Accepting disability

[Eagle Ray]

Hi, today I’ve realised I may need to apply for the disability support pension. I’m with a disability employment agency and they recommended it today and my psychologist last week. On good days I can go for walks and do a few things at home. Other days I’m struggling to function to do basic tasks. Today I could not even get my car key in the lock because I was so unwell and had to lie in a park for sometime before driving home to my town, realising I wasn’t safe to drive until I rested.

I’ve had a chronic pain and fatigue condition for 35 years. I’ve pushed through periods of extreme pain on slow release synthetic opioid meds in order to be able to work. More recently I’ve developed an autoimmune liver disease. It somewhat stabilised with the right treatment in recent months, but can progress to liver failure if it worsens and so I have to manage it with care. I have complex ptsd, anxiety and depression, the latter made worse by recent steep changes in hormone levels from perimenopause. I’ve always pushed through in the past, but I feel I am spent and my body is screaming at me it can’t keep going as it has.

But I feel a sense of grief, a loss of who I wanted to be and hoped for in life. I had a creative business idea but despite being technically capable I’ve realised I’m unlikely to be able to run a business in any great capacity. Accepting my limitations is hard and I think I just have to write that down here.

I may not even qualify for the DSP as it’s so hard to get it now, yet I’m being encouraged to do it. My future feels so uncertain. I want to feel independent and capable. I don’t like accepting my limitations and it’s hard not to feel depressed. Not sure if anyone can relate but just needed to tell someone how I feel. Living alone I only have myself to keep myself going and it can be a real struggle at times. There is no one to help me on days when I’m incapacitated and in extreme pain. I was a carer for years also and that has also burnt me out. I am spent.

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Eagle Ray, it would be good to find out the root cause of all this physical stuff going on. Do you remember when all the physical stuff sort of started at all. No pressure to answer. 

Yeah it does make sense that pstd could affect people physically. Like if you are in the midst of it, your body finds it a challenge to relax and be calm. Release of cortisol and adrenaline maybe. 

Just wondering though you were on pain meds, would the side affect of those impact your liver. I am a researcher wanna bee 🙂 often looking into health related , healing naturally, nutrition type stuff.  So I am sorry if it comes across that way. I just want you to feel better in all ways. And no , I am not taking this upon myself. I have prayed for you several times ( hope that that is ok) And keep lifting you up to God.

Yes mould. Did you get a blood test for this too? The naturopath looked at a sample of my blood under a microscope for this in me. Maybe you had it in a house when you were growing up? 

Do you have a air purifier in your place ? They maybe expensive, I am not sure. But you can purchase ones that remove all toxins from your inside house air including mould spores. Some plants do too.

Sounds like the emotional ,mental type healing for you has been like an onion. Peel of layer by layer sort of thing happening there. But it sort if seems like certain issues in you are coming out into the light. So maybe they can be healed within you. A sense of letting go of them. 

The listening to a healing song , yes I understand this. It touches our emotional souls. They can be so very calming. Maybe you could listen to them more. I listened to some healing frequencies tones/ music before. I think the ones I listen to where called wholetones.

And yes I am doing ok.

🪻🪻🪻

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks so much Shell.

 I am not on ongoing pain meds now as in strong pain killers, though I take a daily med for managing pain since 2005 that in higher doses is used as an antidepressant and lower doses for pain management. When I was first on that I was also on a synthetic opioid. Later as I improved I came off the opioid. However, to get through the work day I’d often take regular analgesics. This was recommended by my GP at the time and I always stayed within the recommended doses. But I have wondered if over time these contributed to the liver disease. I rarely take them now to try and protect the liver.

The naturopath showed a couple of tests he can order for mould sensitivity. He suggested first going away for a week to see if I improve, so I’m looking at how I can do that. I don’t have an air purifier. I’ve been thinking about a dehumidifier which I think is something different but not sure.

The shortness of breath always comes with an intense weakness in my arms, nausea and the feeling you get when coming down with a flu or other illness. It usually involves loss of cognitive function and coordination as well, and feeling disoriented and fatigued. RAT tests for Covid always have been negative.

Thank you for praying for me. That is so kind 🙏😊  I feel like prolonged stress in my life is almost certainly a contributing factor. One doctor last year during a bout of this thought it was asthma but there is no wheezing or cough. I didn’t have asthma as a child but you can apparently get it later in life. But I feel it doesn’t explain all the symptoms. The breathing difficulty is worse after eating and I don’t seem to want to eat much.

 I wake early long before dawn and don’t go back to sleep. I find it very hard to get through daily tasks. But I have to accept this is where I’m at and let myself totally rest. I tend to keep struggling to do things. Thank you for being so thoughtful and caring. I really appreciate it.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I meant to say thanks for the suggestion about healing frequencies. I’ve listened to ones before from YouTube and will do more of it. I did manage to play my guitar and do some singing yesterday which was definitely helpful.

[Croix]

Dear ER~

I'm delighted you got your guitar and sang, even a short while can change the way you view things. It can make you think for a while in terms of the music and its production, and not life. Can I ask what song?

For me as a kid singing was a very big thing, not only in a church (my father was a clergyman) but also in a particular school that specialized in song and training voices. We has a national choir and I reveled in it.

Sadly when my voice broke it went from crystal clear treble to something Lee Marvin would be proud to own (goodby "Hallelujah Chorus", hello  "I was born under a wandering star":)

With mound my wife was an asthmatic, and I have a little too, though mainly COPD. We had a couple of  air purifiers, which consisted in a box wiht a fan inside and filters at each end. It did not seem to do much.

Now I have de-humidifiers that actually extract water from the air via chemicals and deposit it in a reservoir you empty. These made a marked difference in getting rid of mold, I'd call them a success. They are not expensive.

I've found breathing difficulties have affected appetite, one solution to maintain a healthy diet to to use high nutrition drinks as part of it.

I hope you keep going wiht the music, I"m glad you are physically able to sing.  It is a pity you cannot play for us. Mind you it's more of a blessing I can't sing for you:)

Croix

Croix

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Eagle Ray and hi Croix,

Yes I agree with Croix ,it is delightful you can sing and play your guitar. I would like to listen to you play as well. And yeah we can switch off from other troubling thoughts when we focus on music. I don't sing in tune, but while I am driving around by myself ,I will sing in the car. 

Hope you are ok today. Wonder if a castor oil pack would help your liver? Sorry if my suggestions are overwhelming you or anything. I have used this castor oil many times in the liver area and ovary areas. They feel very soothing, can help to reduce pain in that area all also help to break up scar tissue ,help to detox the liver and other areas. Maybe it would help you.

And what about just making up a huge pot of nourishing soup to last for a while. Not much washing up. Or smoothies if you have a blender maybe.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and Shell,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughtfulness and suggestions.

Croix the song I sang is one I used to play and managed to relearn. It’s called Jesus Was an Only Son by Bruce Springsteen. It’s a sad song but healing at the same time, if that makes sense. Then yesterday I was listening to a very beautiful song by Daniel Lanois called That’s The Way it Is. It’s a song about acceptance and healing. It’s really speaking to my current circumstances. It has beautiful lyrics.

Then last night I actually wrote a song! I had a good session with my psychologist yesterday morning. I cried and she was just there for me. I’m so used to going through my struggle alone and she really gets how hard that is and she let me just feel what I needed to feel while supporting me. Later in the afternoon I lay on a bench by the river and could feel a lot of stress leaving my body. My experience by the river gave me the strength to later write the song which came relatively easily. So all the lyrics and music are there. I just have to practise to keep getting better at it.

A dehumidifier sounds like a very good idea. If there is a mould issue it might help me identify that that’s the problem. It rains a lot here in the winter and this is an old place. I’m a bit concerned there may be a mould issue behind the kitchen tiles where dampness appears that I don’t think is just from me doing dishes.

 I’m sorry you’re dealing with the COPD and Mrs C the asthma. I’ve wondered about both in myself but still a mystery. I read about an amazing case of a guy vastly improving from COPD in a book called Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve. It was through exercises to help rebalance the autonomic nervous system.

The castor oil pack sounds interesting. I’ll have a read about it. And yes a big pot of soup is a very good idea. I’ve woken feeling very ill again this morning. It’s like how you feel when coming down with a flu but doesn’t go on to be that. My body seems to be telling me it needs heaps of rest.

Thanks so much again for being so kind.

[Croix]

Dear ER~

I like the Bruce Sprinsteen song, and suspect that the guitar playing would be manageable wiht practice. It is precise but delicate and hopefully not too fast paced. That other song has a lovely couple of lines

"What's the meaning of the scar
If we don't learn how to heal"

As scarring implies both healing and the fact that we can expect things to go wrong as a normal part of life but we have an inbuilt mechanism for recovery.  A hopeful way of looking at things. I also enjoyed the cowboy (in the clip I saw) cantering along on his horse down a varied trail.

Although it is me with both COPD and light asthma it was the late Mrs C that had the severe asthma. Sadly I can no longer sing at all, too short of breath, not even a Marvin gravel:(

The back room is always in shade and subject to condensation after winter nights. It used to have a mold problem but thanks to a coat of anti-mold paint and the dehumidifiers that is no longer an issue. Been good for years now.

I'll have a look for " Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve", can't hurt and you never know.

Dear Guest_1055~ I'm afraid it has taken me a long time to wake up! I still remember the images we talked about in your avatar. I'm glad you and ER are getting on so well, you are both good people.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix (and wave to Shell),

The Bruce Springsteen song was not too difficult to relearn as the chords are quite straightforward. It’s about coming to terms with loss and helps me in my grief. Yes, I love those lyrics too from Daniel Lanois: “What’s the meaning of the scar if we don’t know how to heal”. It was used in a video game so the video with the guy on the horse is actually from that. My favourite video of the song is actually of Daniel Lanois and 3 other guys playing it live. If you google “Daniel Lanois, Heavy Sun, That’s The Way It Is” that version should come up and you can see them performing it. There’s something pure and transcendent about the performance. Daniel Lanois is also a record producer of several decades now who has produced records for many well known artists. He is a gentle, intuitive soul. I recently found another beautiful, gospel-like song from him that also has beautiful lyrics called Way Down.

I’m sorry you can no longer sing now. And I’m sorry I didn’t realise Mrs C had passed. Severe asthma would be no fun and I’m sure the same with the COPD. I’m glad you can still enjoy listening to music though. It can be so healing can’t it.

The Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve is by Stanley Rosenberg. He takes this alternative approach to multiple conditions by treating and developing exercises for the vagus nerve to rebalance the autonomic nervous system. The ANS is really central in trauma and somatic approaches to healing trauma. I don’t know how beneficial you’ll find the book, but it might give some clues or at least another way of looking at the COPD. I don’t know if everyone will have as dramatically successful results using his methods as the case examples. But I’ve been doing somatic work with my psychologist that works on the autonomic nervous system in relation to trauma, and it’s certainly worked better than any other approaches I’ve ever done.

Thanks again to you and Shell for being so lovely and kind.

[Croix]

Dear ER and ~ (Guest_1055 - I'm not sure what you'd prefer to be called now)

ER you seem to have a selection of songs with rather similar philosophies concerning hope and forgiveness. That's a lovely way to heal.

I do listen ot music, in fact I use it - apart from enjoyment - as a means of helping myself out of a bleaker mood.

It's no good going into something happy straight away. For example I would start wiht something dark, such as Stones' "Paint it Black", a couple of Tom Waits - for instance "Misery Is The River Of The World", then perhaps Dusty Springfield "Windmills of the Mind" to echo the complexity going on.   If I'm then ready for it a Muppet Mash of a Tom Wait's song such as "God's away on Business" which always amuses.

Those are just examples of a progression, there would be an infinite variety as everyone has a different life.

That reminds me, when I snorkeled I had a ping pong ball valve, you sound as if yours was open at the end. (OK, so I've crossed threads again:)

Croix

[Croix]

P.S.

I've managed to place myself in the queue at my state library for "Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve", so it will arrive sometime:)

-C