Who I want to be vs my anxiety

EllieC · ‎18-07-2017

Hi guys, young woman with GAD here

One of the hardest parts about anxiety sometimes is the constant struggle between what is ethically right and what is right for my anxiety.

I want to be the sort of person who is socially responsible and who is a loyal supporter of their friends, but I'm usually pretty afraid of conflict so I don't often show it. Today a friend of mine was copping very personal abuse on social media due to a cultural group she belongs to and I finally felt like I could do the right thing.

I wasn't rude to these other commenters but I was firm, saying that I didn't agree with their views and they were being incredibly nasty to all my friends who are part of this cultural group

I felt good about supporting my friend and speaking out on how much damage discrimination can do... until the first comment calling me a "fat loser" popped up. The second and third comment along the same lines just made things worse. Since then I've been feeling sick, shaky and crying on and off. I have a background of being bullied at school, especially for my weight (which led me into developing a binge eating disorder, so thanks classmates!), so the feeling of being ganged up on and made fun of has just triggered my fear and self-loathing all over again

I don't know what the right thing is to do. I want to be this superhero who goes into bat for people who are being treated unfairly but I just find that whenever I do that I get abuse hurled at me and my anxiety sends me into a meltdown. But am I a bad friend and a facilitator of unethical behaviour if I stand by and let them be abused by trolls? On the other hand, I know that I have anxiety so should I be more protective of my mental health and not wade into these highly emotive situations?

This is really eating me up inside tonight and my confusion about how to approach this is making me feel like both a fat loser and a bad friend. Normally I would call my Mum when I'm this upset but she doesn't understand social media and just tells me to delete Facebook whenever something on there bothers me. My friend did send me a private message thanking me for being supportive and saying that the other commenters were being mean (she used other words, which I won't repeat here), but I don't feel close enough to her to tell her all this either

I feel a little silly posting here because I know other people probably have more pressing problems, but if I don't get a response I at least had to say this somewhere

solabear · ‎19-07-2017

I can assure you that you'er feeling are valid, because social media bullying and abuse is a real thing and it can be very upsetting especially for people who are vulnerable. It is not ethical to stay away from abuse and you don't have to stand up for other people if it effects your mental health.

Hugs from Sola

solabear · ‎19-07-2017

...sorry I meant " it is not unethical staying away from it all

MsPurple · ‎19-07-2017

Hi EllieC

I completely understand where you are coming from. As a fellow young person with GAD I am a constant worrier and I want people to like me. I also want to stand up for injustace and people showing racism and discrimination. But I can remember times when it has held me back to.

I'm sorry that nasty people decided to bring out your insecurities. There is no place for shaming on the BB forums and I think it should be the same way on all social media. Unfortunately people are not happy in themselves and want to bring themselves up to make other people feel small. It is a low blow and it actually shows how insecure they are in themselves. The only suggestion I have is for you to address it. Remember I am no professional but here is a suggestion on how to address it. 'Hi everyone. I don't care what you say about me. Call me whatever, I don't care, it just shows how insecure you are about yourselves and how shallow a person you are, but I will not stand by and listen to other people be racist and insensitive to other cultures. Australia is a multicultural society and if you have a problem with it then you are not a true Aussie. They are not the problem you are'. Show them nothing but love, but it is ok to be assertive. As some people say ' you catch more bees with honey '. It will really annoy them if you are overly nice and they will eventually learn there is no point picking a fight with you because it will not entertain them and it will just show how bad a person they really are.

Now this maybe hard at first, but it does become easier. A quote from RuPaul's drag race I use when this kinda stuff tries get me down is 'Water off a ducks back'. Meaning just let it roll over you and just keep going. Well that's how I interpret it anyway. Remember to never stoop to their level (I know you won't because you know first hand how horrible it can make someone feel).

MP

HamSolo01 · ‎19-07-2017

hey there EllieC

it sounds like your social media experiences have pretty average indeed. Firstly, congrats on sticking your neck out for the person who was being abused. Its not easy doing that when people can hide behind the veil of a screen.

Are you getting help with your anxiety? thats the main question. It sounds as if you are struggling to get by on your own. There's no shame in getting help for yourself, even if you dont think itll be of use.

I honestly think social media is slowly turning people into narsicists. People can get away with so much more. Whats worse is that their imagination is the limit. If I were I would steer clear of social media for a bit. I do this because it triggers my anxieties to no end. I posted a status the other day about raising money for mental health and 2 people donated. I felt really anxious doing that.

Sorry to hear about your bullying through childhood as well. I was bullied too. It has a lasting effect on someone and fundamentally changes how that person themselves. I'm guessing too, this is why you stood up for that person? you know how it feels to be a victim.

And btw dont ever feel your problems are too small to post about. This is your thread and you post what yu want 🙂

Hope what i said helps. Stay strong 🙂

- Hamsolo01

Hope_for_the_best · ‎19-07-2017

You are a very great and supportive friend. Unfortunately, social media is very far-reaching and a public comment can be viewed by essentially anyone over the world. Personally, I tend to stay away from conflicts particularly over social media, as things can get very nasty. If I were in your situation, I would contact the administrator of your friend's cultural group and report the situation through private messages. There is always an administrator on a Facebook group (very often more than one). It would be "safer" for the administrator to take action rather than you standing up for your friend by yourself. The administrator can remove those people from the group. This way you can support your friend, but getting yourself protected from any anxiety-provoking situations. Your friend may also consider withdrawing from the group and it is very easy to do so on Facebook. You have the rights to disengage in anything you don't feel comfortable with and it is no way unethical.

EllieC · ‎19-07-2017

Hi Sola, MP, Hamsolo and Hope

You guys are all so lovely, thank you for your comments. Bullying makes you feel like everybody in the world thinks you suck, and you guys prove that at least 4 people don't hate me - and those 4 people are AWESOME 🙂

It actually made me feel better that you all had different advice to offer because it kind of reassures me that maybe my confusion stems from the fact that there is no clear way to successfully handle social media or discrimination, we have to find our own best solutions.

Ham, I am getting some help with a wonderful psychologist and medication, thank you 🙂 And you're right, a history of being bullied has made me always want to side with the underdog. It actually gets me into trouble sometimes, not all underdogs are in the right! Thankfully in this case at least I can be satisfied that she was

And MP, you can get an amen up in he-yah for that (I love RPDR too!)

EllieC · ‎19-07-2017

Thanks Sola, I really appreciate your kind (and prompt!) words. I think sometimes we forget that one of the most important people for us to be protective of is ourselves.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond sooner but I have been taking some time away from my computer today to knit, read and try to relax. I can assure you that your comment, along with the others I received last night made me feel a little less anxious and helped me eventually sleep. Thanks again.

EllieC · ‎20-07-2017

Thanks MP, it's always reassuring hearing from somebody who struggles with some of the same moral dilemmas. It doesn't hurt when they quote the mighty Jinkx Monsoon! Everybody say love ❤️

HamSolo, you are very spot on. Regardless of what is right or wrong, social media can be a dangerous environment. I've actually decided to adopt your suggestion of taking a break for a bit to get my head sorted out. I'll keep in touch with friends on there but avoid anything else.

Hopeforthebest, unfortunately these comments were left on a public post from a media outlet so not much hope of getting anything blocked. I realise my original post was probably confusing because I was a bit all over the place when I wrote it, but my friend is part of a cultural group (not a facebook group, but in the sense that she is of a culture that is non-dominant in Australia) and when she made a comment on this public post she was attacked on the basis of that.

Hope_for_the_best · ‎20-07-2017

I understand your situation now. The best thing to do is not to respond anymore (for both your friend and you). Not only this calms you down but also you less likely escalate the situation. You are more likely to get more "attacks" if you keep replying. In future, however, I would suggest that your friend and you not to post anything on media outlet, even though you don't agree with others' comments or you feel upset with those comments. If you absolutely have to say something, maybe copy the link of the page and share on Facebook (or other social media) but set your privacy to only your friends. This way, you can simply unfriend or delete your post if anyone becomes abusive. But then if this happens, you will still be anxious. So my biggest suggestion is to think before you post. If you suspect your posts are not taken well by someone, then don't post at all.