Acceptance and how long it takes

[Lily78]

Hi, I'm new here. Hoping to find a safe place to talk about how I am feeling and what contributes to this. I'm not quite sure where to start. About fifteen years ago I lost my mum to cancer. At the time I coped as well as I could but as the years have passed I have struggled between anxiety and depression and my thoughts at times have taken me to some pretty scary places. In this time I have had a couple of relationships which have fallen into the not so healthy category or as a friend says, toxic. My family life has been pretty much non existent, which has really caused me pain. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, feel alone, unloved, to the point where now I should be putting myself out there but it's like I have given up. Two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I've had some financial stress and started to not cope so well and put on a lot of weight from bad choices in food and alcohol. I've also struggled with finding the right help amd been on and off anti depressants for years and became quite used to benzos for coping. A recent wake up call a few months back with a cut back in anti depressants lead to insomnia issues and a relapse into a big hole of depression. I have improved somewhat with regular doctor visits and a new approach of not prescribing benzos any longer. It's like I have just scratched the surface and I feel that I have wasted years of my life being in this depression. I feel like a failure, so alone, don't know how to trust or open up to people and spend a lot of time on my own. I've also come to terms with the fact that I have not been enjoying a social drink for years,but drowning my pain instead. It's like part of myself has just given up. I struggle to get up and go. And then feel guilty. I'm not sure if much of this makes sense. I am just struggling to move forward and it's like I don't know how to be happy anymore as it's been so long.

[WhiteBear]

Lily78,
I’m not sure if this will help you. Its just me giving you a story about my struggles and what I’ve had to come to terms with. Might help to know you’re not alone.
I’ve certainly had times like yours. My mind gets so busy just thinking about everything that is wrong in my life. I seem to just constantly dwell on how lonely I am, and struggle to like anything about my life. I feel I don’t have any strong friendships that are willing to stand by me during the tough times. I feel it has been something that has crept up on me as well. Every time I rejected a social event was just another nail in the coffin of holding onto my long term friendships. My social anxiety and lack of love for myself kept me at home. Unfortunately, I would then lament about how I wished I had more friends. Completely illogical. I was thinking I was a victim caused by external factors. I had an epiphany one day – “I created this”. Only I could be responsible for this situation. If I wanted to get better, I had to make an effort to change. I had to fix myself.
It took some serious time to reverse all the things I had done to sabotage my life, and I’m still trying to fix the damage today. I don’t expect to have lots of friends and be able to easily connect with everyone, however all I can do is be myself and focus on what makes me happy. I read a lot of self-help books.
Over thinking and fear was the cause of my problems. I’ve avoided medication and instead tried hypnosis and meditation. I’m starting to find more good days than bad now. It will never be perfect, I just have to believe the universe actually loves you.
I also use to have a fear death. This has certainly dissipated since getting really good at reiki and kundalini meditations.
Also since you’re struggling with a loss in your family, I would highly recommend the book Many Lives, Many Masters. It’s a bit out there in terms of reincarnation. But if you want to believe an eternal soul and consciousness that transcends life times, it does help to change perspectives. However, any connection with a religion should achieve the same outcome.
Ultimately, it’s up to you. You’re the master of your life. So many ways to fix yourself. My way my not be right for you. However, just never give up hope, and try something. Everyone deserves a good life, you just have to believe in yourself.

Regards

WB

[White_Rose]

Dear Lily

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry your post has not been answered until today. It's not the way we want things to happen but sometimes posts slip through the cracks. White Bear has spoken about their experience and talked about the need for us to be fully involved in managing our lives. It is a hard path to travel at times but so worthwhile.

Believing in ourselves can be hard. When all we seem to get is knock-backs, it can be discouraging to move forward. Please accept my condolences on the death of your mom. My mom died 20 years ago and I still miss her and mourn her passing. Moms are such significant people in our lives and when they have gone so often it feels as though we have lost everything.

I can appreciate how upsetting it is to put on weight because of our poor choices. I know this was why I put on weight. It's taken a while to lose it and I feel so much happier being almost my younger self size. Your life sounds as though you have needed to struggle to get through and now you feel tired and without any motivation. Not a good place to be.

Relapsing into depression is a shock. As we get better we feel it will be a permanent recovery. Sometimes the black dog comes back to hang around and make our lives miserable. The we need all our determination to start again. No, not easy at all. It's good you feel you are moving forward again, seeing your doctor regularly and letting go of the benzos. Antidepressants do take a little while to fully kick in and I hope you will start to feel more comfortable soon.

Looking back at the black hole of depression can make us wonder if it will ever go away. It can certainly get better. With the help of your doctor (GP?) it will be easier. Remembering how we used to feel can be hard as we can only see the dark. It will go away. Has your doctor suggested you go to a psychologist?

Please continue to post in here. I will be looking for your next post.

Mary