’t have anything to talk about coz I go nowhere I’m just a lump of existing matter that is waiting to die watching g ppl live their lives wishing so bad I could just fix my mind so I could at least be present and motivated with my children at the very least! That is my only prayer for a clear positive mind to be a present and active part of my beautiful girls lives will I ever get there? My hope is with God and only he can help me 🙏 at this point I don’t c anything changing 😫 just day by day barely surviving and only existing this ain’t living it’s torture 😭😞

Sophie_M · ‎14-01-2022

Hi Lookingforlightgirl,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that things have been so hard on you lately, we can hear that so much has been going on and we just want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

therising · ‎15-01-2022

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

My heart goes out to you so very much as you face the overwhelming challenges of depression and anxiety. While I can't speak to the challenges of anxiety, I am very familiar with depression.

While I left chronic depression behind me

therising · ‎15-01-2022

Oops, accidentally hit the reply button. Sorry 'bout that 🙂

As I was saying, I left 15 years or so of chronic depression behind me some time ago. I should add, if there's one thing about being sensitive to what's depressing, it comes down to the almost constant need to keep raising your consciousness so as to not return to depression. Can be seriously challenging work. Being a mum to 2 amazing teenagers I wish to share how incredibly different parenting can be and feel while in depression. I used to give myself a hell of a hard time before I came to realise I was doing an amazing job for a woman who was facing what felt like hell on earth (depression) at the time. Constantly trying to manage your triggering and exhausting thoughts and feelings while raising a family at the same time can be seriously tough. Seeing chronic depression is partly chemically based (regarding brain/body), I'll relate to parenting with depression as like being given this really depressing drug on a daily basis and then being told to 'Go raise a family while on this drug'. It's sh*t, basically, and can feel almost impossible.

Never undersell how hard you've worked to get to where you are. In my opinion, some of the hardest workers are those with mental health challenges. You can be going out to work or working as a full time stay at home parent while working through a whole stack of meds in search for 'the right one'. You can be working to find the best therapist, working with mind altering therapies (like CBT), working hard to just get out of bed each morning and have a shower, working through a myriad of self help books, working through your issues in order to raise your consciousness and so on. So much work with little credit. Yes, those with mental health challenges can be the hardest workers in the world and they can work for years without 'leave', without a break. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

I can relate to alcohol as being an emotional regulator. It was a factor for me in depression. It's like if you were to label a bottle with emotions, instead of ingredients, it would read something along the lines of 'Contains elements of happiness, relaxation, freedom from thinking (mind numbing factors), Dutch courage, the 'social butterfly' effect' and so on. To not rely it daily is progress you need to give yourself serious credit for.

Have you ever looked into the challenges and abilities of an empath? Try Googling 'Problems only empaths will understand'. Hope it helps 🙂

PrettyLost · ‎15-01-2022

Hi looking for light. Today is my first day here and I’m in tears, reading your posts. I think because, today, I relate very much. Before coming here I’ve been on the day break app- which an app for people with drinking problems. But today, I’m in tears again and think a place like this may be better for me. Or, at least an additional help. I’m not a mum, but my partner and I have his 2 boys here half the time. They’re 12 and 13 and really lovely, but luckily he is the one who does a lot with them, as I’m not at all sporty. I think it’s hoo you’ve reached out here. Sounds to me like, you’d like to reach out to people who might be able to help you? I think some people have suggested here, maybe talking to a counsellor on the phone? I think I need to look into this too. Sending lots of love. You’re not alone. 💕