Ashamed of my depression

[Shiny]

I don't have severe clinical depression. I am able to get up and work part time in my own business, and cook most nights for three teenage boys. I am a single parent, my ex-husband having passed last year after four years of pain and suffering following a heart attack. He was only 49. For four years the kids and I have been in a traumatic limbo with my ex having brain damage and DVTs and cellulitis and other issues.  With his passing late last year so many people have said "Now you are all free to move on" etc.  They mean well. And it is true we are now in a place to move on with our lives. After 4 years of carrying my children through this I am now exhausted. I find myself sleeping a lot. I'll get up in the morning and make my youngest breakfast and get him off to school with a healthily lunch etc ... then when he's gone I'll go back to bed until he comes home again. This happens at least twice a week. 

I feel ashamed.

My life is not that bad. My boys are healthy and after a really hard time the two older ones are now in Uni. My business is doing OK. I have to be careful with money and I have learnt to budget! I have good friends and a dysfunctional but somewhat loving family in another state. I have even met a lovely man who has held my hand through this ordeal for some time now.

So why do I go to bed. When I know I should go for a walk or do the food shop or wash the floors? I feel like I am just doing what I need to do to get through and I feel ashamed of my sadness ... I don't want to talk about it to people anymore because I feel like I'm just boring those who care about me. 

After last year hitting my rock bottom 😞 I started to see a psychologist and psychiatrist to help me. I went on anti depressants just after my ex husband's heart attack and put on 10 kilos in 6 months...one day I would love to come off them.

 Some days I feel fine and feel like I am going to be OK. And then there are days when I just feel so sad. 

 Anyway ... thank you for letting me share. 

[geoff]

dear Shiny, thanks for coming to the site and I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband who seems to have suffered a terrible amount.

Please don't feel ashamed at all it's depression that is causing you to do this, so you can't help it, but it appears as though you're struggling and trying to push yourself, sure you try and do the right thing for your sons, especially the youngest, but I'm not sure whether or not you feel guilty by having this new gentleman in your life, and I really hope that I have not upset you by saying this, I mean no harm at all.

It's all very well for people to say 'now it's time to move on', but not necessarily so, it's just doesn't happen automatically like they say, because you have to establish yourself, set a routine and then try and overcome what's happened, so it's not easy for you and I would think for your youngest son, as well as the two older ones.

I do worry that all of you are in need of counselling, and can I just mention your sons here, that they could well be hiding how they feel and possibly going through a hard time, and now I will include you as being the same.

It doesn't matter whether your clinically depressed or depressed both need attention , support and help, but antidepressants can only do half the job, all the concerns need to discussed through with a counsellor/psych.

I hope that you understand what I have said.

I am worried for you and I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Shiny

Thank you so much for coming here and providing your post and I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

I’m very sorry to hear about your husband;  49yo is just too young.   So that has been an awful lot that you’ve been having to deal with for so long now.

Do you feel your psychologist/psychiatrist are providing good help for you?

There are a lot of anti-depressant medications out there;  and I’ve read on here so many times about some having the undesired side effect of weight gains.  There are two possible things to think about here;   possibly going back to your prescribing person to see if there’s another variety to try, that doesn’t come with the weight gain aspect.  Having said that, if you feel this current medication IS working for you, it might be a case of better the devil you know.

One last thing with meds, as you’ve mentioned that at some stage you would feel like being able to come off them, so this could be a potential goal to set yourself for some stage this year.  But please do this under guidance from your GP, as it needs to be a steady and monitored process.

Just before I send this off I would like to say that with all you’ve been through, you are going remarkably well with all that you’re still having to do – and from that, you should NEVER EVER feel ashamed about popping back to bed.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that – and it’s just a state that your body is in that says, I do need some time to rest;   and it’s fine to do this.

I just wanted to let you know that, and also I hope that I’ve been able to say something above that has been slightly beneficial to you.   And hope also that you might be able to come back and post again, to let us know how you’re going.

Kind regards

Neil

[Beltane]

I think there are four words Id really like you to think seriously about.

 "compassion"

"forgiveness"

"permission.

"Acceptance"

you have been through a lot, I can see that, and now you are raising boys mostly on your own as a widow, though you have a new relationship blossoming.

there is no statute of limitation on grief- no time limit that you should be better. There is no rules about how the human heart and brain responds to these things.

does it matter what label you put on how you feel? "Deoression" "not severe" whatever. these are just labels and judgements.

all that matters is you are struggling at the moment. where in the human life handbook does it say that you have to be 100% super woman 24/7, no matter what tragedy befalls you?

so. Those 4 words. Give yourself "permission" to not be 100% right now. Be forgiving of yourself: forgive yourself when you have a day in bed. Be compassionate to yourself: say kind things. Allow yourself to heal and to recover through kind words and actions to yourself. And "accept". Accept that things aren't great right now. It is what it is. Accept that you need time to refind yourself, your kids need time to refind themselves. 

You need time, and a chance to heal and find a new path. The idea mentioned above about family counselling is a fantastic one. Spend time bonding with your kids. Have picnics on warm days, go bike riding. Find a moments joy and peace in  every day- whether it's reading a book in the lovely sun or a nice hot bath.

remove the word "should" from your vocabulary. Refuse to listen to anyone who says youn"should". There is no "should". There is just you, and your family, finding your way again after an enormous trauma. Give your kids a cuddle. Give yourself a cuddle. Give your new man a cuddle.

(on a side note, there are many antidepressants, and while one may cause weight gain, another won't. Your dream of coming off them one day is certainly a goal worth having and keeping, but again, give yourself time. Switch to another one so you won't get the weight gain, and look at getting some exercise. A nice bike ride with the kids perhaps.

im sure you can come off then one day, but let yourself do some more healing first. You'll kniw when the time is right 

[White_Rose]

Dear Shiny

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you can share your grief on this web site. Please accept my condolences on the death of your husband. The loss of a partner at any time is sad, but to be bereft at such a young age seems doubly distressing.

Grief has no time limit. And this applies to the effects of grief as well.

I have just seen the response from Beltane. It wasn't there when I started to write. All the comments and suggestions she has made are largely what I was going to say. So I will cheat and say please add my name to the end of Beltane's post.

Be kind to yourself and your boys. Give yourselves time to heal. No matter what other people say, there is no need to try and be "happy" all the time. I will never forget the words of a friend of mine. Her 23yo son was killed in a work accident. After a short time her colleagues expected her to "pull herself together" which you can appreciate was virtually impossible. Another friend of hers said, "You will never forget him, but the times between remembering will get longer".

I think that is such a great message of hope for all of us when we down in the dark. I have said several times on BB that the advice I was given is so true. "Listen to your body". If you need rest, then rest. Cry when you need to. Trying to get over such a traumatic time by force never works. It just makes more problems.

I agree with Geoff that perhaps counseling for your sons may be beneficial. A good psychologist will be able to see when they are ready to move on. This should not be mistaken for grief. Understanding and managing grief is one aspect. Feeling grief is another and is the normal thing.

Last thing from me. Never be ashamed of yourself or your depression. If you had a debilitating physical illness you would allow yourself to be unwell and recover. Depression is an illness, so let it run its course, even though I know it's painful. You will recover.

Good luck for your future. I hope you can write in again.

Warm regards

Mary

[Shiny]

Wow. Thank you for your thoughts, experiences and wisdom. I am processing it all. I have psychologists for all the children, though the older boys feel they don't need it too often! Not like me! But they do find it useful. 

I felt very emotional reading the posts that gave me permission to sleep 🙂 I feel so guilty about that. Some days I plan my life around being able to sleep and rest. It's like a dirty little secret. The lack of judgement in the posts is very liberating and helpful.

One day I want to have energy and zest like I used to. I have faith that it will come back - I just don't know when. 

I'm trying to put structure in my life and I am even seeing a Personal Trainer tonight for the first time. (Tho dreading it). I'm hoping once a week might be helpful for awhile. 

I did a food shop today and that wore me out! How crazy is that. 

I just feel tender and tired. 

Much love and compassion to all those that struggle and keep going 🙂 You are very brave ... Shiny 🙂

[Neil_1]

Dear Shiny

Thank you so much for your latest response.  It’s always awesome to receive further responses from posters – so we can try to help even that little bit further;  or simply be here for someone to write too;  to put your thoughts out and unload a bit.  Either way, we’re here.

Yes yes, permission to sleep;   or to simply go back to bed – your body is wishing for you to do this.

And then in time, your energy and zest will come back – but that’s a bit like someone “looking for a girlfriend or a boyfriend”.  They generally don’t just happen cause you’re wanting one to happen – they come along at unexpected times;  and I think so too will your energy and zest.  But for the time being, just keep doing what you’re doing;  all the little things, the little mechanisms you’re putting into place.  Tiny steps forward.

Wow, that’s awesome news about a P.T.;    do obviously let them know of your physical background, so they don’t punish you too hard on the first occasion – because, yes, you do want to go back for more;   but once a week?   Perhaps a couple of times a week (if that’s affordable of course).   So remember, nice and easy for your first time.  And to know that most likely your muscles will be complaining to you tomorrow.  🙂

Great to hear back from you Shiny; and would love to hear about how your P.T. session went.

Cheers

Neil

[White_Rose]

Great news Shiny.  You already sound more positive.

Great about the exercise. Again be gentle with yourself. As Neil says, your muscles will take you to task the next day but a short walk will probably help to relieve the ache. Just keep going. Perhaps one exercise session per week to start with and a walk every other day.

Energy goes away slowly and comes back in the same way. One day you will wake up and realise how much better you are and that will be a fantastic feeling. Small steps, literally and figuratively.

I would love to hear how you are progressing.

Mary

[Beltane]

Great to hear back from you!

feel free to keep messaging how you feel- we're here to offer you whatever support and help we can! 

What a lovely feeling having the "permission" is. I remember when I was depressed feeling much as you do- constantly guilty for my "sins" of staying in bed, or *gasp* ordering in take-away because I couldn't bring myself to cook.

i used to compare myself to people around me- oh look, they aren't staying in bed all day., look at them! They do this and that, and this and that- all day they're working so hard, and here I am laying in bed! Then I would say mean things to myself, like call myself lazy and tell myself to just get up and get on with it!

well love, life ain't a competition. Just coz Mrs Next-Door seems to fit 36 hours into every 24 doesn't mean you need to. And just cos you don't have that energy now doesn't mean you won't ever. Every day slowly it wil come back, as your body and your mind and your spirit heal.

do what feels healing to you. Yes exercise is lovely, and you might love your personal trainer. If not, consider something else. Lovely morning walks in the sun, lovely evening bike rides around the local park, a nice swim at the local pool on a hot day.

listen to your body- if it's crying out for a rest in bed, heed that advice. Forcing it to stay up is too exhausting. Perhaps get some guided meditation CD's to listen to in bed- there are also smart-phone apps with guided meditation (Smiling Mind.. Get Some Headspace... Simply Being.. Are some nice iPhone ones I like).. These can be lovely and relaxing, and often you can choose to just listen to the peaceful music without the voice-over meditation.

im glad your boys are seeing a psychologist, though as you say- being teenage boys and at uni, sometimes they don't want to go or don't understand the need to see one. Keep sticking together as a family and you'll find your way together. You can get group family sessions too at the psychologist. 

Maybe fidn yourself some lovely therapy books- nothing too heavy or confronting, but some nice peaceful ones about recovering from grief, or ones with messages of healing and positivity. (Sometimes it's hard to find ones that are genuinely helpful and not just trite and cliche, but there are nice ones)

keep in touch, we love to know how you're going!