Hello all. First post, but have been lurking around on the forums for a few weeks.
I am a binge eater. Formerly bulimic, but I have since curbed my need to vomit after eating and instead I just binge. In a way my problem with food has now become worse as I have continued to put on more and more weight because of this. My job requires me to fit into harsh standards relating to BMI and fitness, which I can no longer achieve due to my problem. It's because of these standards that I began to focus on my weight more and binge eat out of sadness when I was not achieving what was required of me. I have had doctors that have examined me for my work berate me for my lack of self-control and tell me that I should not be trusted with my own health because of my weight.
At the beginning of 2018 I felt the worst I had ever felt about myself. I starved myself for months to achieve a new weight and was feeling positive about my body, albeit very hungry. Since then my eating as gotten worse and I am now struggling with my weight again. I am unable to look at my reflection without feeling shameful. I have covered all the mirrors in my house so that I cannot see myself. My body is in ruins, I am covered from my shoulders down in bright red stretch-marks which makes me feel disgusted in myself. Despite reassurance from my girlfriend that she does not mind and loves me regardless of my weight, I can't help but feel like no one could look at my body and enjoy it. I have suffered from intimate performance anxiety in the past, but it's now worse than ever as just once glance at my own body disgusts me so much.
I had a streak of about 4 months with no binging before the start of Sydney's lockdown, but the pressures from work and my other mental health issues (medicated depression) have brought back my binging in full force. My girlfriend is often away from work, so our time together is limited, which means I am free to binge without anyone knowing every single day for weeks at a time. I cannot get myself out of this rut and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't hear much about males with eating disorders, so if there is anyone else out there like me I would love to hear from you.
Cheers,
Sasquatchion
