Culture Shock & Depression

[Plantsandthings]

Hi everyone,

I don't want to feel angry or constantly upset with people, but I feel this nagging sense of loneliness even when I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes it turns into anger or irritability because I just don't understand people. I don't understand how the people around me think and function. I lived overseas for most of my upbringing and I have struggled since moving here though my parents are originally from Australia. Wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience either as a third culture kid or just with culture shock in general?

I often feel like everyone hates me, though I know this isn't a very logical way of thinking and that it's probably brought on by my depression. But I also don't know how to stop feeling this way - the more I try to rationalise other reasons for peoples behaviour I reach an impasse, where I fundamentally don't understand other people's logic. People here can be so inconsiderate, and self absorbed! I feel like I always care about the people around me, but very few people care about me.

I would love advice or just someone to talk to about these feelings. I've looked at these forums for a while but never posted before, but right now I just feel so low all the time and I'm not even sure why.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Plantsandthings, 

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your feelings here. We can hear you're feeling really isolated and frustrated. It sounds incredibly difficult, and we hope you can find some understanding and advice here.

It's good that you're questioning the harshly self-critical thoughts you've been having. Do you have a GP or psychologist to support you with the depression you mentioned, and about these feelings of loneliness? Remember you can always call our support line to talk this through, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat 11am-12am AEDT each day.

It might be worth having a look at the multicultural experiences section of our forum for more on the feeling of "culture shock" you sometimes feel, particularly this thread from last year which talks about the challenges of connecting with people despite the challenges of living in a society that isn't really as inclusive as it should be. 

Thank you for sharing this, and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. Our community are here to listen and you never know how your story might help someone else. Do keep sharing, if you feel comfortable to do so. You might find other people on the forums who have experienced really similar feelings.   

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Amanda2000]

Hi Plantsandthings,

I totally understand. I find it difficult to relate to people in general. It's like no one shares my interests. I feel like I'm always the "weird one". Distraction works for me. Do something that you enjoy to get your mind off "people".

I'm listening if you would like to talk more.

[amberlite]

Hello Plantsandthings, what a beautiful identity name, a lot of people experience the same things you describe. It might be a human default like when we react instead of searching inside for our true feelings. Like I feel insecure in a group or some times I feel intimidated, jealous or inadequate. Usually if I pull myself back into my shell and if I am honest with myself then I can identify the feeling I am experiencing. This uncomfortable feeling is easier to endure than creating a secondary feeling which relates to blaming things outside of my control. This is a lot but I do think that your post indicates your high level of intelligence and self awareness. Hoping you feel better soon.

[Plantsandthings]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for directing me to the other thread there, I didn't know that there was a multicultural forum! I do have a psychologist, which is making me much more self aware of my thought cycles. I always come on here when I'm feeling particularly low, and right now the lowness is all about feeling lonely. I also have suspected OCD which means I kind of cycle through bouts of intense anxiety and then collapse down into depression a fair amount. I have lots of intrusive thoughts that can be quite scary and can cause panic attacks/ high anxiety.

In terms of the loneliness, right now I'm feeling a bit better than when I originally posted. I've joined a new sports team which I really enjoy, and I feel like I might be able to meet some new friends there. There's a nagging feeling that I'll just fail at that there too though. I'm not very fit and I find that quite embarrassing when we are doing our endurance workouts. I feel like people will look at me and be disgusted by how I look as I'm working out.

I live in a shared residence and the people there continue to make me feel extremely excluded. Sometimes I don't like going down to the dining hall because no one will sit with me and I won't know why. I feel embarrassed when I'm left all alone like that and everyone else has people they can sit with - it's this deep sadness like I'm just not good enough for anyone no matter how hard I try. I'm not cool enough for them, and I say things sometimes and they just look at me like I've said something wrong/ weird. I'm not sure what I've said?

[Plantsandthings]

Hi Amanda2000,

I often try to distract myself, with sport or with the few people I do trust. But sometimes it just comes and hits you out of the blue you know? I'll be having a pretty good day, then I'll see some people I know and go to have a chat to them, and they won't include me in their conversation. I then just feel this wave of sadness and loneliness, like no one really cares for me like I thought they did. I often feel used by people. I think I'm fairly empathetic and care a lot for most of the people around me, I wan't to make sure they're doing well, and I check in with them to see what is happening in their lives. But no one does that for me, no one seems to care much whether I'm doing ok or not. I feel like sometimes I'm walking around with a mask on, then once I return to my room I collapse from holding it up for so long.

[Plantsandthings]

Hi amberlite, thank you for your response

I like to think that I am fairly introspective, and that I think a lot about my actions and my feelings. I do acknowledge that the thing I am poorest at is identifying a feeling in the moment and working out exactly what the cause of it is. I often go back and think for a long time after I have had an interaction with someone about my feelings and what may have brought them on. I really don't blame things on something outside of my control that often, I tend to blame myself first. I then will sometimes bully myself for my own emotions, and wonder how to make myself stop feeling them when I know they aren't always fair to others.

Recently I feel like for once it isn't all my fault, rather I feel like some people have been treating me unfairly and I have let them for a bit too long. So I suppose that now I am a little bit angry and righteous, and maybe now I am truly awful and blaming everyone else for things that I am doing. But how do I reach a happy medium then? I feel like I give my thoughts and feelings and actions so much consideration, and others don't. I want to learn not how to be more introspective, but how to care less really - to put myself first more and then I won't be so sensitive about other people's actions y'know?

I will try to get to the root of the issue more though as you've suggested. I will try to ignore the overwhelming sadness long enough to try and identify what I'm really feeling at the core of it. I suppose it would be a mix of occasional jealousy that I feel others have more friends than I do, self-hatred about why I'm not a better person, feelings of inadequacy perhaps. Then I will try to sit with that emotion rather than letting the sadness take over and turn into self-pity.

[Amanda2000]

Hi Plantsandthings,

Yes I totally share your feeling. Same here - I always feel like the outcast. Exactly - people just don't notice my caring gestures. I find most of the time socialising only makes me more depressed. The only way to be good to myself is to be more withdrawn and enjoy the solitude!