What is wrong with me?

[Hj1981]

To make a long story short over 12mths ago I found out my husband was cheating. I than had a break down and told him about the sexual abuse I got from my dad when I was young. I had never told anyone about it. Since then a few other people now know, I have told my family and have moved away as they don't support me. Not long after coming out and telling my husband I started having these feelings of "lightheadedness/dizziness, weak in the legs and some times slightly tachycardic, when out in public and of course I started feeling like I was going to feint. It doesn't happen all the time, but happens often enough. Today it happened when I went to the shops with my 2 young daughters (6&4) and my hubby. It is actually really scary. I have had blood tests, all clear, blood pressure has been slightly low, mri of head all clear.

It is getting to the point that I am worried that I might die during one of these events and leave my daughters without a mum.

What is wrong with me?

[Beltane]

Hi and welcome to beyondblue

Well, seeing as you're here in these forums you're probably already suspecting that its got something to do with anxiety. If you look up the top, under the heading 'The Facts" there is a lot of information there, and some self-test quizzes too. I highly recommend you read the Fact Sheets on PTSD and Anxiety/ Panic. If you cant find them, use the Search Function in the top right corner.

Anxiety unfortunately can show up at any time in life. Perhaps it has been triggered by the recent emotional stress. perhaps you have some unresolved feelings about your husbands infidelity. Perhaps now that you have spoken about your past, you are now experiencing some old buried emotions from the past that have come up. Perhaps its the fact that your family hasn't stood by you that has triggered these feelings.

I would recommend you return to your Gp and start talking about some of these feelings. You could be experiencing and anxiety/ PTSD/ panic attack kind of problem.
Your doctor can refer you to a psychologist who can guide you carefully through the process of coming to terms with these emotions, and learning some coping skills to deal with them and work through them. They can also teach you coping skills and relaxation skills for these panic attacks. You can get 10 sessions funded by medicare so they are very cheap to you, and then if you need further sessions, consider an Extras private health insurance policy.

Also there are medications. I'm not sure if you're open to the idea. You can always try therapy first and see how you go, before you consider medications.
Medications aim to balance chemicals in our brains that are thought to be out of whack. Some people find medications very helpful- I am one of them.
I used to have very severe panic attacks, so bad my entire life shut down as i could barely go anywhere without having terrible ones. And then i started having them at home...Plus i loved in a constant state of high anxiety and miserable depressed feelings.

I sought out therapy and found an excellent psychologist i get along great with, and i'm on a medication i take everyday. I used to be on one i only took when i felt the panic coming on, but since the panic attacks were daily this wasn't the best option.

Now i feel much calmer, much happier, and much more able to deal with anything life throws at me.
Good luck and keep in touch 🙂

[Hj1981]

Thank you Beltane for taking the time to read and reply to me.

Your reply has been helpful and it is always good to hear that you are not alone and that there is help available.

I know I should talk with someone but I am scared to bring it all up and make things worse! I really don't want to remember the abuse I suffered either.

I just want to forget move on and be normal. I was okay until I started telling people about my past, since I have started speaking about it the "attacks" have started. Sometimes they last awhile other times they are short but they are getting more frequent and worse.

It has to be anxiety surely because everything else health wise has been given the all clear.

I'm also worried about going on medications. I don't like taking something as simple as panadol at the best of time, let alone something stronger.

what were your first signs and symptoms of anxiety?

I just get lightheaded and clammy sometimes I feel slightly tachycardic. Its a horrible feeling when I am out alone with one or both of my girls.

I feel like im letting my family down by needing help. I am supposed to be the strong one.

[Beltane]

I hear a quote often that I like: "anxiety and depression aren't signs of weakness; they're signs of having been strong for so long". While this may sound a bit trite, anxiety and deoression are legitimate illnesses, and while you may not think you're doing all that well; you are. You're here on these forums, you're fighting it everyday in your head, you're fighting so you can return to a state of wellness and calm for yourself and your family. You will look back at this time in the future as a time of great strength and growth, and that strength will stay with you for life.

i got anxiety and panic as a teenager. When panicking I get extremely nauseous (even vomiting), heart beats really fast and I get palpitations, I get the cold sweats and clammy feeling, I get dizzy and feel faint. I also had deoression. It took me years to even admit I had anything wrong- for one, I thought that it was weak to have anxiety so I thought I should just "deal with it". For another, my symptoms were so bad I spent years going to tonnes of different doctors, convinced i had some random illness Id found on the Internet. I could never ever believe that it was my own brain making me feel so ill!!!

adter many years as I matured, at the age of 24 after 8 years of symptoms and utter destruction of my life,  I had finally reached a point where I knew I couldn't go on like that, I needed help. I was sick of never having a real permanent job, or froends, or hobbies, or long term relationships. My anxiety destroyed it all.

any who it's 3 years later, I have the job of my dreams, a wonderful long term relationship, fun hobbies both at home and socially, and I'm calm happy and well. I can't remember the last time I panicked- I have felt anxiety as all humans do during times of stress but i have the skills to cope now.

dont be scared that it'll take you 3 years to recover. Remember, I had severe anxiety plus undiagnosed bipolar from my early teens, and it'd taken me a near solid decade to even get help. 10 years is a long time to get really trapped in those depressed/ anxious ideas and behaviours. 

For what it's worth, a psychologist should respect you and not force you to talk about things you don't want to. You can choose to focus on the pajic attacks, and bring up other issues if and when YOU feel ready. If you don't feel safe with them or respect & trust them, find a different one right away.